Don't have many family members left. It's just me my mom and brother. We've had a lot of death and loss and stuff and I dont want to leave them alone with no support (my mom doesn't have much social support, my brother is a bit better), even though I'm miserable and I'm making them miserable as well. Love them but sometimes I wish they would just like tell me to fuck off so I could leave without worrying about them being sad
also my brain keeps trying to think about what it would be like not to exist, gets caught in a loop, and it freaks me out if I think about the actual feeling of non existence too much in a literal sense