Venting whatever i do, i just can't stop feeling lonely

[slugcat]

Writing this down feels odd and I am at a loss for words.
I gave up venting a long time ago since talking feels useless to me, it doesn't change anything does it ?
Everytime i try to talk, I persuade myself that I won't be able to express it (and that even if I manage to, no one wants to hear me whining.)

The main problem right now is that there is a deep loneliness within myself that I just can't "fix" and it's really hurting my relationship with other people and everything.

I haven't gone out and talked to anyone except my close family members for a couple of weeks. I stopped going to the place I was studying in and my friends don't ask questions (I have had problems for the last few years and seeing me absent doesn't shock them anymore)...

I still talk to a friend in discord but I am completely unable to be "with him". I talk, exchange some jokes, but I can't talk about how I feel, it's useless. He's almost never there when I'm in distress and when he is, he doesn't know how to react.

So I tried talking to people online but it just feels like filling a pierced bucket, in the end I never feel heard or listened to. It's probably my fault, I feel like I desperately need people.
I even tried talking to ai chat bots heh but once again nothing.

I don't understand why I should keep living this existence if I'm never able to stop feeling this. It feels useless and shallow.

I stopped talking about how I felt because I feel like it's pointless, like it's already closed on itself like there is no solution. Even if it was useless, I somehow feel better. I wonder if this resonates with anyone… I am new to this place (its been less than 24h) but i feel like this is one of the first time i can talk freely about how i feel without being judged and even get advice.
Thank you for reading this if you did

 

[Gaga786]

Writing this down feels odd and I am at a loss for words.
I gave up venting a long time ago since talking feels useless to me, it doesn't change anything does it ?
Everytime i try to talk, I persuade myself that I won't be able to express it (and that even if I manage to, no one wants to hear me whining.)

The main problem right now is that there is a deep loneliness within myself that I just can't "fix" and it's really hurting my relationship with other people and everything.

I haven't gone out and talked to anyone except my close family members for a couple of weeks. I stopped going to the place I was studying in and my friends don't ask questions (I have had problems for the last few years and seeing me absent doesn't shock them anymore)...

I still talk to a friend in discord but I am completely unable to be "with him". I talk, exchange some jokes, but I can't talk about how I feel, it's useless. He's almost never there when I'm in distress and when he is, he doesn't know how to react.

So I tried talking to people online but it just feels like filling a pierced bucket, in the end I never feel heard or listened to. It's probably my fault, I feel like I desperately need people.
I even tried talking to ai chat bots heh but once again nothing.

I don't understand why I should keep living this existence if I'm never able to stop feeling this. It feels useless and shallow.

I stopped talking about how I felt because I feel like it's pointless, like it's already closed on itself like there is no solution. Even if it was useless, I somehow feel better. I wonder if this resonates with anyone… I am new to this place (its been less than 24h) but i feel like this is one of the first time i can talk freely about how i feel without being judged and even get advice.
Thank you for reading this if you did

Firstly, welcome. You are free to talk or vent about your issues or struggles. Secondly, your words do resonate with me because I'm dealing with a similar issue. No matter how many times I talk to my family or other people, there is always a sense of loneliness and feelings of alienation within me. Sometimes it feels like other people don't care about me at all and that I don't matter as much. I hope the best for you, please take care of yourself. Let me know if I can help in any other way :)

 

[Sulyya]

I hope you feel understood here.

Personally I never try therapy but I heard their most useful function if any is to be an irl person to tell (almost) everything to. It isn't someone to be close to and you can put yourself at risk if you reveal anything about suicidal ideation, but could be an option if you want a flesh and blood person you can see who can understand you somewhat. Not that we don't exist here, you know what I mean.

 

[SilentSadness]

You're right, no matter how much you talk about problems, it won't change the fact that they are there. Life truly is horrendous and it won't end any time soon. Other people also tend to be selfish and this forum is not immune. I only really post here as there's not much else to kill the time in this small and unlikable world.

 

[slugcat]

Firstly, welcome. You are free to talk or vent about your issues or struggles. Secondly, your words do resonate with me because I'm dealing with a similar issue. No matter how many times I talk to my family or other people, there is always a sense of loneliness and feelings of alienation within me. Sometimes it feels like other people don't care about me at all and that I don't matter as much. I hope the best for you, please take care of yourself. Let me know if I can help in any other way :)

thank you, hearing that other people go through that too weirdly makes me feel a bit better, thank you for your message, it does help a lot :)

I hope you feel understood here.

Personally I never try therapy but I heard their most useful function if any is to be an irl person to tell (almost) everything to. It isn't someone to be close to and you can put yourself at risk if you reveal anything about suicidal ideation, but could be an option if you want a flesh and blood person you can see who can understand you somewhat. Not that we don't exist here, you know what I mean.

heheh you are right and i understand what you mean by this, i go to therapy somewhat regularly since in my country its wildly accessible... the only problem is that i have been unable to talk to my therapist recently since i feel like everything is already solved and i have no reason to feel the way i feel :)

You're right, no matter how much you talk about problems, it won't change the fact that they are there. Life truly is horrendous and it won't end any time soon. Other people also tend to be selfish and this forum is not immune. I only really post here as there's not much else to kill the time in this small and unlikable world.

:) yes i know and i also use this forum mainly to play games and kill time but tbh i don't expect much more from it and it already did so much more than any other forum i used (i used reddit before). but really, thank you for your reply

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that loneliness can be painful and hard to deal with for many people in this cruel world, but the unfortunate reality is that you just cannot trust and rely on people, there is no real relief from suffering in this world. I would personally prefer to be alone and of course humans can be cruel and invalidating, to me talking is a waste of time and could just make things worse as others cannot understand what we go through anyway.

 

[calssilva]

The same for me and is getting worse because I have no family....I feel lost, with no orientation,,,,just the desire to die makes me feel better right now

 

[slugcat]

I do understand that loneliness can be painful and hard to deal with for many people in this cruel world, but the unfortunate reality is that you just cannot trust and rely on people, there is no real relief from suffering in this world. I would personally prefer to be alone and of course humans can be cruel and invalidating, to me talking is a waste of time and could just make things worse as others cannot understand what we go through anyway.

I wish i could live being alone too... saddly i always crave for people even if their words and silence destroy me quite paroxical heh.

The same for me and is getting worse because I have no family....I feel lost, with no orientation,,,,just the desire to die makes me feel better right now

feeling lost with no direction is a feeling i also relate to, i am supposed to choose what i want to do right now, but nothing seems like a worthwile thing to do, everything is the same old boring heh. if you don't mind me asking, how does the desire to die help you ? for me it makes things more complicated since i can't die.

 

[calssilva]

I wish i could live being alone too... saddly i always crave for people even if their words and silence destroy me quite paroxical heh.

feeling lost with no direction is a feeling i also relate to, i am supposed to choose what i want to do right now, but nothing seems like a worthwile thing to do, everything is the same old boring heh. if you don't mind me asking, how does the desire to die help you ? for me it makes things more complicated since i can't die.

it seems to me that thinking about to die it is about stopping suffering forever, although it's no that simple to ctb....why can't you to die ?

 

[slugcat]

it seems to me that thinking about to die it is about stopping suffering forever, although it's no that simple to ctb....why can't you to die ?

heheh i agree, when your dead there is no more anxiety, there is no more suffering, there is no more anything :) i can't die because my mother told me that if i killed myself, she would ctb on the same exact day as she would have no more reason to continue living. I can't stand the idea of inderectly murdering my mother as she is the only person i care about :)

 

[Seven Threads]

Hello there, little creature. I understand you are having difficulty trying to communicate. This is a common problem; a great many people struggle to express emotions and difficulties to those who do not understand, and of those, many give up entirely. I recognize that you too are experiencing the urge to shut down, and it seems like attempting to talk to people feels like more trouble than it is worth.

I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing such struggles. Loneliness is one of the most bitter pains a human being can experience, especially one who still longs to be heard and understood. I would not blame yourself for this response: the desire to be seen, heard, and known, is a fundamental human quality. It is as natural as breathing. Humans are social beasts, and there is nothing wrong with longing to resolve that emptiness you feel inside of you, even if you do not know how.

To start with, while I know it is difficult in your position, try not to blame your discord friend, or indeed any of the other people who do not seem to be able to really hear you when you need them. It is...difficult...to bear, when one does not have the answers. Not everyone is equipped (and indeed, most are not), to truly connect with a person who is struggling and offer them the presence and reassurance that they need. It can be a deeply uncomfortable process, and most prefer to pull away, shut down, or keep things carefully superficial so as to avoid injury. It is a protective mechanism, and it does not make them bad people, or selfish. It only means they do not have the qualities or the resiliency to help shoulder the load.

And on that note, try not to blame yourself as well. You are a creature that is experiencing pain. It is only natural to reach out to try and soothe that pain. It is only natural to grow frustrated and disheartened when connection doesn't manifest, or fails to soothe that pain. It is not your fault, and you are not doing anything wrong. On the same token, it is not whining to cry for help, and reach out for the support that you clearly need. No decent person blames or faults an animal wailing for attention when it is suffering, why should you be any different?

This being said, I can understand how frustrating it can be when you attempt to connect to people and are unable to. You describe a feeling of being with a person in some form, but not truly present. Of cracking jokes, making casual conversation, but never actually addressing anything truly meaningful, let alone the pain and isolation that is most meaningful to you. But it is not surprising that you would struggle with this. It is difficult and frightening to truly open up to a person, even someone you know and trust intimately, and even less so to a more casual acquaintance. Where would you even begin? So many of our personal struggles are tied together in a tangled heap. It is difficult to talk about just one thing to a person who does not already know about this or that other thing that gives it context. It can feel impossible to even know the right way to start, how to break the ice. And I am certain, even if an idea of where to begin came to you, that expressing it might make you feel as though you are a burden, belaboring those around you with the negativity of your struggles. You are not a burden, but I understand the feeling and have experienced it myself. The sense of not wanting to bother someone with my own struggles can make it exceedingly difficult to open up to someone. And the need to pretend that everything is fine, find something else to talk about or do or say, can make it so you do not want to be around them at all.

Little creature, it seems to me that what you need is to find a person or people who actually want to help you carry that load. Ask those on the site who have been around a while, and offer encouragement and a listening ear to people undergoing extreme struggles and suffering. Sometimes, having the opportunity to be there for a person, to help them feel seen and heard and understood, is not a burden at all. Rather, it is one of the greatest acts of trust and human compassion there is, to help bear the pain of another human being and be willing to share in it. And there are a great many people on this forum who are of this same mindset, and are prepared to offer those ears and that shoulder. I am certain that as long as you remain present here, and you are willing to continue to speak about your loneliness and your alienation, that these people will find you. This is very much a place for you, and those like you, who have nowhere else to go to truly be understood. And exhausted as I am sure you are, it is still worth the effort.

To that end, I would like to do my part in welcoming you to this place. Keep talking. We are here. What can we do for you to help you be heard?

 

[slugcat]

Hello there, little creature. I understand you are having difficulty trying to communicate. This is a common problem; a great many people struggle to express emotions and difficulties to those who do not understand, and of those, many give up entirely. I recognize that you too are experiencing the urge to shut down, and it seems like attempting to talk to people feels like more trouble than it is worth.

I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing such struggles. Loneliness is one of the most bitter pains a human being can experience, especially one who still longs to be heard and understood. I would not blame yourself for this response: the desire to be seen, heard, and known, is a fundamental human quality. It is as natural as breathing. Humans are social beasts, and there is nothing wrong with longing to resolve that emptiness you feel inside of you, even if you do not know how.

To start with, while I know it is difficult in your position, try not to blame your discord friend, or indeed any of the other people who do not seem to be able to really hear you when you need them. It is...difficult...to bear, when one does not have the answers. Not everyone is equipped (and indeed, most are not), to truly connect with a person who is struggling and offer them the presence and reassurance that they need. It can be a deeply uncomfortable process, and most prefer to pull away, shut down, or keep things carefully superficial so as to avoid injury. It is a protective mechanism, and it does not make them bad people, or selfish. It only means they do not have the qualities or the resiliency to help shoulder the load.

And on that note, try not to blame yourself as well. You are a creature that is experiencing pain. It is only natural to reach out to try and soothe that pain. It is only natural to grow frustrated and disheartened when connection doesn't manifest, or fails to soothe that pain. It is not your fault, and you are not doing anything wrong. On the same token, it is not whining to cry for help, and reach out for the support that you clearly need. No decent person blames or faults an animal wailing for attention when it is suffering, why should you be any different?

This being said, I can understand how frustrating it can be when you attempt to connect to people and are unable to. You describe a feeling of being with a person in some form, but not truly present. Of cracking jokes, making casual conversation, but never actually addressing anything truly meaningful, let alone the pain and isolation that is most meaningful to you. But it is not surprising that you would struggle with this. It is difficult and frightening to truly open up to a person, even someone you know and trust intimately, and even less so to a more casual acquaintance. Where would you even begin? So many of our personal struggles are tied together in a tangled heap. It is difficult to talk about just one thing to a person who does not already know about this or that other thing that gives it context. It can feel impossible to even know the right way to start, how to break the ice. And I am certain, even if an idea of where to begin came to you, that expressing it might make you feel as though you are a burden, belaboring those around you with the negativity of your struggles. You are not a burden, but I understand the feeling and have experienced it myself. The sense of not wanting to bother someone with my own struggles can make it exceedingly difficult to open up to someone. And the need to pretend that everything is fine, find something else to talk about or do or say, can make it so you do not want to be around them at all.

Little creature, it seems to me that what you need is to find a person or people who actually want to help you carry that load. Ask those on the site who have been around a while, and offer encouragement and a listening ear to people undergoing extreme struggles and suffering. Sometimes, having the opportunity to be there for a person, to help them feel seen and heard and understood, is not a burden at all. Rather, it is one of the greatest acts of trust and human compassion there is, to help bear the pain of another human being and be willing to share in it. And there are a great many people on this forum who are of this same mindset, and are prepared to offer those ears and that shoulder. I am certain that as long as you remain present here, and you are willing to continue to speak about your loneliness and your alienation, that these people will find you. This is very much a place for you, and those like you, who have nowhere else to go to truly be understood. And exhausted as I am sure you are, it is still worth the effort.

To that end, I would like to do my part in welcoming you to this place. Keep talking. We are here. What can we do for you to help you be heard?

Hello Seven threads, first of all, thank you for this developed and complex reply, i am truly, truly touched that you took the time to read my post and answer many of the problems i have. I have indeed been more inclined to just give up seeing how hard it was to communicate with people (even family and therapist)

I know that striving for closeness and understanding is fundamentally human but as always when it comes to me, I degrade my feelings. It's natural to feel that way but when i feel it, its selfish and horrible. Its an awful tic I have, constant self hate…

When it comes to my discord friend, my only true friend, I try my best not to feel any angst towards him. As you say very well, someone's pain and trauma isn't something most people are prepared to face and expecting them to immediately understand and react accordingly is something to avoid… In fact I have been in a position where i found myself unable to be with a friend who suffered as she reminded me too much of what i was trying to escape from myself. What you say about it being a "protective mechanism" is quite right, I haven't thought of it before.

What you said about it not being my fault made me a bit emotional if i'm perfectly honest. I am not used to thinking that what i'm feeling or experiencing isn't some selfish and disgusting s**t. When I desperately need help and want people to see me, I immediately think that its my fault for not being able to be happy alone. Some people do it after all, they live alone and happy, why can't I ? Why must i be so in need of constant attention, i find it childish, needy and ridiculous.

For the little time i have been on this forum, it already helped greatly, i have seen countless therapist before but the feeling of being truly heard and understood, knowing that it resonates with some people and having a place where i can write when im at my lowest, its truly something different. I came here expecting this place to be some awful place and i found so much understanding and kindness, i found people who lived similar things to what im going through and it does feel a little bit less alone.

Thank you for your reply once again, its very well structured and you really understood the heart of what i was trying to express, you are a very kind and understanding person. thank you. To answer your ending question, this was what helps me be heard, people replying to my message, giving advice, understanding or sharing their personal experience. I really like this place (iv been playing the word game all evening, and it had been a long time since i had this much fun)

 

[Seven Threads]

I'm really glad that you're finding what you need here, little creature! I know a lot of people have had a similar experience, feeling relief and the sense that they can open up in this place. I hope that feeling stays with you!

(Word game, huh? I really need to check out the off topic sub-forum.)

I hope you do not mind that I call you little creature. You are a slugcat, after all. :3

 

[slugcat]

I'm really glad that you're finding what you need here, little creature! I know a lot of people have had a similar experience, feeling relief and the sense that they can open up in this place. I hope that feeling stays with you!

(Word game, huh? I really need to check out the off topic sub-forum.)

I hope you do not mind that I call you little creature. You are a slugcat, after all. :3

i quite like being called a little creature :3 thank you

this is me v

 

[FireWalkWithMe]

Hello there, little creature. I understand you are having difficulty trying to communicate. This is a common problem; a great many people struggle to express emotions and difficulties to those who do not understand, and of those, many give up entirely. I recognize that you too are experiencing the urge to shut down, and it seems like attempting to talk to people feels like more trouble than it is worth.

I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing such struggles. Loneliness is one of the most bitter pains a human being can experience, especially one who still longs to be heard and understood. I would not blame yourself for this response: the desire to be seen, heard, and known, is a fundamental human quality. It is as natural as breathing. Humans are social beasts, and there is nothing wrong with longing to resolve that emptiness you feel inside of you, even if you do not know how.

To start with, while I know it is difficult in your position, try not to blame your discord friend, or indeed any of the other people who do not seem to be able to really hear you when you need them. It is...difficult...to bear, when one does not have the answers. Not everyone is equipped (and indeed, most are not), to truly connect with a person who is struggling and offer them the presence and reassurance that they need. It can be a deeply uncomfortable process, and most prefer to pull away, shut down, or keep things carefully superficial so as to avoid injury. It is a protective mechanism, and it does not make them bad people, or selfish. It only means they do not have the qualities or the resiliency to help shoulder the load.

And on that note, try not to blame yourself as well. You are a creature that is experiencing pain. It is only natural to reach out to try and soothe that pain. It is only natural to grow frustrated and disheartened when connection doesn't manifest, or fails to soothe that pain. It is not your fault, and you are not doing anything wrong. On the same token, it is not whining to cry for help, and reach out for the support that you clearly need. No decent person blames or faults an animal wailing for attention when it is suffering, why should you be any different?

This being said, I can understand how frustrating it can be when you attempt to connect to people and are unable to. You describe a feeling of being with a person in some form, but not truly present. Of cracking jokes, making casual conversation, but never actually addressing anything truly meaningful, let alone the pain and isolation that is most meaningful to you. But it is not surprising that you would struggle with this. It is difficult and frightening to truly open up to a person, even someone you know and trust intimately, and even less so to a more casual acquaintance. Where would you even begin? So many of our personal struggles are tied together in a tangled heap. It is difficult to talk about just one thing to a person who does not already know about this or that other thing that gives it context. It can feel impossible to even know the right way to start, how to break the ice. And I am certain, even if an idea of where to begin came to you, that expressing it might make you feel as though you are a burden, belaboring those around you with the negativity of your struggles. You are not a burden, but I understand the feeling and have experienced it myself. The sense of not wanting to bother someone with my own struggles can make it exceedingly difficult to open up to someone. And the need to pretend that everything is fine, find something else to talk about or do or say, can make it so you do not want to be around them at all.

Little creature, it seems to me that what you need is to find a person or people who actually want to help you carry that load. Ask those on the site who have been around a while, and offer encouragement and a listening ear to people undergoing extreme struggles and suffering. Sometimes, having the opportunity to be there for a person, to help them feel seen and heard and understood, is not a burden at all. Rather, it is one of the greatest acts of trust and human compassion there is, to help bear the pain of another human being and be willing to share in it. And there are a great many people on this forum who are of this same mindset, and are prepared to offer those ears and that shoulder. I am certain that as long as you remain present here, and you are willing to continue to speak about your loneliness and your alienation, that these people will find you. This is very much a place for you, and those like you, who have nowhere else to go to truly be understood. And exhausted as I am sure you are, it is still worth the effort.

To that end, I would like to do my part in welcoming you to this place. Keep talking. We are here. What can we do for you to help you be heard?

This was really beautiful, brought a tear to my eye.