You'll probably think Im the luckiest person in the World for my reasons of still being here but I will let you know, just so you can see how messed up this illness can be.
I have a girlfriend who is extremely supportive. I have parents and family that have been good to me and do their best to understand. My childhood was happy.
then when I started secondary school at age 11 I had a very bad transition. I was bullied. I was alone. I struggled to associate myself with anyone. I was put in the bottom class with all the naughty kids because I never had any motivation to do well. I went from being a very happy kid, to a kid that laid in the bathroom on the floor sobbing his broken heart out feeling so scared about facing the next day.
it's been a long road since then. I'm 26 now and have partially suffered ever since being 11 years old but it always gets really bad whenever I'm dealing with change / when it's Autumn / winter.
I battle for my family and the people who care about me. I recently started a new job and I'm finding it very difficult settling into the team. I feel like an outsider. Like I don't belong. And spending hours each day trying to hide all the darkness. I worry endlessly about being too quiet, not good enough, boring to work with etc
I try.. so hard.. but all I can think about is how tired I am of faking it now. How desperate it's becoming to hold on to what I got in fear of being too weak to hold on to it.
I've had the crisis team come out to see me a few days ago, they wanted me to go to a home where I can have interventions when necessary for a week. I declined. I want to stay in control and I don't want to give that up.
i feel disconnected from life. I see all the flaws... how cruel people are. It's tiring. Exhausting. To get up and go again...
So yeah, I might have things that you really want...but I still feel like a burden. I still feel alone. I don't want you to think I'm ruling over your post, I just wanted to share a little of my experience so you don't feel as alone.
taking it one day at a time at the moment, with thoughts of ending it or just not going home some nights.... just to see how long it would be before anyone notices...in some kind of sick way of experimenting to see how much I'd be missed.
conclusion: once you've ctb...there ain't no way you'll ever know the pain you've inflicted on the people you've left behind and there ain't no way of knowing how things might have been. That is what is keeping me here at the moment. Hanging on.
take care