heartless_95
In the bleak midwinter ..
- Sep 3, 2019
- 27
My family immigrated to Canada when I was 5 from Russia and I grew up here ever since. My parents were both very young and had huge marital issues at the time. They drank almost every day and got drunk and belligerent. My mom was very violent towards me and my dad and they had physical fights and screaming matches often. When my brother was born, things got a bit better but both my parents were still really depressed. My mom suffered a stroke she was 30 and almost died and I was being bullied at middle school at that time relentlessly. We had no other family/relatives here, only each other.
My dad eventually lost his job when I turned 17 and it just went downhill from there. He was the sole breadwinner in our family and refused to get another job, essentially telling us all that he was going to move back to Russia and that was that. We could choose to go back with him. I started drinking and being promiscuous, staying out late and my grades were falling. I lost most of my high school friends because of my erratic behavior at the time. I did end up graduating, went back to Russia with my parents and brother and stayed there for a grand total of 4 months before I couldn't stand it any longer and went back on my own with $200 to my name. I had applied for college back in Canada and was accepted. My dad told me he would help me if he can. I stayed with a boyfriend I had at the time and went through college. Worked part time to pay for my rooming and food when I was in school, and dad would send me a bit of money every month to help out. Eventually graduated with good marks and got a job in my field, my own apartment and everything.
Now, my mom meanwhile had left my dad when they got to Russia, and my dad got weekday custody and she has weekend. She married another man and had a child with him (my half sister) and that man has since passed away from lung cancer. She is working to try to get back to Canada now and come live with me.
I had trouble getting my legal documents for the longest time and now have finally gained traction in getting it all resolved so I can finally see my family again, 5 years after I left.
The problem is, the years in between have left me scarred. I'm not the best with making or keeping friends and the stress of my lifestyle has made me extremely depressed. I frequently compare myself with people I know and friends of mine and feel resentment that they have it easier than I do. I turned to drinking myself eventually after a really hard breakup with a boyfriend I had been with for 3 years. It was horrible. I would drink the whole day after work and pass out at 2 AM... Only to wake up at 6 for work and then come back home after and drink again, barely eating. I racked up so much debt because of drinking and much of it is in collections and I don't even know how to pay it all back despite having a decent job. Too ashamed to talk about it with my father.
At this point in life I just want nothing more than to CTB. I drove so many people away because I'm fucked up and can't talk to people/manage relationships, have substance abuse issues and have a difficult time going to a therapist. Have severe body image problems and impulses. I feel like I screwed up so many times in life and missed out on a lot of opportunities because of the way I am. Might be mental illness but it's probably just because I'm a piece of shit.
My mom and I have better relations now and I really do love her but still feel the resentment towards her for how my early life was so fucked up. I had a fight with her recently because of this and she called me ungrateful and that I should be thankful to my parents for giving me the chance to live somewhere like Canada. She also essentially told me that physical abuse I endured/witnessed never happened. I was so upset by her lies that I threatened to hurt myself and that upset her, now we aren't speaking.
What the fuck do I do?? How do I even fix this? I feel like such an asshole and that nothing I can do is the right choice, and that I can't be helped. I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when my mom and sister need me for when they move back and need somewhere to stay. At the same time I just feel hopeless as fuck. Severely depressed and feel like the future is really bleak. I don't have any family here and the few friends that I have don't live very close, so I can't see them often. I have so little energy to help myself and feel like I need to be punished for all the dumb shit I've done in my life and just need to drop dead. I already ordered SN and meto and am just waiting for it now but I feel so damn guilty.
Is there any hope for this situation? Should I just ignore what I'm feeling and stick it out for the sake of family? Am I just ungrateful and a complete narcissist? I don't even know if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being pathetic
Really sorry for the long read... Thank you for anyone who read this far
My dad eventually lost his job when I turned 17 and it just went downhill from there. He was the sole breadwinner in our family and refused to get another job, essentially telling us all that he was going to move back to Russia and that was that. We could choose to go back with him. I started drinking and being promiscuous, staying out late and my grades were falling. I lost most of my high school friends because of my erratic behavior at the time. I did end up graduating, went back to Russia with my parents and brother and stayed there for a grand total of 4 months before I couldn't stand it any longer and went back on my own with $200 to my name. I had applied for college back in Canada and was accepted. My dad told me he would help me if he can. I stayed with a boyfriend I had at the time and went through college. Worked part time to pay for my rooming and food when I was in school, and dad would send me a bit of money every month to help out. Eventually graduated with good marks and got a job in my field, my own apartment and everything.
Now, my mom meanwhile had left my dad when they got to Russia, and my dad got weekday custody and she has weekend. She married another man and had a child with him (my half sister) and that man has since passed away from lung cancer. She is working to try to get back to Canada now and come live with me.
I had trouble getting my legal documents for the longest time and now have finally gained traction in getting it all resolved so I can finally see my family again, 5 years after I left.
The problem is, the years in between have left me scarred. I'm not the best with making or keeping friends and the stress of my lifestyle has made me extremely depressed. I frequently compare myself with people I know and friends of mine and feel resentment that they have it easier than I do. I turned to drinking myself eventually after a really hard breakup with a boyfriend I had been with for 3 years. It was horrible. I would drink the whole day after work and pass out at 2 AM... Only to wake up at 6 for work and then come back home after and drink again, barely eating. I racked up so much debt because of drinking and much of it is in collections and I don't even know how to pay it all back despite having a decent job. Too ashamed to talk about it with my father.
At this point in life I just want nothing more than to CTB. I drove so many people away because I'm fucked up and can't talk to people/manage relationships, have substance abuse issues and have a difficult time going to a therapist. Have severe body image problems and impulses. I feel like I screwed up so many times in life and missed out on a lot of opportunities because of the way I am. Might be mental illness but it's probably just because I'm a piece of shit.
My mom and I have better relations now and I really do love her but still feel the resentment towards her for how my early life was so fucked up. I had a fight with her recently because of this and she called me ungrateful and that I should be thankful to my parents for giving me the chance to live somewhere like Canada. She also essentially told me that physical abuse I endured/witnessed never happened. I was so upset by her lies that I threatened to hurt myself and that upset her, now we aren't speaking.
What the fuck do I do?? How do I even fix this? I feel like such an asshole and that nothing I can do is the right choice, and that I can't be helped. I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when my mom and sister need me for when they move back and need somewhere to stay. At the same time I just feel hopeless as fuck. Severely depressed and feel like the future is really bleak. I don't have any family here and the few friends that I have don't live very close, so I can't see them often. I have so little energy to help myself and feel like I need to be punished for all the dumb shit I've done in my life and just need to drop dead. I already ordered SN and meto and am just waiting for it now but I feel so damn guilty.
Is there any hope for this situation? Should I just ignore what I'm feeling and stick it out for the sake of family? Am I just ungrateful and a complete narcissist? I don't even know if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being pathetic
Really sorry for the long read... Thank you for anyone who read this far