what made you finally plan to ctb?

[sad_rock]

im tired of being in a limbo period. i want to start settling down my plans after researching for so long. what propelled you to start implementing your decision?

 

[uniqueusername39]

im in limbo myself. i have the things i need, a rough draft of what i'm going to do, but no actual date. whether i'd do it this year or the next or in the far future, i have no idea. but when i decide i'm ready, i'll be ready to go.

 

[february in alaska]

I looked at how far I've come since I was first suicidal. Almost ten years of being actively or passively suicidal, self harming, living with depression and crippling anxiety, being completely miserable. I gave recovery a try, I did medication.

I guess I looked back at the last decade of my life and all the times I tried to convince myself it would get better. And I realized it's been over for a long, long time, and I didn't want to go another entire decade dragging out my suffering

 

[The Schizoid]

I personally feel like I've seen enough of life and just want to check out. I've done a lot to get better, but it hasn't worked. Inside I feel mostly empty for nearly 10 years. Been to see a professional twice, have improved lifestyle. It has helped improve the pain but I still feel like my capacity to enjoy life is extremely limited and I just feel tired of life.

I'm considering seeing one more mental health professional and getting a few more tests done, but if that doesn't work, then It's just a case of not wanting to live another 40-50 years like this.

 

[cyandude]

my suicidal thoughts started back in my early to mid teens, when I was around 13, but I never acted on it until recently, when I started taking antidepressants and gained enough vitality to create a plan and start working on making it into a reality. the reason behind me planning to CTB though, is a feeling of inherent incompatibility with this existence. because I am me, and perceive things as I do, I feel I will never be able to communicate how I truly feel effectively, and I will never be able to compensate for the work people have put into keeping me alive and wanting to give a perspective of a future for me. the feeling that life so far was all in vain and all my attempts to find a glimmer of hope will all inevitably end up with me being drowned by emotions i'm not even aware of. it's been suffocating and gradually debilitating me over the course of years, it's affected my cognitive ability, my ability to understand and reciprocate emotions, has made me psychosomatically ill and made me lose a lot in life to the point I now see myself having nothing to attach myself to to stay alive just a bit further.

 

[KenniferJames]

There is a void that I can't fill within myself. Over a decade of bulimia proves that to me every day in a literal way, but I'm not able to "keep down" anything else like contentment with family, job, money, etc. I can't meet my own needs and in failing myself I'm hurting those who love me more than I've ever been able to love myself. That's what put me to the point of planning to ctb

 

[FlyAwayHoney]

I have been suicidal almost my whole life, but I think I've only ever planned it out one time. Wrote out notes, gave away possessions, etc. It didn't end up working out though. Then I found this website and ordered SN back in 2019, and I kept it for a year or two to have the option around. (I don't have it anymore, unfortunately) I know I'm going to CTB at some point, but I'm not sure when that will be. I know I will just do it one day, with whatever my options around me are.

I guess if I could pinpoint an exact period, it would be around the date of a certain birthday of mine. This birthday was surreal for me because I never thought I would make it to that age. I used to tell myself that if I still felt the same way about life by that birthday, then I would end things. This was a few birthdays ago, and I am still here, still feeling the same way. It was that birthday though that I think I fully accepted I would not be okay in life, and that things wouldn't change. I made peace with CTB then. Whenever I actually do it is another story.

 

[turbomightbegone]

I'm still kind of hesitant on whenever I should actually start planning to cbt (due to many moodswings), but ever since I was young, I've been pressured about my art by my entire family, pressuring me that it was the only thing I was good for and making me believe that it was my only point of living, which basically crushed any dream I had. They forced me and driven me to the point where I've gotten seriously mentally and physically sick several times and they dont seem to care. They've also managed to get several fake criminal charges due to their success in getting me to snap and lash out at them, and they just wont leave me alone.

Ive had internet access at a very young age and ended up getting into a drama that almost made a friend of mine cbt on live due to pressure, which only stressed me out more and made me more mentally and physically sick due to all the graphic content I had to deal with as a kid.

Ive been avoiding about thinking of cbt, but my mental state has been driven so low that I cannot just avoid it anymore. I can barely even interact with anyone anymore, I always have thoughts about killing everyone and setting everything on fire, and I cant even do what everyone requests me to do anymore thanks to my family crushing my only goddamn dream and motivation. I know that I'm mentally unwell and that I have a disorder of some sort but I can't get a diagnosis due to family-related reasons. I'm just so sick and tired of everything and I just want to fall asleep forever and never wake up ever again. This fucking sucks.

(sorry for the massive dump, I'm just really tired and iffy right now)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

When it was clear after a big failure in life a few years ago. I decided that CTB is the only option to prevent me from further suffering and further decline. I decided for my method, but did not actually plan to do it bc there was always some hope left but in the end everything failed to rescue the sinking ship. CTB would have saved me from so much more suffering until now. When I registered here all hope was gone, I fell into a deep hole, I had my stuff ready to CTB when I registered here in May. I'm still ready with my stuff to leave this world but things aren't worse enough, obviously. It's still difficult, my stuff is there to leave this world.

 

[Neogoloid]

I'm tired of being ugly and short, no one cares about ugly and short men, and women don't want me. I am still a virgin. Also I live in borderline poverty and I don't have the brain power to do anything worth while so I'll never have a decent amount of money. I'll never have a life of luxury and pleasure.

 

[willowisnotpillow]

people keep disappearing from my life when i tell them im trans (people cant really tell by looking at me, i look and sound like any other woman)
but as soon as i tell them i used to be a boy they just get this hatred for me over time and leave me
this and i will never get the body that i want, im forever cursed to be a freak of nature instead of a normal woman

 

[letmeoutofthis]

physical and mental ubearable pain, I just cant take it anymore

 

[nobody11]

If you dont have money you leave the store

 

[Abyssal]

I got my first job and realized I couldn't just try hard and succeed. I was a failure and my boss hates me. When I told people about it and asked for advice I was told "that's every job" so….I don't really want to live. The source of my pain is inescapable unless I die.

 

[straydog]

I'm an alcoholic. I want to get and stay sober so badly yet I can't go more than a day without getting blackout drunk. I've somehow managed to keep my life from completely falling apart, I appear pretty successful on the outside, but every day is a battle that I lose more often than not. I haven't given up on recovery but I also feel I need a secure way out if there comes a time where I just can't keep fighting.

 

[Unattainable666]

Bad decisions. Trusting the wrong people
Bad decisions. Trusting the wrong people
Bad decisions. Trusting the wrong people
Bad decisions. Trusting the wrong people