bl33ding_heart
Borderline
- Jun 24, 2025
- 165
Living with bpd is like the literal mental equivalent of hell. It's a never ending loop of suffering that no amount of therapy will get you out of. No matter how hard you work to better yourself, you will always end up back at square one. You will always end up being that crying and hurting soul begging for it to stop. Learning to deal with your emotions only benefits your loved ones and the people around you. Not you. You will still be feeling the pain of all of your deep and intense emotions no matter how hard you try to hide or suppress it. We have to deal with a constant turmoil of pain and suffering and on top of that cause other people pain and suffering due to our symptoms. It's like a slow and painful mental cancer slowly burning away at our ability to even keep existing. No one besides other people with bpd will ever be able to truly understand how painful and excruciating it feels. They will demonise and look down upon us, but could never even begin to understand the constant roller coaster of emotions we go through. Personally, I'm most symptomatic when I'm in a relationship/have a favourite person. And just avoiding dating altogether seems like the solution to that. But without being in love and being loved my life feels utterly worthless. I feel a strong sense of depression and deep emptiness all the way to my core that can only be fulfilled by the thrill of love. Without love in my life I feel so disgustingly empty and pointless it's hard fighting the urge to just kill myself. The only thing that gives me a reason to live drives my symptoms to an all time high, and steering away from it will make me wanna die even more. There's really no winning here no matter how I look at it. The only reason I'm still alive is cus I can't stop deluding myself into thinking it can get better. I never got to.live the happy and peaceful life I've always wanted, and losing that opportunity terrifies me way more then death ever could. If I felt that there was absolutely zero room improvement and happiness I would easily be able to kill myself without hesitation. Infact I probably would of done so long ago. But that delusion keeps me alive. And keeps me suffering even more.
