What was worse for you the abuse itself or the aftermath of it?

[noname223]

Both was pretty nightmarish for me. But the aftermath (mental illness) is way worse. As a child or teenager I had at least the hope that the horror would end one day. I hoped for a future without bullying or domestic abuse. Cynically the violence started a tormenting and never ending cycle of emotional pain inside myself. Life is so unfair. The people who done that to me have way better life quality than me.

I wish the hell would have ended with the abuse. It is very sick. Exactly when the bullying and domestic violence got less my mental health issues started. So when my life had the potential to get better my brain switched into self-destruction mode.

The worst part of the domestic violence was not the acutal physical pain. It was the frightening experience that the person you have the closest relationship to beats the shit out of you on a daily basis. Often also with insults. Early I developed OCD because of the abuse. My mom even hit me for that and insulted me she does not want a disabled child.

Honestly my mom acted like a psychopath. (she clearly is none) There were many crazy things. And she really had the thought it would help in my development.

I am imprisoned in a torturous consciousnouss without any escape. The abuse gave my the feeling I would like to peel of my own skin. The emotional pain was worse than the physical pain. With the mental pain in the aftermath however the extreme psychosomatic pain was the worst. And I prepare to kill myself when that shit returns. Nothing scares me more than the psychosomatic pain. I am often shaking when I remind myself of it. Holy shit the agitation and the feeling of being torn apart (in my feet) were insane. There are some parallels to mania. So the crash from mania into depression is in some slight way connected to the feeling I have during mania. I am always driven to be obsessed about something. In mania usually studying. And during depression planning my suicide. I just remember that a therapist analyzed that in a very smug way as pathological. He was not aware how serious I am about killing mysel. After he experienced a crash of mine he was pretty scared. Rightfully so.

 

[lionetta12]

Both was pretty nightmarish for me. But the aftermath (mental illness) is way worse. As a child or teenager I had at least the hope that the horror would end one day. I hoped for a future without bullying or domestic abuse. Cynically the violence started a tormenting and never ending cycle of emotional pain inside myself. Life is so unfair. The people who done that to me have way better life quality than me.

I wish the hell would have ended with the abuse. It is very sick. Exactly when the bullying and domestic violence got less my mental health issues started. So when my life had the potential to get better my brain switched into self-destruction mode.

The worst part of the domestic violence was not the acutal physical pain. It was the frightening experience that the person you have the closest relationship to beats the shit out of you on a daily basis. Often also with insults. Early I developed OCD because of the abuse. My mom even hit me for that and insulted me she does not want a disabled child.

Honestly my mom acted like a psychopath. (she clearly is none) There were many crazy things. And she really had the thought it would help in my development.

I am imprisoned in a torturous consciousnouss without any escape. The abuse gave my the feeling I would like to peel of my own skin. The emotional pain was worse than the physical pain. With the mental pain in the aftermath however the extreme psychosomatic pain was the worst. And I prepare to kill myself when that shit returns. Nothing scares me more than the psychosomatic pain. I am often shaking when I remind myself of it. Holy shit the agitation and the feeling of being torn apart (in my feet) were insane. There are some parallels to mania. So the crash from mania into depression is in some slight way connected to the feeling I have during mania. I am always driven to be obsessed about something. In mania usually studying. And during depression planning my suicide. I just remember that a therapist analyzed that in a very smug way as pathological. He was not aware how serious I am about killing mysel. After he experienced a crash of mine he was pretty scared. Rightfully so.

The after is a lot worse because during abuse I can block it out, my PTSD gets to me afterwards as my trauma is delayed usually and appears randomly once I'm out of the abusive or traumatizing situation.

 

[jamie_]

100% after. I think I also developed OCD but I'm not sure, idk too much about it.

 

[catowice]

Both, in their own sense, for all the rightful reasons you mentioned.

For me the aftermath felt worse, but there is this side of peacefulness and a bit of strength you can muster for rehabilitation, or something resembling that. In a way I'd say even though there's the haunting thought of you never being "normal as everyone else" again, you're at least yourself now.

It was hard to catch a breath in abuse itself.

 

[ForsakenDial]

Both was pretty nightmarish for me. But the aftermath (mental illness) is way worse. As a child or teenager I had at least the hope that the horror would end one day. I hoped for a future without bullying or domestic abuse. Cynically the violence started a tormenting and never ending cycle of emotional pain inside myself. Life is so unfair. The people who done that to me have way better life quality than me.

I wish the hell would have ended with the abuse. It is very sick. Exactly when the bullying and domestic violence got less my mental health issues started. So when my life had the potential to get better my brain switched into self-destruction mode.

The worst part of the domestic violence was not the acutal physical pain. It was the frightening experience that the person you have the closest relationship to beats the shit out of you on a daily basis. Often also with insults. Early I developed OCD because of the abuse. My mom even hit me for that and insulted me she does not want a disabled child.

Honestly my mom acted like a psychopath. (she clearly is none) There were many crazy things. And she really had the thought it would help in my development.

I am imprisoned in a torturous consciousnouss without any escape. The abuse gave my the feeling I would like to peel of my own skin. The emotional pain was worse than the physical pain. With the mental pain in the aftermath however the extreme psychosomatic pain was the worst. And I prepare to kill myself when that shit returns. Nothing scares me more than the psychosomatic pain. I am often shaking when I remind myself of it. Holy shit the agitation and the feeling of being torn apart (in my feet) were insane. There are some parallels to mania. So the crash from mania into depression is in some slight way connected to the feeling I have during mania. I am always driven to be obsessed about something. In mania usually studying. And during depression planning my suicide. I just remember that a therapist analyzed that in a very smug way as pathological. He was not aware how serious I am about killing mysel. After he experienced a crash of mine he was pretty scared. Rightfully so.

Going through similar experiences I understand where you are coming from. The emotional pain strikes far deeper than any physical wound inflicted upon the body. It erodes that sense of trust, and what is "supposed to be". It erodes the illusions of safety, control, and boundaries which were always stated to be there, but never actually enforced by those who state it.

It is always those who inflict the suffering having the higher quality of life than those they abused. Always. It is because people gain self worth through the destruction in harm brought upon others. That is why it is nonsense majority of the time that people will have good intentions around others who are vulnerable. They salivate at the idea of hurting someone and being praised for it. They enjoy every second of it. No one will stand up for you, rather they will side with the perpetrator because it is easier and more entertaining for them.

They are always out there, always watching. They enjoy seeing how they broke another person who did nothing to them other than commit the sin of existing. The aftermath for me hurts more than the events did. Because the aftermath usually only occurs when you realize how much abuse you endured, and you tend to only do so once it reaches an unrivaled apex. For me however when I went through it I did not believe there is an end. That feeling of hopelessness, pointlessness, and acceptance was the combination for me to have planned. However in the aftermath, I understood that this will keep happening to me. That even if the abuse stopped, the bullying stopped, the memories will haunt everyday forever. There is no end, the hopelessness, pointlessness, and everything else will continue forever. The biggest lie was that there was an escape. There is no escape.

 

[Unending]

You brought up a pretty important question. I would 100% say that the aftermath has been worse. I would say that at least enduring the trauma happened when I was young and hadn't formed my own in depth outlook on life yet or began to challenge the beliefs that others taught me. I had no understanding of how far suffering could go and just didn't think deeply into it because what I learned about god told me that I should just let it be and not question everything, and as long as I make it into heaven, it'll all be okay no matter what.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The abuse. (Suspected narcissistic step sibling.) I was 10 and I'd never encountered anything like it before. It's what made me suicidal to begin with.

I think stuff like that continues to affect you but just being away from them (and not constantly in fear) helped. It still troubles me to this day. I still even dream about it sometimes and I'm sure it's a big part of what's made me so maladjusted.

Still- learning about Narcissists on YouTube a few years back somehow made me feel so validated. ALL of their behaviours were there. Not that it's official and not that it changes anything but it helped/helps me to know it is a recognised thing- as it were.

Interesting thread- thanks for posting it.

 

[CTB Dream]

Both awful injury damage happen after all same prison all awful different shape only keep detriorate not even know worse what this life awful wish nev existe

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Want to say both, because in a way it is the pure truth, but objectively, definitely the aftermath. Couple that with repeated trauma up until today and yeah, definitely can say 100% continuing on after each trauma is definitely much worse long term. Literally Hell.