Venting “What the hell???”

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Have you ever looked at your younger self and thought: "What the hell??? Why was I so dumb thinking I could achieve anything in this life? What was wrong with me? Why were there ever any dreams, hopes and goals? Why did I ever thought I was smart, kind and maybe even attractive? Why was I so blind and delusional? Why have I ever considered myself worthy of anything good?"
That's exactly what I've been thinking about for the past two years. I'm 34 now and I can't believe it took me so long to see the truth about myself and finally decide to bow out…..

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Lol, same. Thought I was the shit back in the day. Now that I'm an old man at the end of his life things are way more clear.

 

[apathetic.]

Oh yeah pretty much. I always thought of myself as special because I was naturally good at many things.

Never thought for things to end this way.

 

[chocolatebar]

One thing that kept me alive in the past was the illusion that in the future, things would be great fr me, but at some point, I realised that this future should already have happened. Even tough I was already suicidal back then, I didn't put much effort at it, because I was still delusional and naive.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Oh yeah pretty much. I always thought of myself as special because I was naturally good at many things.

Never thought for things to end this way.

But you're saying yourself you were good at many things. So you shouldn't think low of yourself. But regardless of anything you are special.

Lol, same. Thought I was the shit back in the day. Now that I'm an old man at the end of his life things are way more clear.

You are a mystery to me

One thing that kept me alive in the past was the illusion that in the future, things would be great fr me, but at some point, I realised that this future should already have happened. Even tough I was already suicidal back then, I didn't put much effort at it, because I was still delusional and naive.

Exactly. Delusional and naive. I thought there was a future for me too. I think my only excuse for thinking it could work out is I worked hard at school and at uni.

 

[settheory]

Nah, i was quite pessimistic (realistic?) about my future pretty much my whole life. Before i could read i was even afraid of possibility of never learning to read. Some things turned better then i expected or speculated, some worse.

 

[stygal]

I actually just want to turn back the time to stop myself from making a thousand bad decisions.
As for the rest I agree with @babylonian_utopian - due to early events I actually never believed I could achieve anything. Surprised I am at least able to support myself and live on my own.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I actually just want to turn back the time to stop myself from making a thousand bad decisions.
As for the rest I agree with @babylonian_utopian - due to early events I actually never believed I could achieve anything. Surprised I am at least able to support myself and live on my own.

Surprised or not, you still did good, and you should be proud of yourself. I mean, look at me. I still live off of my mom. So you should be really be proud of yourself!

 

[stygal]

Surprised or not, you still did good, and you should be proud of yourself. I mean, look at me. I still live off of my mom. So you should be really be proud of yourself!

Its just lots of coincidences and luck I got a job that I actually can hold down...I just told my mom that I otherwise would need her to support me too.

But thanks
You're such a kind person and its fucking unfair you had such bad luck

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Its just lots of coincidences and luck I got a job that I actually can hold down...I just told my mom that I otherwise would need her to support me too.

But thanks
You're such a kind person and its fucking unfair you had such bad luck

Thank you for your kindness!!
Coincidences, luck or not, it's still amazing that you're capable of supporting yourself!! It's not as easy as some people think. I wish you all the best and hope many good things will come your way someday!!!

 

[Midgardsorm]

Yes. I mostly remember my actions when I was a kid. I didn't think I was smart or attractive, because I never thought, I was reminded everyday by everyone that I was not.
I was called by all names, especially ugly and stupid.

However when I remember my actions, the things I did, I feel just embarrassed, I get a deep feeling of guilt.
So many ridiculous actions.

I can't help but to think that I deserve to suffer.

But I need to tell you a thing. For what I see here, everyday, you're very kind. To everyone, even to me. I don't even think I deserve your kindness. And if it's you in the picture, you're very attractive, be sure of that.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I I have always expected the worst. I am very pessimistic. I have seen things for what they are. The way I see it, everything is out of your control and luck mostly determines what happens to you. The fact is, that this life is not for me and my existence is a mistake. Maybe I did have a bit of hope in the past but it never lasted long. For me, any hope is delusional. It is painful to wish for things that you cannot achieve. Life is so cruel.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Yes. I mostly remember my actions when I was a kid. I didn't think I was smart or attractive, because I never thought, I was reminded everyday by everyone that I was not.
I was called by all names, especially ugly and stupid.

However when I remember my actions, the things I did, I feel just embarrassed, I get a deep feeling of guilt.
So many ridiculous actions.

I can't help but to think that I deserve to suffer.

But I need to tell you a thing. For what I see here, everyday, you're very kind. To everyone, even to me. I don't even think I deserve your kindness. And if it's you in the picture, you're very attractive, be sure of that.

I really appreciate your words. Thank you so much. I'm trying to be better.
I personally believe we're all allowed to have second chances. We all make mistakes. Especially when we've realized it, owned up to it and maybe tried to make amends. I don't know what you had done, but I don't believe you deserve suffering. You seem like a nice and a smart person. Please, don't be so hard on yourself.

P.S. it is me in the picture. I don't know why people keep asking me that. Why would I put a pic of some random chick on my avatar? I'm far from "attractive"

In my case I I have always expected the worst. I am very pessimistic. I have seen things for what they are. The way I see it, everything is out of your control and luck mostly determines what happens to you. The fact is, that this life is not for me and my existence is a mistake. Maybe I did have a bit of hope in the past but it never lasted long. For me, any hope is delusional. It is painful to wish for things that you cannot achieve. Life is so cruel.

I know. Life is very hard and cruel. And being hopeful is hard too. If only hope could kill….

 

[deflationary]

I'm kinda the opposite in the sense that I wonder why I never had any hopes or dreams. I didn't have anything terribly wrong with me, I was fairly intelligent and decent-looking, I didn't have any huge childhood traumas, etc. Yet I mostly just never felt like I fit in, socializing didn't come naturally to me, I was too sensitive and shy. I just never saw a place for myself in this world and so even attempting to chase after anything seemed pointless. I've always quit everything at the first sign of hardship.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I'm kinda the opposite in the sense that I wonder why I never had any hopes or dreams. I didn't have anything terribly wrong with me, I was fairly intelligent and decent-looking, I didn't have any huge childhood traumas, etc. Yet I mostly just never felt like I fit in, socializing didn't come naturally to me, I was too sensitive and shy. I just never saw a place for myself in this world and so even attempting to chase after anything seemed pointless. I've always quit everything at the first sign of hardship.

That's me. Bailing out whenever there were any difficulties. Can't cope with pressure. Literally crumble under any kind of pressure. But damn I was hopeful and cheerful and a little happy even. I had no childhood traumas as well. But that life seemed so surreal now.

 

[ClownMe]

I remember in my teen years I actually thought that things would get better as I got older

 

[Mr2005]

No I think I was pretty great and my life went to shit based on one decision

 

[Chiisai]

Oh yeah pretty much. I always thought of myself as special because I was naturally good at many things.

Never thought for things to end this way.

I feel you. I believe that majority of people who suffer depression or other mental/emotional diagnosis either have high IQ/low EQ ratio, on the High functioning spectrum which either aware or unaware, or both though I do not mean any offense. I somehow relate as I feel my reactions to interactions is just an emulation of what is normally a reaction in a usual conversation and I have an intense focus on things Im working on.