Venting what the fuck is my problem

[uncat_]

im not particularly suicidal right now, but i keep finding myself looking for reasons to ctb. ive been on and off suicidal my whole life, and this might be the last summer i can get any sort of treatment if i fail another attempt.

I've been struggling a lot with anhedonia, and im not sure how to give life any more meaning or excitement than it has right now. my life is honestly amazing on paper, if you ignore all the hospitalizations a couple year ago. im im college, im not doing too bad even though it feels like it. i have friends, a bestfriend and a partner. i have community in a faith ive been raised with, even though i dont really follow the faith. i have a decent relationship with my parents, even though we fight a lot, i know im loved.

im not trying to brag, im trying to explain my position.

despite all of these amazing things, i cant find a real reason to want to be alive. i cant find a reason to fight for myself, i cant see a future where i dont off myself.

so would it be better if i just did it now, or waited until i get a bachelors, PhD, job, kids, husband, and realize i never wanted to be here in the first place? assuming i even make it there and dont fail on the way. i have less to loose now in that case.

im not sure what my problem is, and i know i need help.

all of my goals seem so far away, and so useless now. i dont think i see a point in achieving these things anymore, if i cant bring myself to enjoy it.

i hate myself to deeply. i feel so flawed, like i wasnt supposed to be alive im the first place. my life is a cruel joke, im put in an amazing position, but breakdown at the slightest failure, often for no valid reason.


i just want to be a child again, but not a child, a baby. but not even a baby, i shouldnt have been born.

i feel stuck. horribly stuck in a life that i have no attachment to, in a body that i was forced to detach from. with people that wont let me leave.

 

[lacrimosa]

It sounds like you are suffering existentially. Your life is great on paper but there are so much 'what if's' if I am understanding you correctly. You are a puppet on a string wanting to do good and dance perfectly for everyone but what about the things that matter to you? If I may... I think you need to be more selfish and instead of living for others, live for yourself. I am a constant people pleaser and this is a horrible state of being because I promise on things I can't deliver or live for others despite suffering myself immensely because I am afraid to let others down. That is why I dig holes so deep that I can't rise up from them.

Don't repeat my mistakes. Live for yourself and try to gain a sense of balance where you don't burn yourself out knowing you can't deliver on your promises.

 

[uncat_]

It sounds like you are suffering existentially. Your life is great on paper but there are so much 'what if's' if I am understanding you correctly. You are a puppet on a string wanting to do good and dance perfectly for everyone but what about the things that matter to you? If I may... I think you need to be more selfish and instead of living for others, live for yourself. I am a constant people pleaser and this is a horrible state of being because I promise on things I can't deliver or live for others despite suffering myself immensely because I am afraid to let others down. That is why I dig holes so deep that I can't rise up from them.

Don't repeat my mistakes. Live for yourself and try to gain a sense of balance where you don't burn yourself out knowing you can't deliver on your promises.

ive been called selfish, or have been told that i act selfish countless times by my parents. its hard to believe im not being selfish, even now. i do things for myself all the time, i guess youre telling me to stop feeling guilty about it though.

all the things im doing and working towards for have all been for myself, ive set these goals myself, and was honestly very excited and determined. i hope you dont think im being forced to pursue these things.

there has been a lot of childhood trauma and adolescent trauma thats led up to how i treat myself now, though.

 

[thealteredmind]

anhedonia is symptom of depression...
probably some chemicals that are working wrong...

 

[uncat_]

anhedonia is symptom of depression...
probably some chemicals that are working wrong...

lmao thats very true. ive been diagnosed with depression for a while, stopped taking my medications though a couple months ago.

 

[lacrimosa]

ive been called selfish, or have been told that i act selfish countless times by my parents. its hard to believe im not being selfish, even now. i do things for myself all the time, i guess youre telling me to stop feeling guilty about it though.

all the things im doing and working towards for have all been for myself, ive set these goals myself, and was honestly very excited and determined. i hope you dont think im being forced to pursue these things.

there has been a lot of childhood trauma and adolescent trauma thats led up to how i treat myself now, though.

Thanks for providing more context. I didn't have the full story and was going off a little half-cocked. I just don't want you to feel guilty or like you have to live for others.