Discussion What was the catalyst that made you join this site?

[before20]

I've been sick with the stomach flu for the last few days, and as dramatic as it sounds, it really put things into perspective. Not even ten thousand happy memories could convince me to willingly endure such extended misery. Pretty much the whole time I thought: "I'd rather be dead than live through this." And so, with a sudden surplus of free time, I signed up.

What about y'all?

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I think I just decided that I wanted to see if I could create a profile, and share some of my thoughts on the website one day when I was lurking here. I was just lurking here for years. So sorry about your stomach flu, hope you feel better soon!

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i wanted more info on suicide methods . and to be able to PM others on suicide method info.

but as for initiall thoughts about suicide years before i found this site . yeah some bad temporary relatively minor pain like a cut on my finger gave me a clue as to how bad pain can be and . it was intense pain but short . but even such a minor injury left me shell shocked for a while being fearful of life existence it was so bad i could imagine not being able to move away from such pain. and like you said also a bad flu for a week of misery also gave me a clue . there is no reason to risk pain . and i know there is worse pain than a stomach flu imo. there is pain so bad it makes everything else meaningless.

like you implied all those meaningless pleasurable addictions are not even worth going through a bad stomach flu much less the worst kind of pain and torture imaginable which could trap any sentient being including a human any day.

then i got to thinking why the fuck do i have to work so hard 15 hours day a job and chores impositions humiliations fixing problems only to risk extreme torture? there is no reason. life is meaningless torture slavery prison and an evil imposition . then the really bad pain traps you.

then i thought if i could escape this hell prison to non-existence forever then i would solve all my problems at once and forever . only in non-existence would i be safe forever from the threat of unbearable pain , or extreme suffering . i would undo the evil imposition.

 

[ma0]

I just wanted help and advice with methods. Of course now, I see it more as a safe space to discuss my feelings and such.

 

[loneloser]

My life started spiraling down in quality and the date that I set for myself is coming closer so I decided to revisit this website and actually make an account this time around.

 

[human909]

I lurked on here for a couple of years in the past, but i wanted to learn more about methods and share more details about me and see if anyone else also have the same problem. This website also made me kinda feel safe since so i don't have to be worried about having to be forced back to the hospital again.

 

[longtime_lurker_123]

Impulsively quit good job and moved to a different country.
I've been having passive suicidal ideation for a long term; but have made a series of really bad life decisions overtime, now I need a clean & quick exit.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Had a massive memory recall of being sexually abused repeatedly as a child after over a decade of weird feelings, emotions breakdowns, and suicidal thoughts. Joined on impulse.

Chose this place over most because it carries my philosophy on suicide and the only place that emphasizes mental health treatment trauma. I do not know exactly if I will CTB, but I know this place will keep me company in the meantime when other places shunned me.

 

[before20]

I think I just decided that I wanted to see if I could create a profile, and share some of my thoughts on the website one day when I was lurking here. I was just lurking here for years. So sorry about your stomach flu, hope you feel better soon!

Thank you I've done my fair share of lurking as well, although the bulk of that was years ago. Glad you're here! (Well.. sort of, haha.)

but even such a minor injury left me shell shocked for a while being fearful of life existence it was so bad i could imagine not being able to move away from such pain. and like you said also a bad flu for a week of misery also gave me a clue . there is no reason to risk pain . and i know there is worse pain that a stomach flu imo. there is pain so bad it makes everything else meaningless.

Yeah, it's so weird how it's the little things. For me, if I'm already enduring so much mental pain, enduring any physical pain on top of that is too much. I have very little fortitude o7

 

[divinemistress36]

I was feeling suicidal before and randomly found about this site on Reddit

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I needed a place where i could speak openly about my suicidality.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

After the love of my life announced he is leaving me, I became increasingly suicidal to the point where all that was left was to find the right method. Google led me here.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've been sick with the stomach flu for the last few days, and as dramatic as it sounds, it really put things into perspective. Not even ten thousand happy memories could convince me to willingly endure such extended misery. Pretty much the whole time I thought: "I'd rather be dead than live through this." And so, with a sudden surplus of free time, I signed up.

What about y'all?

I was in medical school after finishing my undergrad for four years overseas studying to be an oncologist when I was the victim (not the perpetrator) of crimes that ended my career, left me in extreme debt, my family abandoned me, and I ended up homeless. Despite monumental efforts still ongoing I also seemingly have 0 opportunities to get hired Despite working my ass off in life before things occurred. I went to two psych wards (and eventually two more) after the second i realized i couldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling (a) because I have no one in my life (b) because you'll just be shipped off to a psychward. (C) because of looking for ways to CTB.

In otherwords I had everything I ever dreamed of stolen for me and I was left with 0 opportunities in life. My supposed loved ones abandoned me when I needed them most and I found myself utterly alone and incredibly impoverished.

 

[ihatemyselfwanttodi]

really quickly fucked up my life real badly. Got into a real depressive episode and decided that I wanted to sell my house for some stupid reason, was coerced through it all with a realtor that convinced me to go through with it when I was having doubts, then I started freaking the hell out and couldn't sleep for weeks, my job got so goddamn overwhelming at the same time. Relationship started falling apart and she was going to lose her job. One night took her gun and put it in my mouth. Couldn't do it. Told her the next day I was struggling and I put it in my mouth, and that I was sorry and she didn't deserve that.
She got so fucking mad at me like she never had before. Our relationship was always perfect, and she never got so mad at me. Told me she was leaving.
So in my state of no Sleep, feeling absolutely horrible and terrified of my future, I made a shit attempt at hanging myself and fucked up my spine in my neck.

Now, my girlfriend decided to stay with me. Only she thinks I'm fine, but my spine is fucked and I know I can't get that functionality back. Some of it's pretty bad, my legs and feet will go completely numb. But the worst part is honestly the fact that I'm barely functional sex-wise. I know I'll never be able to satisfy her ever again in that way now. Or anyone for that matter if she decides to leave due to that. Honestly, I'm just broken. And I struggle enough with life before as it is. Before all of this. Before I fucked myself up. Now I spend all day beating myself up and hating what I did for no fucking reason. So I'm ready.

 

[sukiduki]

i was ready to finally take steps to ctb and wanted to learn as much as possible before i do it

 

[NonEssential]

I used to lurk here, but I wanted to know how good the rope I had bought a while ago was for hanging. Apparently it's pretty crap, but at least I got something to practice making knots with.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's complicated. There was someone who helped me a long time ago who doesn't want anything to do with me now, so I decided to join this site when I finally accepted that not even the person who saved me all those years ago cared about me anymore.

 

[lament.]

been suicidal for 6+ years now but it got really bad after I became 18, then I randomly found out there was an open group on the internet of people who felt the same as me (ironically from a suicide discouragement video) so I decided to sign up.

 

[anhedonicmtf]

Happened to come across tantacrul's video during a really bad time.

The day after I joined, I realized the new administration has suspended my passport application and now I'm trapped in the country.

 

[before20]

Honestly, I'm just broken. And I struggle enough with life before as it is. Before all of this. Before I fucked myself up. Now I spend all day beating myself up and hating what I did for no fucking reason. So I'm ready.

I am really so so sorry you had to go through that. This is why people should have humane, accessible ways to die; so they don't have to go through this carousel. Just know that's on the world, not you.

I hope you find peace from all suffering.

Happened to come across tantacrul's video during a really bad time.

The day after I joined, I realized the new administration has suspended my passport application and now I'm trapped in the country.

Ah, Tantacrul. Unintentionally SaSu's biggest advertiser. I technically first discovered SaSu ~8 years ago, but I would not have remembered this site existed without him.

I'm sorry about your passport. That order was devastating. And the fact you can't leave—even our bastions of democracy can't help but be so dystopian. Wishing you luck

 

[LivingANDDying26]

Was drowning in suicidality and was trying to find resources on methods and such. Like real ones not just stupid shit telling one how this abd that wont work or whatever.

Found here somehow and it kept/helped me stay alive at the time.

 

[SVEN]

Being suicidal.

 

[whysaz]

I've lurked for years and years looking for methods.

I finally joined because it got harder to find SN here and I realised that asking questions could help.

I used to be too scared to be find out if I had an account but I'm old now and I don't care anymore

 

[Kyotospade]

A long few months after many people I cared for and love ended their lives .

 

[shrizoid]

I don't fully remember what exact event was the final straw as many happened last year, but, I came here fro new friends (which I have made) and more info on ctb

 

[Praestat_Mori]

After many years of failurs and misfortune I hit rock bottom. I had a method and I was close to an attempt. I don't think I really wanted to die but there's no other option. I don't remember what I searched for exactly but I found SaSu quickly and made an account the same night.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I wanted to feel just a little bit less alone, guess that's not entirely true as I first came here looking into hanging I attempted that but could not follow through knowing I'd be found by many family members and I rather not have my mom really off herself this time, I mean, at least not over me,, when I ctb it's gotta be in a different country In a middle of a fucking forest or a beach, it's hard because I'm not entirely in control of that decision, I mean I could just end it tomorrow from suddenly spiraling. Donno where I'm going with this but it started out as looking for methods, still look to keep myself up to date but I knew it was also due to my curiosity at the idea of being in apart of a community that potentially understands me more then most could because of all are relatability even if it's just mental agony.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

Impulsively quit good job and moved to a different country.
I've been having passive suicidal ideation for a long term; but have made a series of really bad life decisions overtime, now I need a clean & quick exit.

I can relate to this SO much!! I've been making really bad and sometimes impulsive choices too! I also quit my job and don't have anything line up.
I've also been suicidal for years, but more recently it's become much stronger. I'm tired of fighting it! It hasn't been one thing for me, but more of a building up and adding to the shit show that is my life. I've tried all the resources I have and know of. I'm broke, hopeless, and just ready for it all to be over!
I hope you fine the peace you deserve!

 

[003]

I was a lurker for a couple months, one thing led to another and my life went completely downhill. I made a profile to mostly post my thoughts and interact.

 

[JesiBel]

I was looking for information on the ctb method of cutting (veins or arteries) and it turned out to be on the "not recommended list" so I joined to read more.

Since November I have started to feel very bad again, I no longer enjoy even the small things that made me happy. I have less and less hope and I am tired of trying. I never felt part of this world, in addition to several problems that I have been dragging around for years. It's like being on a roller coaster, one day up, one day down, and the dark thoughts never stop.