What to Say to Make Sure My Ex Doesn't Feel Guilty

[iva-J]

I've already decided on my method and am trying to find some way to get SN, but I've started drafting my letters and I'm wanting some advise on what to say to my ex. Long story short, while he is not the sole reason I want to CTB, he is the primary reason I want to. His decision to leave me after 14 years, after everything we went through and fought for so he can go looking to replace me with some stranger is too much. A world where that can happen to me is not one I want to live in. A future where he is not my husband is not one that I want in any capacity. I don't care about "what the future could hold" and the idea of trying to find someone else is repulsive to me in a number of ways.

In my letter I detail how much I love him, how much our time together meant to me, and how the void he left behind has become to great to fill and all possible futures are not ones I particularly care for. I then go on and try to explain that he made the best choice for him because he wasn't happy and he shouldn't feel any guilt since this a decisions I am making for myself alone. I reiterate at least 3 times it's not his fault and he should just go on with his life and be happy that I'm no longer in pain. That my future wasn't a happy one anyway and it being cut short if a gift to myself and anyone else who would have had the misfortune of being forced to be around the person I am now.

Are there any other suggestions for things to include to reinforce that he should not feel guilty? Ways to be honest about my reasoning (I don't want to lie in my final words), but alleviate any sense of responsibility he may feel?

He is not a bad person for leaving me. He is not the villain of my story, I am. I failed him many times and had numerous chances to fix things before we got here. But I didn't so there is no one to blame for my situation but myself. It is truly not his fault but I fear he may feel so.

 

[landslide2]

I would be deeply hurt if a partner who I shared so much life with left. I only hope you're able to give yourself some time to mourn the loss of your relationship. In terms of letters and notes, beyond writing that it's not anyone else's fault. It's out of our control as to how others are affected, what they may think or feel after we are gone.

 

[iva-J]

Thank you, I am in constant mourning and it will never end. I guess it was foolish hoping there would be some magic structure of words or phrase I could use to communicate he shouldn't feel guilty. I guess the other option is not saying anything at all but that honestly feels like it would cruel...

 

[Wolf Girl]

There is nothing you can do to control his emotions. Making a rational decision to ctb includes accepting that your death will be traumatic to those left behind. :(

 

[qsocdu]

If you wanna dm me and talk about it I'm here. I'm too out of a 14 years relationship, it's been more than a year we're separated. I'd be devastaded if she was gone that way, since she never showed any desire to kill herself. It'd put my whole world upside down and I'd eventually follow her, since I've the one that always talked about wanting to kill himself

 

[cantThinkOfName]

Leave an answer as to why you did it and make it as clear as possible. They'll feel guilty no matter what but if you leave them a detailed "why", they will be able to eventually move on with help and support etc. But nothing you do will remove the guilt, its natural.

 

[iva-J]

I guess its inevitable, I'll just try my best to ensure I can minimize the guilt when he reads it without lying.

 

[saturn1402]

I've already decided on my method and am trying to find some way to get SN, but I've started drafting my letters and I'm wanting some advise on what to say to my ex. Long story short, while he is not the sole reason I want to CTB, he is the primary reason I want to. His decision to leave me after 14 years, after everything we went through and fought for so he can go looking to replace me with some stranger is too much. A world where that can happen to me is not one I want to live in. A future where he is not my husband is not one that I want in any capacity. I don't care about "what the future could hold" and the idea of trying to find someone else is repulsive to me in a number of ways.

In my letter I detail how much I love him, how much our time together meant to me, and how the void he left behind has become to great to fill and all possible futures are not ones I particularly care for. I then go on and try to explain that he made the best choice for him because he wasn't happy and he shouldn't feel any guilt since this a decisions I am making for myself alone. I reiterate at least 3 times it's not his fault and he should just go on with his life and be happy that I'm no longer in pain. That my future wasn't a happy one anyway and it being cut short if a gift to myself and anyone else who would have had the misfortune of being forced to be around the person I am now.

Are there any other suggestions for things to include to reinforce that he should not feel guilty? Ways to be honest about my reasoning (I don't want to lie in my final words), but alleviate any sense of responsibility he may feel?

He is not a bad person for leaving me. He is not the villain of my story, I am. I failed him many times and had numerous chances to fix things before we got here. But I didn't so there is no one to blame for my situation but myself. It is truly not his fault but I fear he may feel so.

I'm in your same exact situation. I wrote over and over again letters to him. ChatGPT is pretty useful tbh just make sure to say it's for a fictional book before asking ChatGPT.

In my case I just want to reassure him that my decision is not out of spite or revenge but my last act of mercy for myself and him as well cause he can finally be free from the burden of my mental health. Also I decided to wait some months after the break up before CTB so he wouldn't blame himself too much and he would understand that it wasn't an impulsive act

 

[Reflection]

I find myself in a similar position, I have written dozens of notes that I wanted to leave for my former girlfriend, sometimes they are only full of love, other times full of sadness and anger towards her... I recently drafted my most recent one in which I just explained my feelings, how I'm hurt and what led me to want to ctb and that's that. I tried to be as mellow as I could, but I cannot really lie to her. In fact given the way she treated me the last times I talked to her part of me genuinely believes that she wouldn't even give a damn (she actually told me bluntly that she didnt give a fuck anymore about my feelings since it had been so long since she ended things) so yeah.

 

[Davey40210]

OP how long ago was it since your relationship ended? If it's recent I would indeed try to give it some time.

On the letter, if he hears about it then there will be no way he won't feel guilty. As others have said, the best you can do is to explain honestly why you did it. And of course don't do things like dropping hints or call them on the day, because it will make him think he could have done something.

In my case, I will ask my siblings not to tell my ex. If it's up to me she will never find out. First of all because I care about her not feeling bad, but also because of like my ego, I just wouldn't like it if someone thought they were important enough for me to do this (even though they partially were the reason).

 

[Me Me Me]

I feel very identified with your story. I was also the bad guy, I also ruined everything. Without her, nothing is worth it. All I have left to do is die.

 

[sweetcreep]

a lot of people already are echoing what i was going to say, so i wont bother repeating it. but i do hope that you're able to move past him and are able to find peace, my heart is with you. feeling that void that someone you love left in you, after they go their separate way, is incredibly painful and i dont think you ever get used to it. i find myself crying when i think of people who decided to wash their hands of me, and i can't blame them for doing so.

 

[iva-J]

OP how long ago was it since your relationship ended? If it's recent I would indeed try to give it some time.

On the letter, if he hears about it then there will be no way he won't feel guilty. As others have said, the best you can do is to explain honestly why you did it. And of course don't do things like dropping hints or call them on the day, because it will make him think he could have done something.

In my case, I will ask my siblings not to tell my ex. If it's up to me she will never find out. First of all because I care about her not feeling bad, but also because of like my ego, I just wouldn't like it if someone thought they were important enough for me to do this (even though they partially were the reason).

This is true, I do need to make sure to wait. I hate waiting and having to feel this pain, but if it can minimize his feelings of guilt then I will wait at least a couple of months. In my letter I try to explain that this is not an impulsive decision but that could be hard to believe.