What would you do if you had my life?

[HillWhereIWillRest]

I have BPD, depression, social anxiety, I'm very insecure, unprepared for life, I have autoimmune diseases, cannot eat sugar, lactose, gluten, soy and some legumes, need to count all the carbohydrates I consume (I have diabetes), I don't work, live with my father who has BPD too, my abusive mother and my sister who despises me. Feel like I'm in a minefield with my family.

Also I have no friends and most of the time I'm in bed because I have no energy.

I don't have money for therapy and psychiatric drugs made me sicker (hypothyroidism and hypocortisolism).

I'm living to take care of my sick mind and body. I'm just holding on because I have dissociation every day, all day. I don't remember my previous days, it's like amnesia.

What would you do if you had my life?

I want CTB but my mother said that if I kill myself I will destroy her and my father's life.

My mind is ruined, I should never have been born! I just want to rest!

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I have no advice to give you, but I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. It sounds like hell and I understand any thoughts of suicide that you have. I wish I could give you an answer, but I just don't know what it is, but wanted you to know that there are people who care and will respect any decision you do make. Much love you.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I would kill myself ngl because I am too emotionally weak to handle any of those things. I don't really have a solution for you but I hope you are able to find some strength.

 

[endoftheroad22]

You have a lot going on for sure. I suggest you seek free therapy and also some sort of social services to get some life skills / job placements or even maybe a different residence so you can get out of your toxic situation. I would take it one day at a time and just try to make small positive steps everyday. I know.....way easier said than done! Sometimes small victories help me get some momentum going when everything is going bad in my life.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I have BPD, depression, social anxiety, I'm very insecure, unprepared for life, I have autoimmune diseases, cannot eat sugar, lactose, gluten, soy and some legumes, need to count all the carbohydrates I consume (I have diabetes), I don't work, live with my father who has BPD too, my abusive mother and my sister who despises me. Feel like I'm in a minefield with my family.

Also I have no friends and most of the time I'm in bed because I have no energy.

I don't have money for therapy and psychiatric drugs made me sicker (hypothyroidism and hypocortisolism).

I'm living to take care of my sick mind and body. I'm just holding on because I have dissociation every day, all day. I don't remember my previous days, it's like amnesia.

What would you do if you had my life?

I want CTB but my mother said that if I kill myself I will destroy her and my father's life.

My mind is ruined, I should never have been born! I just want to rest!


View attachment 40688

How old are you?
Ultimately, you are the one who is living your life, no one else.
No one has the right to judge you or make decisions for you or coerce you by using emotional blackmail.
All I can say is, keep holding on for now, if you can.
You cannot give up all hope just yet. Sometimes people's situation can improve with time.

 

[thereandgone]

I want CTB but my mother said that if I kill myself I will destroy her and my father's life

But she was still abusive toward you? That doesn't sound very fair. You should not factor her feelings into your plans if she disrespected you as a person and didn't provide you with a decent upbringing (in my opinion).

 

[mellow]

I don't have money for therapy and psychiatric drugs made me sicker (hypothyroidism and hypocortisolism).

if it were me I'd stay away from psych drugs (good for you) and look into trauma/PTSD counseling since it's my understanding that borderline and C-PTSD are much the same thing. There are therapists who will meet for free if you can't pay, but you need a skilled healer, maybe some type of energy worker, a hypnotherapist? I had similar problems and found they were spiritual in nature. mostly it takes time to heal, you must be patient and gentle w yourself

 

[everydayiloveyou]

If you're that sickly, can't you get on disability? That'd be the first thing I'd do. Get a bunch of government programs like SNAP, Medicare, SSDI, etc, and use them to get free or cheap therapy. Then see what happens from there.

It might take a few tries and you might have to leave your family in order to qualify, but it's possible to get disability with chronic diseases like you have. And if your family is that hard on you it's probably going to be good to be rid of them. Even just severe depression and anxiety can get you a check, so it's worth a shot.

Otherwise I'd get a job and save up money to leave my family. Or go back to school and see how that goes.

There's lots of options honestly, some people live decent and happy lives with your circumstances. Other people have ctb while living perfect lives where their only real problem is that theyre depressed. But ultimately it's not about what us strangers would do, its about what you think. Only you can determine when enough is enough and whether it's worth to try certain things, and whats available and reasonable. Only you can feel your pain and decide how much you're able to handle. There's lots of different options out there, and ctb is one of them. But its up to you to decide which route to take.

 

[not4us]

I want CTB but my mother said that if I kill myself I will destroy her and my father's life.

For me it sounds sadistic and selfish. She prefers your suffering to her own.