Venting What the hell is wrong with me

[networkAutomata]

I want so badly to feel like I have any sort of worth, and the only way I can get to a baseline of "I'm a person too" is if I feel I am achieving highly or working myself to exhaustion (which exhaustion for me just looks like normal effort or worse, so it balances out). Every time I make a mistake, say something or do something stupid or hurtful (even like fumbling with a door, spacing out or being clumsy), or spend the day being unproductive, my worth counter sets back to zero. I just feel so much weaker and worse than other people and I keep circling back to the thought that I was supposed to have died before it got to this point (I'm turning 21 in a little over a month and the upcoming birthday is making the ideation so much stronger. No job prospects or honors or internships just continuing to be a disgusting worthless leech). Someone like me isn't supposed keep going, life is for strong people and I am just not and never will be. The biggest appeal of ctb to me is that I'm weeding myself out of a world that isn't meant for me. It's better to just end it instead of drawing out this pointless charade of being a real person where I fumble around embarrassing myself by imitating humanity until my last breath and bringing everyone around me so much shame and second hand embarrassment. Other people should be angry at me for just existing. I miss when I was being treated like that because it felt right, like I finally understood my place. And now that nobody is yelling at me I have to do it myself. It's been exhausting living on my own for the first time. I'm falling behind in college and every single day is just too much for me to handle even though I definitely have it so much easier than everyone else I know. And yet I still want to die which is just another sign of my weakness. I don't have a real chronic illness or anything just classic late diagnosed autism but its "low support needs" so I should be able to do everything and there is no excuse for me to be so exhausted by everything. Everyone on Earth is tired all the time and they still do what they need to every day. And all I do is go to class and sit there and sleep and waste oxygen while my brain continues to degrade. I don't enjoy anything. My disability is being stupid and lazy. My parents are rich and support me, I don't have a real job or anything and have never worked more than 20 hours a week at a job, I have a long term partner of almost 3 years, I've been on HRT for almost 3 as well, and various psych meds and had therapy for most of my life, and yet with all these immense privileges and gifts I still just ultimately want to die. What a selfish disgusting asshole. I truly do hate myself and I dissociate often and start to see myself in the third person and feel such a deep contempt. That's who I am? It disgusts me. Of all the fortune in the world it was granted to someone who doesn't deserve to live.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Fellow LSN autist here. Low support needs does not mean NO support needs. It just means less compared to others. Compared to ableds, you have "high." You might not be able to do everything, that's the point.

Privilege doesn't fix suffering. Money doesn't fix depression. I grew up upper middle class, but also suffered greatly. Your story is your own.

 

[orpheus_]

You don't need to prove that you're productive or strong to be worth living. I know it's also a matter of personal worldview, but I throughly believe that every human has inherent worth that does not need to be "earned" by becoming a gear in this capitalist society. And there are more people who think the same.

From what I understood, you experienced abuse and that's probably what caused you to develop such big self esteem issues. I know, I know, I'm "talking like a therapist" but I think it's worth noticing where some beliefs come from, you never deserved to be treated bad. People who abuse others are just fucking jerks, not some sort of "fair judges".

Also it's not like you cannot suffer even if you have access to therapy, money and stuff, the thing is
Being autistic also certainly makes your life harder, even if you're "low support need". Well maybe you always tried to "not be an issue to everyone" and didn't ask for support. And it lead you to a mental breakdown as it often happens from what I know. (I'm not autistic so sorry

Also it's not normal to be tired all the time. Yes, people say that, but it's often because people overwork themselves and if you are tired for no reason, it's fair that you cannot even imagine working. Depression does that to people, everything you do is tiring as fuck. (and if you tell me you're not depressed, I'm sorry but it really sounds like you are)

You deserve a good life. I know it's hard, trying to keep going when there's something in your head constantly telling you that you're a worthless piece of shit.. but that is not necessarily true. Good luck and I hope you will feel better <3