What were your past failed attempt(s) and why did you fail?

[veryhappyhuman]

Basically the title.

Here are mine:
* Dettol poisoning -- arguably my first. I decided to try because I saw this convincing research paper online about a case. Bought a 500ml bottle, but moments before I drank it, got a phone call that I'd cleared my job interview.
* Chloroquinine cocktail -- assembled all the other drugs, but pharmacist got suspicious when I tried to buy midazolam without prescription and threatened to call police. Had to abandon.
* Plastic bag -- couldn't tolerate hypercapnic response despite prior hyperventilation. Gave up after about 1-1.5 minute.
* Partial -- had some successful trial runs, failed the serious one bc I overcooked it by combining it with drugs (to reduce SI) and plastic bag (to ensure death)
* Strangulation -- basically a "trial run but dont care if I die" attempt. Never managed to reach the "getting woozy" stage despite trying with different cords/ropes/belts. Bought a ratchet strap and failed with that too.

What were yours? Please ensure you don't disclose any identifying info when you respond.

 

[FuneralCry]

I never really got that far in my ctb plans. One time a few years ago, I did get very desperate and so wanted to go on that day, but I hadn't done any suicide research and had basically no resources, I vaguely remember trying to wrap a cord around my neck, but I took it off straight away and haven't done anything since. I have never really properly attempted, and have been nowhere near to death. In general, the fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb. It really is so difficult to leave this world and it should be easier. I just think that it's so terrifying how some people fail ctb and end up with damage.

 

[nys]

As a kid, I wrapped a rope around my neck and tied it to a doorknob, and I tied a plastic bag over my head a few years later but neither of those attempts worked. I don't really think they count as attempts since I was too young to really know what I was doing. I don't even remember if I wanted to die back then- maybe I was just copying something I saw online or something. Anyway, those methods failed for me. I don't remember why the rope thing failed but I think the plastic bag attempt failed because it put me in a lot of discomfort and pain so I ended up taking the bag off my head

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

A year ago, I experimented with partial. I momentarily passed out. I came to in a panic then pulled the belt from my neck. Was terrifying.

 

[Blackhole999]

intente ahorcarme pero no logre desmayarme termine con toda la cara inchada pero nadie sospecho

 

[Life_and_Death]

personal option to back out every time (well some of these were due to running out of alone time)
starving (these attempts and abuse started my anorexia)
hanging/strangulation
both of them probably have AT LEAST 5 attempts each. i know im up around 10 but those are only including my recent years. idk how many times i stopped eating before moving out

 

[SouthGermany1982]

As a teen I tried to strangle myself a few times with a scarf, but these attempts weren't really serious and aborted quickly. Probably because my parents were next door and would have rescued me. A few years ago I was drunk one night and tried to hang myself with a necktie from a hook on the ceiling. I made it back on the chair before blacking out. There was too much pain because I only used an ordinary knot

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Mine were all attempted od's with various otc and Perscription meds. Not knowing what I was doing, every single one failed miserably (obviously)
Im lucky to still have a well functioning liver.

 

[Gaga786]

I tried slitting my wrists at age 14. One year ago, I had taken lots of benzodiazepines and wrapped a plastic bag around my head. I was unfortunately found by my mother and rushed to the ER

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Took 96 OTC sleeping pills. Failed because they're simply not lethal in any quantity, didn't know that at the time.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Tried partial hanging. Leaned into it and was blacking out and gasping for air. Saw black and stars but eventually quit. I think I failed because I tied a noose instead of a slip knot.

 

[MountainMonkey]

I oded twice on H. Turned purple. Woke up in hospital. Last time I was so angry I ripped out IV and walked home in my socks

 

[again_noidea]

A year ago, I experimented with partial. I momentarily passed out. I came to in a panic then pulled the belt from my neck. Was terrifying.

yeah, it is strange how fast one can slip away with this method. I felt euphoric while going unconscious last time i tried

 

[Antiquated]

Threw a hairdryer in the bathtub once, nothing happened (duh).
At my lowest point, I tried to go for full suspension a bunch of times. Didn't know what I was doing (can you see the pattern ?), I'd use an electrical cord and no proper knot. Was never able to kick the stepladder...

 

[theboy]

car hit
rope around the neck
Air injection into the vein

To that, we add a few mini-attempts with sheets or attempts that I didn't have the courage to do.

 

[Zulu]

Hanging - Aborted. Nooses are too tight around the neck. Seems like it'd hurt unimaginably, and the loss of control is terrifying.
Helium Gas Tank/Mask Asphyxiation Rig - Stored in closet till ready, but aborted due to it leaking, and slowing taking the surrounding air away. Noticeable, and didn't feel good. Risk of brain damage from hypoxia and surviving was also discouraging.
Hydrogen Cyanide Cocktail - Horror stories of it not being instant, and seemed like too agonizing of a way to go. Also too dangerous for nearby innocent folks. Ended up as a hard no.
Russian Roulette - Only actual attempt(s). Survived purely by luck.

 

[MetroTransit]

I tried to shoot myself in the head with a handgun, unfortunately SI is a bitch. It is painful to want to do something with all of your being and nature stonewalling you when it comes time to pull the trigger. After putting the gun to my head a few more times and getting increasingly drunk I just realized it wasn't going to happen and drove home. I still often wish I did it that day, freeing myself from my worldly problems. My conclusion is that I still have a small, possibility false, glimmer of hope things will get better blocking me from finishing it.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

Tourniquet method. Failed because I only compressed the jugular veins. I also was struggling to breathe which terrified me because I had thought you were to go unconscious first. I pulled the mechanic lever I used to turn the tourniquet to abort the attempt plus was running out of time. I was left with petechiae all over my face and neck / ligature marks on my neck for 4 days and eye hemorrhage.
That night when I tried to sleep I kept waking up in a panic with the feeling of being choked. My next attempt will be partial from a door. I can not have another failed attempt

 

[Zulu]

I tried to shoot myself in the head with a handgun, unfortunately SI is a bitch. It is painful to want to do something with all of your being and nature stonewalling you when it comes time to pull the trigger. After putting the gun to my head a few more times and getting increasingly drunk I just realized it wasn't going to happen and drove home. I still often wish I did it that day, freeing myself from my worldly problems. My conclusion is that I still have a small, possibility false, glimmer of hope things will get better blocking me from finishing it.

Pulling the trigger is surprisingly much more difficult than one would think. SI is ungodly powerful. When you're at that cusp of forever falling into the abyss, SI will kick in and essentially override whatever intention you had and force you back into the world of the living, no matter how great your internal pain. The only reason I was ever able to pull the trigger on myself was the notion that there could be an empty round in the chamber, versus something guaranteed. Russian roulette made it just a slight bit easier to overcome SI due to the notion that survival without injury was possible. Let me tell you though, hearing that *CLICK* from an empty chamber produces a dizzying rush of sickness that makes you want to faint and can leave you feeling paralyzed for a while, and leave a long lasting scar on the psyche. I still have nightmares from that, even though it was years ago.

 

[Obliviate]

Has anyone had any failed attempts with the suicide inert gas bag method any why?

 

[MetroTransit]

Pulling the trigger is surprisingly much more difficult than one would think. SI is ungodly powerful. When you're at that cusp of forever falling into the abyss, SI will kick in and essentially override whatever intention you had and force you back into the world of the living, no matter how great your internal pain. The only reason I was ever able to pull the trigger on myself was the notion that there could be an empty round in the chamber, versus something guaranteed. Russian roulette made it just a slight bit easier to overcome SI due to the notion that survival without injury was possible. Let me tell you though, hearing that *CLICK* from an empty chamber produces a dizzying rush of sickness that makes you want to faint and can leave you feeling paralyzed for a while, and leave a long lasting scar on the psyche. I still have nightmares from that, even though it was years ago.

I think you are definitely onto something with the element of chance playing a role. I used a semiautomatic handgun so it was definite what would happen if I pulled the trigger, additionally cocking back the hammer gave me too much time to think about it. I dissociated and went on autopilot for days after trying that and cannot imagine how horrifying it must have been to expect the end and get nothing. It is frequent that I replay that night in my head. What specifically made you choose Russian roulette if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Zulu]

I think you are definitely onto something with the element of chance playing a role. I used a semiautomatic handgun so it was definite what would happen if I pulled the trigger, additionally cocking back the hammer gave me too much time to think about it. I dissociated and went on autopilot for days after trying that and cannot imagine how horrifying it must have been to expect the end and get nothing. It is frequent that I replay that night in my head.

The worst part is, I did a twist on it. Six-round cylinder. First attempt was one around. Second attempt was two rounds. Third attempt was three rounds spaced out to do 50/50. That third attempt, had I actually pulled the trigger, I would have died. So, for chickening out, I did the same set up again for the fourth (one round), fifth (two rounds), and sixth (three rounds) attempts. Sixth attempt was the evenly spaced 50/50 rounds. And when I actually pulled on that last attempt, *CLICK.* I won't ever do that again. I'm fucking haunted by revolvers. I feel you wholeheartedly though. I'll never forget that day, and it still haunts my psyche on repeat some days. Legitimately gives me the shivers.

What specifically made you choose Russian roulette if you don't mind me asking?

Wanting to somehow overcome my own SI, and in case I failed, I would be left physically unharmed with no one ever noticing a thing. Many other methods, if you screw up, can leave you horribly injured/paralyzed for life. Russian roulette typically doesn't, unless you aim on the wrong part of the head/body. Also developed an unhealthy obsession with the six cylinder drum on revolvers and with gambling my own life to chance. PTSD is weird sometimes. It can sometimes make you develop an unhealthy fixation/obsession on random things for no logical explanation.

 

[butterfly3]

i took like 35 painkillers. i wanted to take more but i just couldn't stomach the amount of water and pills id swallowed. i ended up in the hospital for 3 days with an iv thingy in my arm. i threw up like crazy that night.
i also used to take like 5 aspirin a day when i was like 13 or 14 but it didn't do anything.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Sleeping pills. I woke up puking blood, scared the hell out of me. I called 911 and was hospitalized for10 days.

 

[damaged_soul]

Before I knew about SN and N, I tried with caffeine powder. I made a really detailed plan and did 40+ hrs of research. However, one thing I totally forgot to account for in my plan was how I'd get the caffeine powder inside of me, as I didn't know it would be extremely bitter. Unfortunately, I only came to realize this issue literally 2 days before my planned date. I frantically tried to research ways to make it less bitter. I came across Blate Papes, which let you take bitter powders without having to taste them. I got 1-day overnight rushed shipping but due to the holidays, they wouldn't arrive in time. So I got a bunch of random groceries (different flavored frostings, mustard, ice cream, soy sauce, etc) in desperation hoping I could find something to mix the powder with to make it more palatable. I tried tiny amounts of powder with each of the ingredients yet nothing worked. By the time I had tried all of the ingredients, the "tiny amounts" of the powder had added up to a significant quantity that started giving me side effects like anxiety, racing heart, nausea, stomach pain, and dizziness. I decided last minute to give up because I knew I wouldn't be able to get in a lethal amount of the powder since my mouth was already full of bitter taste and I was at a risk of passing out.

 

[TiredTurtle]

Overdose, was found and ended up in hospital

Overdose, didn't take enough and woke up 3 days later

Hanging, found it too difficult to locate my carotid artery several times, nearly blacked out after a minute of hanging and decided it was too painful to keep going