Venting What reason is there to actually live???

[spiderwbs]

I always ask myself if there is any point in living at all. What reason out there is worth living? I can never understand why others around me want me to live. I don't have any reason at all, I wish everyone could forget me and just be happy with other people. I wish my boyfriend stayed happy on his own without me so he doesn't have to suffer with my struggling emotions, I wish my parents only had my sister instead of me, I wish my friends replaced me, I just wish I didn't exist at all. I will never be good enough, I never will be. I never make anyone happy, I never will be someone's favorite, I am no spark of joy, I feel like I'm a negative thing that just walks in and the room just becomes dark, and I ruin everything good. I have so many emotions I can't keep count of, I don't even know what to do with myself. I want to die, I want to be forgotten and buried in the underground so I will be at rest in peace, but then again, I don't wanna hurt my family or just hurt others around me and they would be mad or sad... and I would be the cause of their pain. I don't know what to do. I will be honest, I am scared of dying. I'm scared of leaving, I don't wanna sound stupid but it's true. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of losing important things and it'll just make everything worse... But I just cannot help the fact that I want to die and I'm just meant to be forgotten because I was never good enough for other people, I was never good enough for the people I care about. I'm too weak and too dumb. I'm braindead, I hurt others, and realizing the fact I even exist just brings me so much anger... I wish my parents decided to abort me 19 years ago instead of them keeping this thing around them so they don't have to be in insufferable conditions. I call myself a thing because I mean nothing, I never will.

Instead of dying, I just post things on my mind here because it helps, and I don't get in trouble for it.

The internet is only my real escape in the world. People I don't even know who are on the other side of the mf country understand.... I wish people irl understood how I feel instead of them locking me in a psych ward. Pysch wards are gross, I've been in it 3 times.

 

[R_N]

It is just trying to get a hold of things that will slip from your grasp or you from theirs.

Just for a fleeting rush you get from it.

 

[the_dude]

If you're a normal person either no issues then there are many. Wife, kids, grandkids, games, hobbies, maybe even a good work life. When you're like some of us then we have nothing and the only reason we are here is because SI and lack of access to painless and easy methods. If I could just press a button and not exist I'd press it right now.

 

[Specific_Milk]

There is no meaning to any of this is the tragic bit. People have postulated the existence of a God as a basis for meaning or that one should make one's own meaning in this life (the position of the existentialists). Philosophy aside, I also feel like a burden on ppl and I resonate with your words. But there is one thing that people like us probably unconsciously subdue and not take seriously enough. It's the fact that we are so self hating and so desperate to die that we call ourselves names, we say to ourselves we arent enough or stupid or a burden. When to the people around us, we are anything *but* those things. Extreme self criticism digs you a hole and keeps you there. We all have the right to exit but I hope you are able to see that what we say to ourselves might not be true at all (and i'd even say, is outright false for the people who love us most)

 

[carnivalforone]

you joined on my birthday (thought that was cool)

 

[missliketheletter]

not sure if this will make sense, considering I'm planning on ctb myself, but before i had a plan i would kind of just pick something while i waited for something else to come along that picked me instead.

originally it started out as "wait until i get a switch" back when it first came out, then "wait until i date someone for the first time," "wait until i see what colleges i get accepted to," "wait until i finish at least a year in art school," etc. it took about 5 years for anything to happen. it was short lived, but it worked while it lasted. obviously it's gone now and i'm worse than i was before, so i can't really muster up the energy to pick a new thing to wait for.

long story short, it all ended up meaningless for me in the end. that small amount of time, though, may have been worth waiting for. at least i can say i experienced one good thing out of my entire life. whether you want to wait for that time to come, to see if it's short, long, or lasts your whole life, if up to you. good luck with whatever you end up doing, and i'm sorry if this long-winded reply didn't help

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I have no reasons to live - neither in the present nor in the future. I have only reasons to die - both in the present and in the future. Suicide is the only solution if I want to live and die with dignity. This is the situation many people find themselves in if they live long enough. I had no reasons to die twenty years ago.

 

[Ashu]

Freud wrote, "The moment one begins to question the meaning of life, one is ill."

 

[asleep00]

If you're a normal person either no issues then there are many. Wife, kids, grandkids, games, hobbies, maybe even a good work life. When you're like some of us then we have nothing and the only reason we are here is because SI and lack of access to painless and easy methods. If I could just press a button and not exist I'd press it right now.

I think what's frustrating and scary is (maybe I'm projecting), but even with ppl like this, I can see them still struggling to find purpose in all of these things. Not that there aren't happy and fulfilled people in the world, but there just seems to be so much confusion, and the happy ones seem rare. It's so hard to somehow manage to live life fairly unscathed, and to meet the standards of "normal ppl", and yet it seems like the normal ones are still struggling to find purpose and meaning, more like they just walk into responsibilities. There's just this endless empty feeling that seems to exist underneath for so much of humanity, and we're constantly trying to run away from it.

 

[ilikemoais]

tbh i don't see any. For me the only things that are keeping me alive are the internet and games, dunno for what im waiting for finally ctb or make an actual day, who knows maybe im just afraid of the pain or lying to myself

 

[sserafim]

Personally, I don't see any for myself. Life is just a bunch of things you do (distractions) before you die. I think most people live due to it being the default mode. After all, it takes effort to die. There's also survival instinct.

I think what's frustrating and scary is (maybe I'm projecting), but even with ppl like this, I can see them still struggling to find purpose in all of these things. Not that there aren't happy and fulfilled people in the world, but there just seems to be so much confusion, and the happy ones seem rare. It's so hard to somehow manage to live life fairly unscathed, and to meet the standards of "normal ppl", and yet it seems like the normal ones are still struggling to find purpose and meaning, more like they just walk into responsibilities. There's just this endless empty feeling that seems to exist underneath for so much of humanity, and we're constantly trying to run away from it.

Yeah, that's probably why so many people are addicted to drugs and alcohol and searching for that dopamine fix. I don't think modern-day life (aka life under capitalism) is fulfilling for anybody.

 

[jackrussell]

i can't think of any reason to life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that in my case I will always see it as preferable to not exist, I certainly don't see any value in existing as a conscious being with the ability to suffer endlessly in this harmful reality.

I find it cruel when people insist that other people must continue to suffer no matter what even know it's not their existence. It's horrible how we cannot have the option to easily die in peace despite the fact that existence was so cruelly imposed on us in the first place. It's understandable just wishing to be forgotten about.