I currently am in grad school living in an apartment in a large city in the US. I am planning on using a firearm. Im considering CTB location based on who will find my body. I dont want to do my apartment bc it would be even sadder for my parents to collect my things knowing I ended my life in the same place. Plus there is a high likelihood other students living in my complex might be around. I dont want to CTB in my car bc my parents will need every last bit of money and it would be much harder selling the car if I make a mess in it. I am considering some cheap motel or by the river walking path. The con of the motel would be the poor housekeeper finding my body. The con of the river walking path is that I have less control over who will find me. There is a section that is closed off due to construction, so it would probably be quiet at night and a construction worker would probably find me. If I CTB near a wooded area by the path its a tossup of a homeless person or early morning walker/jogger. Maybe I will drive to a forest? Idk. My parents over 1000 miles away. Maybe I take a trip and CTB close to them so they dont have to travel to find my body? Do guys have any suggestions for location? Do you guys have your own location in mind?
needthebus
Student
- Apr 29, 2024
- 109
as someone who got depressed during advanced studies and saw a fellow student end it, couldn't you take a semester or year off? travel?
I can't get too much into the specifics but this degree is used for applications for the next and final step before an actual career and I know that these rumors have been reported to the administration and they would be obligated to report it on my application if they see validity in doing so, and the severity of these rumors would effectively blacklist my application. My program is multiple years so I would still be around all the same students. Taking time off is also looked upon very negatively.
soonatpeace777888
Specialist
- Jul 4, 2023
- 348
Why is taking time off looked on so negatively? What country are you from if I may ask?
USA. I mean if you have a legit reason, its not the worst, just another year of more debt. However, It wouldn't help with the rumors at my school since my cohort would still be there as well as my standing with administration.
needthebus
Student
- Apr 29, 2024
- 109
Im wondering what it is. If the rumors aren't true, lawyer up and hire a PR person and go on the offensive: be public about your denial.
if the rumors are true can u do anything else?
this seems like a reaction to a horrible situation that may seem less bad in a few months rather than chronic sadness...
if the rumors are true can u do anything else?
this seems like a reaction to a horrible situation that may seem less bad in a few months rather than chronic sadness...
Last edited:
The rumors are basically accusations that someone outside of school spread. I cant get into it, but there is a gross exaggeration of my actions and the truth is nowhere near enough for me to be labeled how I currently am and affect my life and career.
The situation is difficult because the way I know the rumors have spread is that students have been hinting at me without actually directly addressing the accusations. I ran into one of the administrators (who I never met before) and they made an offhand comment that struck me as odd but made me realize they were hinting at it as well. Thus, I have no way of addressing these rumors as I haven't been directly addressed by anyone. The only way I can make any action is if I get formally cited/summoned by administration.
Unfortunately I wont know the true outcome until I get formally addressed or I find out at near the end of my program which is still a few years away. The paranoia and anxiety of such serious consequences is difficult to bear, and it might have to be like this for a while, so I don't know if I can survive.
I really appreciate your concern and trying to help me.
Last edited:
Please!! reconsider this! What you are going through is a lot and I am not downplaying that but this WILL pass. I say this as a mother who has a son your age. No matter what this is or the consequences on your career, it's not worth doing this. You can move on from this. I've faced similar things before. Not trying to minimize you but give you perspective. Even if you have a career change, IT WILL be ok and may even be a good turning point for you.
Thank you for the concern. However, I have too much debt from undergrad and this degree. There is no feasible way to pay it back besides the intended career for this degree. My parents have sacrificed so much to help pay and the debt will sink them as well. If I die, most of the debt will be forgiven. I will only CTB once I find out if I have a chance at my career or not. Unfortunately, it's the only way.
No it's not the only way. Give it more time. I promise. Your parents would much rather "sink" than lose you, I promise you that! Just give it more time.
Im trying but the paranoia and anxiety is killing me and there's nothing I can do but keep trying to study, but its so hard.
I know!! Keep pushing through though. You have to tell yourself it doesn't matter, in the scheme of life, what they think doesn't matter and that no matter what, it's gonna work out. Cause it will!! Try to get in with a therapist maybe, if you can't talk about all this with someone else. But do NOT be roped into taking meds... sorry but you can make your situation much worse with that. You can do this!! Don't give up. Don't give in for something like this. It's gonna pass. Even if it doesn't turn out how you would like.
needthebus
Student
- Apr 29, 2024
- 109
I know I sound pessimistic but theres no way I can clear my mind with how serious my situation is. I dont even know how to begin. As soon as I begin to rationalize everything its clear there is only one way out and I start spiraling
needthebus
Student
- Apr 29, 2024
- 109
there is something called disability discharge for student loans. you could take a year off or keep going, but if things dont work out and you are too depressed to work or do anything, the debt can be dealt with
take a year off and do something related to your field after addressing your anxiety. you can tell others later you had to care for a person in your family who had a medial problem. or keep going but know its okay to take time off if u need to
i know you feel awful, but this sounds situational and you maybe happy 5 years from now
Last edited:
Thank you for the advice. I think I can only keep going, and maybe look into taking a year off after I complete this year. It would be hard for me mentally to work this hard so far and then repeat what I did over again. Yes its very situational but this situation in my eyes could last for years. Ive never had people I dont know hate me before. It hurts a lot.
Thank you for the kind words. My reason is situational, so I will know whether I have to ctb in a few weeks/months. I think I will choose to go to a motel and write a warning note on the bathroom door. If I have the effort, I might make the drive from the Midwest to the East Coast where my parents live and book a motel there. It will be easier for my parents to collect my body. Too many variables can happen if I ctb outside somewhere.
