This is my first post so please forgive me for the long post and any issues you may see.
Here is a little bit of background for context. Ive been suicidal since I was 12 and im currently 42. I tried to overdose when I was 24 but I was taken to the hospital and my stomach was pumped out. Recently I've lost pretty much everything (job, wife, kids, home, the very little purpose I had) due to my actions and spent months in jail. While there, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.
I'm currently camping at my parents and getting my final affairs in order so I can leave this world for good. I wanted to post my thoughts here because I have no other outlet nor do I want one. These words will eventually be buried in the posts here and that's good.
They are going to say that i was a coward. That i took the easy way out. That I didn't care about my children. That I didn't care about the people who loved me. That I was selfish. That i was weak. That I was an abuser.
No one is going to see how long I fought for internally with my own demons. That I was driven here by choices made by me and others but truthfully this is always what the outcome would be. That I was told that im a bad father more times than I care to admit when all I did was try to provide. That i was told that i was a bad husband even more times. That my wife hates me and my kids don't miss me. That everyone is better off living their lives without me. That I was a burden running through their mind and distracting them. That people did love me but I had to beg the one I love to love me back. That I was played, used, and lied to. That I tried even after that. That I cared more for my family then myself. That my wife will be free to live and my children will be free to thrive. That my heart was ripped out and cut to pieces with a dull saw, minced and put back together more times then I care to admit. That my soul was tied to the only person who did this to me. That my mind hated every aspect of who I was. That I fucked up because I was constantly disrespected. That I was told that the one night stands were better people then me. That I loved even after that. That I was dehumanized. That I was made to feel like an ant in my own home. That I loved even after that. That I cried for so long. That I cried everyday until I was gone. That the person I loved was my entire identity only to have her lie to me over and over again. That I was asked to never leave her side but she burned my entire universe and left in minutes. That she was only with me, playing a game because she thought she couldn't be alone. That these wounds are lethal and will not heal and bleed profusely all day. That I couldn't take the distance anymore. That I couldn't take the cold shoulder and no communication anymore.
NO ONE and that's okay.
Here is a little bit of background for context. Ive been suicidal since I was 12 and im currently 42. I tried to overdose when I was 24 but I was taken to the hospital and my stomach was pumped out. Recently I've lost pretty much everything (job, wife, kids, home, the very little purpose I had) due to my actions and spent months in jail. While there, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.
I'm currently camping at my parents and getting my final affairs in order so I can leave this world for good. I wanted to post my thoughts here because I have no other outlet nor do I want one. These words will eventually be buried in the posts here and that's good.
They are going to say that i was a coward. That i took the easy way out. That I didn't care about my children. That I didn't care about the people who loved me. That I was selfish. That i was weak. That I was an abuser.
No one is going to see how long I fought for internally with my own demons. That I was driven here by choices made by me and others but truthfully this is always what the outcome would be. That I was told that im a bad father more times than I care to admit when all I did was try to provide. That i was told that i was a bad husband even more times. That my wife hates me and my kids don't miss me. That everyone is better off living their lives without me. That I was a burden running through their mind and distracting them. That people did love me but I had to beg the one I love to love me back. That I was played, used, and lied to. That I tried even after that. That I cared more for my family then myself. That my wife will be free to live and my children will be free to thrive. That my heart was ripped out and cut to pieces with a dull saw, minced and put back together more times then I care to admit. That my soul was tied to the only person who did this to me. That my mind hated every aspect of who I was. That I fucked up because I was constantly disrespected. That I was told that the one night stands were better people then me. That I loved even after that. That I was dehumanized. That I was made to feel like an ant in my own home. That I loved even after that. That I cried for so long. That I cried everyday until I was gone. That the person I loved was my entire identity only to have her lie to me over and over again. That I was asked to never leave her side but she burned my entire universe and left in minutes. That she was only with me, playing a game because she thought she couldn't be alone. That these wounds are lethal and will not heal and bleed profusely all day. That I couldn't take the distance anymore. That I couldn't take the cold shoulder and no communication anymore.
NO ONE and that's okay.
