Venting What on earth am I going to do?

[nautilus]

I have to CTB because of my appearance and the fact that Im chronicall y ill with an infection I can't beat. As I am writing this, I can barely see a thing and am wracked with neuropathic pain. I feel like I lost my personality and can barely remember who I was before all this started. To mu friends who I have lost touch a bit, I used to be regarded as this deeply compassiobate, emotionally literate person who felt deeply loved by them. Now, like everything else, my relationship with most of them has become so abstracted, I have little sense of this anymore. All I can remember is the bad stuff that I thought I overcame when I turned 40 and had 2 amazing years. So, as I posted before, I caught lyme disease and jumped off a bridge, breaking my pelvis arm, leg and elbow. Chemically, a brain infection can make you prone to this... it wasnt a real attempt in that regard, if that makes sense. Anyway, the body horror is overwhelming. On top if all my scars, many of which are in an intimate area, lyme ate away at the fat in my cheek, giving me a wrinkly lopsided face and it has ruinedbmy face, damaged the veins in my legs. Etc... etc... I havr gotten to the point where I feel so gross and verwhelmed by it all , plus the disease itself, I just know life will become impossibly awful as I get older. Im 48nin a few weeks. But all I can do is pace and mumble all day every day. Its embarassing but I just cant stop it. I literally have no sense of who am or was. Im agrophobic... I feel like a freak walking down the street. Just spent 3 weeks in a psych ward which was noghtmarish. I dont see how the mumbling and pacing will ever stop. I lost all sense of the world, myself, everything. I never cry or feel emotion except anxiety like I will have a heart attack if I dont keep pacing. But I think life has me cornered. Im mot sure I can CTB. Its all too surreal and probably doesnt make sense when reading. I have wound up at my mothers... unable to talk or anything. I can only see me deteriorating. Life is so insanely randomly unfair. Im just not built mentally ro put up with this disease and all that it's caused. Ugh

 

[Snake of Eden]

i understand being in an awful spot with no indication things can get better but in the contrary.

 

[nautilus]

i understand being in an awful spot with no indication things can get better but in the contrary.

Yup.. spot on , im afraid to say.

 

[Crazy4u]

What a difficult situation to be in. This might be foolish but I hope you feel better

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to go through. It is a dreadful feeling when everything is hopeless. It can be awful being trapped in this human body. I hope you find peace.

 

[_Minsk]

Wow im really sorry for this, i totally agree with funeralcry. this life is just shit and so random, one day every thing is ok/bearable, and the next ones are a nightmare, its just horrible. I hope you find peace:/

 

[NormaJeane]

It is the politicians fault that humans suffer - all people deserve to live and die with dignity and get euthanasia - our pets are treated better than humans. There are many people on Sanctioned Suicide who do not know what to do because they can not overcome their survival instinct. The best book I have read about suicide methods is Five Last Acts. Plastic bag over the head is a method which is recommended in this book. Plastic bags are easy to get hold of and will lead to death in 30 minutes, properly done. The cause of death: lack of oxygen and carbon dioxide poisoning. Many people have committe suicide with plastic bags, read about it on Researchgate. The only way for a paralyzed person to commit suicide is to refuse food and water.

 

[LostMyWorld]

It is the politicians fault that humans suffer - all people deserve to live and die with dignity and get euthanasia - our pets are treated better than humans. There are many people on Sanctioned Suicide who do not know what to do because they can not overcome their survival instinct. The best book I have read about suicide methods is Five Last Acts. Plastic bag over the head is a method which is recommended in this book. Plastic bags are easy to get hold of and will lead to death in 30 minutes, properly done. The cause of death: lack of oxygen and carbon dioxide poisoning. Many people have committe suicide with plastic bags, read about it on Researchgate. The only way for a paralyzed person to commit suicide is to refuse food and water.

What is researchgate? I couldn't find anything. I did see a article about someone would ether in a plastic bag to opt out.