Discussion what's keeping you from doing it?

[meek]

personally I'm not sure. sometimes I think I should repay what my parents did for me. sometimes I think the world is not always tormenting and sometimes there are moments worth living for. I think that if I didn't care about anything I'd kill myself. I'd like to hear your reasons too if you have.

 

[Anonymoussn]

My SN hasnt arrived yet. And I've been having some medical issues I cant get sorted out whilst covid is going on. So I'm currently trying to decide whether I would be happy to go on if these were sorted out - as naturally if I would then I should at least stick it out and see if I can get the medical help I need. My medical issues are not the only reason I want to CTB though, so naturally it's a complicated issue and I'm just giving it some more thought. No impulsive decisions!

 

[SpottedPanda]

At the moment I'm not home yet. I return there on Saturday. If for whatever reason I don't do it Saturday or soon after, I'll simply conclude that I'm not feeling much like it, as I don't like to pressure myself.

I don't care if I live or die. All I know, right now, is that I desire death, and the more I contemplate life, the more death feels like the most solid option.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Still in the process of trying to obtain N. I have SN but I would prefer to use N instead.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Waiting for my new rope to arrive. Didn't want to chance the old one not being strong enough for a decapitation. Once I have that I'm all set.

 

[TastySorrow]

I'm still alive because my life is simply a constant series of promises that always end in nothing. So it's an eternal vicious circle of hope and despair.

I'd also say Coronavirus now keeps me away from my workplace, aka the only place where I can do it, but I'd be an hypocrite since it's been many years of missed opportunities to CTB.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have too many problems of various kinds to even do it. I live in a tiny apartment and have chosen carbon monoxide as the most sure and painless way and am not willing to try anything else that I would fail at. So I don't have a place to do it as I need to be in a private location away from others. Carbon monoxide can go through walls and cielings and I won't take out anyone else so I'm trying to find a house to rent.

 

[Starflow11]

Still in the process of trying to obtain N. I have SN but I would prefer to use N instead.

Heyyy I'm right there with you friend. Waiting for the N to manifest. Pm please if you find a legit source.
Thank you <3

 

[Eren]

Because I feel guilty for my mother

 

[Starflow11]

I have too many problems of various kinds to even do it. I live in a tiny apartment and have chosen carbon monoxide as the most sure and painless way and am not willing to try anything else that I would fail at. So I don't have a place to do it as I need to be in a private location away from others. Carbon monoxide can go through walls and cielings and I won't take out anyone else so I'm trying to find a house to rent.

I see. That's very thoughtful of you. How's the meditation practice assisting with your healing? I use to meditate for several hours each day.. Finding deep stillness and peace. I'm working on getting back there.... Still the idea of going directly back to the non physical, excites me the most.
Wishing you peace until you have your desired space.

 

[ThoughtsMinds]

I have a kitty I love named Dmitri and a decent full time job.
Tbh if I get fired or laid off it would make ctb much more within reach.

 

[Starflow11]

The reason for my wait is because I'm also trying to not make any impulsive decisions. Some days I feel like there's hope and just maybe I'll have a resurgence of my life force energy... for now I'm taking it moment by moment. I'm going to relocate and find a more suitable living space which could also drastically shift my well-being.

I would also want to have everything prepared so I can hopefully make it easier on the people that love me. Letting go of possessions, freeing myself from a lease or whatever that needs to be done to make the aftermath less stressful on them. I may even devise a plan to make it look accidental adter consuming the N. Hmmm

I have a kitty I love named Dmitri and a decent full time job.
Tbh if I get fired or laid off it would make ctb much more within reach.

Awwwwe yes that's so sweet, I'm sure you and Dimitri have a beautiful connection. I would love to have a sweet feline friend again. <3

 

[clocktower]

a highly overprotective family.

like, seriously, my mother keeps all the medication in the house locked in a steel box. i have no access to money. even the kitchen knives are all hidden. yes i want to ctb but i'd also like to be able to chop my veggies again.

 

[Made4TV]

A few friends who love me. My sister and family. And hope (fading fast)

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Sight of my dogs. 9 of them total.

6 of them here. At every moment, atleast 1 can see me if i die. They will be rehomed tho as i return to my home country.

In home country i got another 3 dogs, much older though. Ill have to figure that out once i get there, before they restart their bond with me again. But they do got my family to care for them there.

Its so hard to ctb while you can see your pets. Humans can share their pain. And use meds. Pets usualy dont have that leisure. They suffer alone, in silence. Or shunned away.

These 6 saw my husband die for 3 hours before ems took him. That left a big mark on them. I saw 6 pairs of teary dog eyes for weeks. Then behaviour changes and depression. And i couldnt help them.

2 eldest at home saw my dad die. 6 months of them not eating. After i left to move out, 1 year of depression.

I cant do that to them again. Separation will hurt, but i hope new family will distract them so that they forget our pain.

 

[mathieu]

I'm saving up for N.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What has kept me from doing it is a desire for a peaceful exit, and the means I've attempted so far have either failed or I've aborted because of discomfort. The one means I have right now will be too uncomfortable, and I'm not so miserable that I'm willing to go through the extreme discomfort. I'm not at a point of fleeing from life, but rationally withdrawing, and so I don't feel as of now that the suffering I'll endure with this method is worth it. If that changes, I know I have the power to power through it, but I'm not motivated right now to do so, so I'm continuing to research other methods and options.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wouldn't do this as long as I had to care for pets. I had tried to find a good home for my cat when I wanted to do this at first but couldn't but my cat ended up dying of hypothyroidism so now that much is solved.

 

[ItsAllTooLate]

My parents went through so much to change and give me a better life despite what they did to me, that I'd put all their efforts to waste by catching the bus. I'm concerned about this even though they are directly responsible for my issues. I don't know why.

 

[schopenh]

It's about 95% pure survival instinct, mostly fueled by a glimmer of hope that my medical problem will spontaneously resolve. The remaining 5% is a lack of opportunity. I also want to lose a remaining 4kg (already lost 7) and get a hircut so I look as close to my old self when I die but that can just be chalked up to SI giving me something to work towards.

 

[Meditation guide]

I also want to lose a remaining 4kg (already lost 7) and get a hircut so I look as close to my old self when I die but that can just be chalked up to SI giving me something to work towards.

That's a very good point. I keep finding reasons to keep going and then have to remind myself not to do that and I need to try to concentrate on my mission of self deliverance. If I don't then my health will be to the poing I'm 100% paralyzed soon and I'm getting to that point fast. This is so hard to do when you can barely move and get worse every day.

A few friends who love me. My sister and family. And hope (fading fast)

I don't have that to stop me at least.

 

[schopenh]

That's a very good point. I keep finding reasons to keep going and then have to remind myself not to do that and I need to try to concentrate on my mission of self deliverance. If I don't then my health will be to the poing I'm 100% paralyzed soon and I'm getting to that point fast. This is so hard to do when you can barely move and get worse every day.

I don't have that to stop me at least.

Do you have a motor neuron disease?
I genuinely do just keep shifting the goal post. I wanted to get off certain medications first, I wanted to lose my opioid tolerance, I wanted to wait for quarantine to end, I wanted to do X and Y. It's just SI finding reasons.

 

[Meditation guide]

It's just SI finding reasons.

All I can do is look at the internet now. I never go outside at all for the past year. I lie in bed and look at youtube videos and find some enjoyment in that. It's not any kind of life I would wish on anyone. I am not opiod tolerant but don't have enough to do the job. Hard to get if not impossible. I have MS and COPD.

 

[schopenh]

All I can do is look at the internet now. I never go outside at all for the past year. I lie in bed and look at youtube videos and find some enjoyment in that. It's not any kind of life I would wish on anyone. I am not opiod tolerant but don't have enough to do the job. Hard to get if not impossible. I have MS and COPD.

I know it's really worth anything but sorry to hear about the MS and COPD. I know a bit about both. You must be taking corticosteroids for both? Being on them is also awful.

 

[ceelo]

because i want to recover from this fucking illness and dont want to die at all but the pain at its worst is too much to bear. I have some bullshit crazy somatic anxiety disorder that might aswell be a fucking disease but no im actually physically healthy which makes it even more cruel.

 

[k3v3r]

I can't risk being admitted again

 

[Exhausted1705]

Not being able to get heroin or nitrogen. I couldn't successfully hang myself.

 

[alwayswannadiesometi]

my grandparents. I feel like I owe it to them ... and there's also this girl, she is special ... and my kittens