BlueButterfly111
Digital Diary🦋
- Dec 26, 2024
- 338
I know that most people here probably aren't psychiatrists or therapists, and I apologize if this post is offensive, but I just wanted to see if I can at least get some insight on this post. I plan on going to a psychiatrist hopefully sometime in the near future, but I'm working on financially being able to afford it, and no one will help me except myself.
Ever since middle school I've always felt different and weird, like an alien from a different planet. I tried to make friends, but I was bullied by almost all the "friends" I had and random peers. I've suspected since high school that I could be autistic, but whenever I bring it up to most people they don't believe me. The very few friends I've managed to make have also been people who are neurodivergent or different in some way.
Every time I bring it up to someone they don't believe me, yet I still end up getting bullied/ostracized by said people. Almost every job I've gotten I'm always given a hard time for being too "slow," despite trying my best. Instead of them acknowledging that there may be something going on with me, I usually just get bullied. My mother and stepfather use to rival against me, and my stepfather called me retarded on one occasion, luckily I don't live with them anymore. My grandmother would even blame me for a lot of things when I was a teenager, and say that I should just know things. And my other grandmother, who I barely seen would like ostracize me from the other grandchildren.
Despite all of this, whenever I try to bring it up to someone close to me or in my family, they always claim there's nothing wrong with me, or that I'm just trying to get attention or something. But then at the same time those same people still bully me for my traits. I'm just confused on why this is. I literally have no idea how to talk to people or make friends. I started a new job not to long ago, and I see people chatting and making banter all the time, but I cant figure out how to do it.
People assume that I'm just shy or quiet or I'm just not trying hard enough, but I do try to pick up on conversation skills but it never goes further than small talk, because I have no idea how to make a normal friendship, and people don't initiate friendships with me. The few men that have approached me usually only do so for sex, which is infuriating to me. I've been told that I'm attractive, and I'm pretty sure I'm conventionally attractive, so I'm not sure why this happens.
In early high school I started receiving accommodations, like getting extra help on tests and things like that, I think they said I had adhd or could possibly have adhd but I was never given an official diagnosis I don't think, and I grew up mostly in a small town. There was also a room they used to take a few kids into where they would help us, and I was one of them. I moved to a bigger city a few hours away when my mom wanted to move in with her boyfriend. I still believe I had the accommodations because when I went to college they told me that I was able to have extra help or something like that I can't remember. It's been years since then, I tried to ask my mom if she remembers anything about my accommodations or me having adhd, so this could possibly help me when I finally go to see a psychiatrist, but she claims she doesn't remember.
I thought that when I moved to a new city I would possibly be treated differently, and not bullied, but I was alone, and remember being ostracized there as well. Ever since high school for on and off periods I secretly chew on things that aren't edible like I cut towels and chew on paper towels and tissue paper and different type of fabrics and things of that nature. It originally started as a coping mechanism I think for stress, but now I think it could also be pica and even something I genuinely just enjoy doing. I also secretly love huffing all types of smells that you aren't supposed to smell like old fashioned mothballs, sharpies, chemicals, store smells, etc… I could go on and on, I've tried to stop it, and have tried to force myself to stop it, but it's just something I usually naturally end up doing due to stress eventually. I used to buy old fashioned mothballs and crush them up and sniff them in my room after work every day, but I stopped doing that due to financial reasons, and the fact that I live with other people in a smaller place now, and could easily get caught. Plus, I know it's not good for me, but like I said, this could be pica at this point or a resolute of having low blood iron, but at the same time, I think it's just something that I would enjoy doing, or would probably end up doing if left to my own devices. My mother and another family member knows about this, but never tried to help, and just told me to stop doing it, or said I was too old to be doing it.
I don't think that anyone in my life genuinely cares about me much. I'm usually the least liked in a group of people from the moment before I even open my mouth. I literally feel like an alien from a different planet, but people look at me weird when I say this, and say that there's nothing wrong with me. I literally barely graduated through high school, and just couldn't do college. Someone asked me why I wasn't in college recently, and I said it just wasn't for me. Then they acted confused and asked me why and asked me if I thought that I was "slow" and said that I underestimate myself.
I've been suicidal and depressed in the past from being lonely and not having any friends or close relationships. But whenever I told my mom the response is usually anger or that I have no reason to be depressed. I tried to post about all of this already on Reddit in like mental health subreddits, but for some reason my posts usually get removed and I was banned from multiple subreddits including the depression and suicidewatch subreddits.
The closest relationship I had was with my boyfriend who passed away and he was schizophrenic and bipolar, but I didn't even know until his sister told me after he passed away. I loved my boyfriend because he was sweet and nice and very kind and caring, and it was easy to get along with him. It was a whole situation I found out after he passed away that his family had called the police on him a lot in the past, but for some reason after he met me when they called that time a police officer decided to shoot him 8 times.
Over a year after he passed away, I tried to be in a relationship with the wrong guy that I met online while I was in a vulnerable place. I met him in person, and I shared all of this with him. The first thing the guy asked me when he first met me before I even said anything was if I was autistic. And plenty of times he said that I acted "slow." Then one day he got angry because I didn't want to meet up with him again after the things he said to me and he proceeded to blame me for my boyfriend's death and said that I wasn't slow or retarded, and that I just acted slow but I'm not. And he said that it was most likely my fault that my boyfriend passed away and that I drove him crazy because he's mental and I'm not.
Needless to say, I don't talk to that guy anymore. But what he said makes me feel guilty and I wonder if other people secretly blame me for his death. I remember after I made a post on social media about his death, a lady that I went to who would do my hair who had added me on social media started treating me weird and acting like cold towards me, so I stopped going to her.
I'm sure I'll just get mean comments, because that's what I'm used to. Like I said I know that no one here is a psychiatrist or therapist, and I do plan on going to one soon when I'm financially somewhat able to. But I just wanted to ask for some insight because I just feel completely alone in life and tired. I know that this is all over the place, and I apologize if I said anything offensive. I just feel that I really need help, and I'm really scared of going through life alone and at this point I don't see myself making it past age of 30, if I should even make it to that age! I cried after writing this, because I realized I just told kinda told my life story and I feel really sad about it. I'm 23 now and still dealing with those issues.
I want help, but it's like no one will help me, and when I tell people about it they say that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm completely normal and just making all of this up for attention or not trying hard enough, but then they still proceed to bully me for my traits. I feel like maybe all of this could be chalked up to the fact that I'm somewhat conventionally attractive and seem somewhat "normal" or even "smart" at first, but maybe my actions don't line up to their expectations, and maybe that's why I get bullied? But then I see that there's other people who are mentally ill or disabled and also somewhat conventionally attractive and they get the support they deserve. So I have suspected that maybe I'm just extremely unlucky with the people I've been around and no one cares for me. Idk, I always get told about how great people are and how I'm just around the wrong people yet I usually get ostracized or even bullied in every group I'm in.
I have suspected that I could possibly have high functioning autism, adhd, ocd, and/or even bipolar disorder because I went to a counselor when I was a teenager and they put me on mood stabilizers when I was younger, and they helped. But I'm iffy on the bipolar because I hear bipolar people on social media talk about things like manic episodes and I don't know if I can understand/relate to that, if I did have it may be mild. I think I covered everything, I might have missed some details. I know this is all over the place, and probably grammatically incorrect in a lot of places, and may not even make sense. It's really late at night, and I can't sleep, I'm overstimulated, my skin is itching like crazy, and I'm scared and alone and sad. I have a lot of nights like this, my brain won't shut up!! Random and loud unexpected noises make me wanna scream and cry and die, but I have little to no choice to be in these environments for now, and no one to help me.
I was supposed to kill myself a long time ago, but ended up backing out of it for a dumb reason, which I 100% believed was true at the time. I thought someone liked me, but I now don't believe they did, and now I can't get myself back into a suicidal mindset and end it, so I'm just stuck here. I now have this belief that there's some kind of spiritual reason or so why I'm still alive and that there's still some things that I need to experience. This is the reason why I'm trying to get myself help becauseI have this feeling that for some reason I need to try to make it to the age 30 or at least 29 so that I can experience enough before I die. But it's hard when I'm completely alone and there's no one helping me, so I'm hoping I can spiritually be sent someone or something to help me like my boyfriend was like an angel. If not then I'm hoping that I'll know when the time is right to ctb because I am scared and alone right now, I try to imagine that my boyfriend is still with me, but I really need some actual help if I want to live a few more years. A lot of times I think I should just commit suicide because my life sucks, and obviously no one cares about me, just blames me for everything.
I try to be a nice person, but always end up misunderstood and alone. I feel like I don't belong in this world, I feel like an alien from a different planet.
Ever since middle school I've always felt different and weird, like an alien from a different planet. I tried to make friends, but I was bullied by almost all the "friends" I had and random peers. I've suspected since high school that I could be autistic, but whenever I bring it up to most people they don't believe me. The very few friends I've managed to make have also been people who are neurodivergent or different in some way.
Every time I bring it up to someone they don't believe me, yet I still end up getting bullied/ostracized by said people. Almost every job I've gotten I'm always given a hard time for being too "slow," despite trying my best. Instead of them acknowledging that there may be something going on with me, I usually just get bullied. My mother and stepfather use to rival against me, and my stepfather called me retarded on one occasion, luckily I don't live with them anymore. My grandmother would even blame me for a lot of things when I was a teenager, and say that I should just know things. And my other grandmother, who I barely seen would like ostracize me from the other grandchildren.
Despite all of this, whenever I try to bring it up to someone close to me or in my family, they always claim there's nothing wrong with me, or that I'm just trying to get attention or something. But then at the same time those same people still bully me for my traits. I'm just confused on why this is. I literally have no idea how to talk to people or make friends. I started a new job not to long ago, and I see people chatting and making banter all the time, but I cant figure out how to do it.
People assume that I'm just shy or quiet or I'm just not trying hard enough, but I do try to pick up on conversation skills but it never goes further than small talk, because I have no idea how to make a normal friendship, and people don't initiate friendships with me. The few men that have approached me usually only do so for sex, which is infuriating to me. I've been told that I'm attractive, and I'm pretty sure I'm conventionally attractive, so I'm not sure why this happens.
In early high school I started receiving accommodations, like getting extra help on tests and things like that, I think they said I had adhd or could possibly have adhd but I was never given an official diagnosis I don't think, and I grew up mostly in a small town. There was also a room they used to take a few kids into where they would help us, and I was one of them. I moved to a bigger city a few hours away when my mom wanted to move in with her boyfriend. I still believe I had the accommodations because when I went to college they told me that I was able to have extra help or something like that I can't remember. It's been years since then, I tried to ask my mom if she remembers anything about my accommodations or me having adhd, so this could possibly help me when I finally go to see a psychiatrist, but she claims she doesn't remember.
I thought that when I moved to a new city I would possibly be treated differently, and not bullied, but I was alone, and remember being ostracized there as well. Ever since high school for on and off periods I secretly chew on things that aren't edible like I cut towels and chew on paper towels and tissue paper and different type of fabrics and things of that nature. It originally started as a coping mechanism I think for stress, but now I think it could also be pica and even something I genuinely just enjoy doing. I also secretly love huffing all types of smells that you aren't supposed to smell like old fashioned mothballs, sharpies, chemicals, store smells, etc… I could go on and on, I've tried to stop it, and have tried to force myself to stop it, but it's just something I usually naturally end up doing due to stress eventually. I used to buy old fashioned mothballs and crush them up and sniff them in my room after work every day, but I stopped doing that due to financial reasons, and the fact that I live with other people in a smaller place now, and could easily get caught. Plus, I know it's not good for me, but like I said, this could be pica at this point or a resolute of having low blood iron, but at the same time, I think it's just something that I would enjoy doing, or would probably end up doing if left to my own devices. My mother and another family member knows about this, but never tried to help, and just told me to stop doing it, or said I was too old to be doing it.
I don't think that anyone in my life genuinely cares about me much. I'm usually the least liked in a group of people from the moment before I even open my mouth. I literally feel like an alien from a different planet, but people look at me weird when I say this, and say that there's nothing wrong with me. I literally barely graduated through high school, and just couldn't do college. Someone asked me why I wasn't in college recently, and I said it just wasn't for me. Then they acted confused and asked me why and asked me if I thought that I was "slow" and said that I underestimate myself.
I've been suicidal and depressed in the past from being lonely and not having any friends or close relationships. But whenever I told my mom the response is usually anger or that I have no reason to be depressed. I tried to post about all of this already on Reddit in like mental health subreddits, but for some reason my posts usually get removed and I was banned from multiple subreddits including the depression and suicidewatch subreddits.
The closest relationship I had was with my boyfriend who passed away and he was schizophrenic and bipolar, but I didn't even know until his sister told me after he passed away. I loved my boyfriend because he was sweet and nice and very kind and caring, and it was easy to get along with him. It was a whole situation I found out after he passed away that his family had called the police on him a lot in the past, but for some reason after he met me when they called that time a police officer decided to shoot him 8 times.
Over a year after he passed away, I tried to be in a relationship with the wrong guy that I met online while I was in a vulnerable place. I met him in person, and I shared all of this with him. The first thing the guy asked me when he first met me before I even said anything was if I was autistic. And plenty of times he said that I acted "slow." Then one day he got angry because I didn't want to meet up with him again after the things he said to me and he proceeded to blame me for my boyfriend's death and said that I wasn't slow or retarded, and that I just acted slow but I'm not. And he said that it was most likely my fault that my boyfriend passed away and that I drove him crazy because he's mental and I'm not.
Needless to say, I don't talk to that guy anymore. But what he said makes me feel guilty and I wonder if other people secretly blame me for his death. I remember after I made a post on social media about his death, a lady that I went to who would do my hair who had added me on social media started treating me weird and acting like cold towards me, so I stopped going to her.
I'm sure I'll just get mean comments, because that's what I'm used to. Like I said I know that no one here is a psychiatrist or therapist, and I do plan on going to one soon when I'm financially somewhat able to. But I just wanted to ask for some insight because I just feel completely alone in life and tired. I know that this is all over the place, and I apologize if I said anything offensive. I just feel that I really need help, and I'm really scared of going through life alone and at this point I don't see myself making it past age of 30, if I should even make it to that age! I cried after writing this, because I realized I just told kinda told my life story and I feel really sad about it. I'm 23 now and still dealing with those issues.
I want help, but it's like no one will help me, and when I tell people about it they say that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm completely normal and just making all of this up for attention or not trying hard enough, but then they still proceed to bully me for my traits. I feel like maybe all of this could be chalked up to the fact that I'm somewhat conventionally attractive and seem somewhat "normal" or even "smart" at first, but maybe my actions don't line up to their expectations, and maybe that's why I get bullied? But then I see that there's other people who are mentally ill or disabled and also somewhat conventionally attractive and they get the support they deserve. So I have suspected that maybe I'm just extremely unlucky with the people I've been around and no one cares for me. Idk, I always get told about how great people are and how I'm just around the wrong people yet I usually get ostracized or even bullied in every group I'm in.
I have suspected that I could possibly have high functioning autism, adhd, ocd, and/or even bipolar disorder because I went to a counselor when I was a teenager and they put me on mood stabilizers when I was younger, and they helped. But I'm iffy on the bipolar because I hear bipolar people on social media talk about things like manic episodes and I don't know if I can understand/relate to that, if I did have it may be mild. I think I covered everything, I might have missed some details. I know this is all over the place, and probably grammatically incorrect in a lot of places, and may not even make sense. It's really late at night, and I can't sleep, I'm overstimulated, my skin is itching like crazy, and I'm scared and alone and sad. I have a lot of nights like this, my brain won't shut up!! Random and loud unexpected noises make me wanna scream and cry and die, but I have little to no choice to be in these environments for now, and no one to help me.
I was supposed to kill myself a long time ago, but ended up backing out of it for a dumb reason, which I 100% believed was true at the time. I thought someone liked me, but I now don't believe they did, and now I can't get myself back into a suicidal mindset and end it, so I'm just stuck here. I now have this belief that there's some kind of spiritual reason or so why I'm still alive and that there's still some things that I need to experience. This is the reason why I'm trying to get myself help becauseI have this feeling that for some reason I need to try to make it to the age 30 or at least 29 so that I can experience enough before I die. But it's hard when I'm completely alone and there's no one helping me, so I'm hoping I can spiritually be sent someone or something to help me like my boyfriend was like an angel. If not then I'm hoping that I'll know when the time is right to ctb because I am scared and alone right now, I try to imagine that my boyfriend is still with me, but I really need some actual help if I want to live a few more years. A lot of times I think I should just commit suicide because my life sucks, and obviously no one cares about me, just blames me for everything.
I try to be a nice person, but always end up misunderstood and alone. I feel like I don't belong in this world, I feel like an alien from a different planet.
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