persepexa
Specialist
- Feb 7, 2025
- 349
So my AE is coming either Monday or Tuesday. I have my SN. By all accounts I should be able to CTB next week. There are 2 things I need to consider. Next Saturday is my 30th birthday. I have no plans for it I just feel it would be really upsetting. Also, and this is the big one, my aunt is dying. She and my mother are very close and the whole family is devastated. She was given the news about a month ago and she's still with us. We have no idea how long she has left but she is definitely dying and there is nothing the doctors can do. I am desperate to CTB but losing a sibling and a child so close together would destroy my mother. I don't know what to do. On the one hand selfishly I just can't stand my life any more, I hate myself and I don't want to be here. On the other hand, as hard as it is going to be for my mother anyway, losing us both within weeks will devastate her to the point of a mental breakdown. I know my mother, I know that's too much for her to take. They will also hate me for it because I have known about this since she first got the news. It's not a coincidence. They will know that I heard about my aunt, planned my own CTB, considered how it would impact them to lose us both at the same time, and did it anyway. I really don't know what to do.
