That I'll wake up tomorrow and basically do the same boring routine over and over again until death so YAY.
How fucked 2020 has been and it's not even close to being over. This year has been the worst year of my fucking life and that's saying a lot.
That if I keep living sooner or later I'm gonna experience another death in my family which I can't fucking handle. Grief is sometimes the most fucked up aspect of living imo. Even the thought that we'll never see our only loved ones ever again is just too fucking depressing to fully accept.
The sheer loneliness that'll always be with us as it's part of the human condition. I dread the fact of experiencing it for years to come let alone decades. And the most fucked up thing about it is we can't control it and even if we're around people or loved ones it won't fully go away.
Hell speaking of having no control, the fact we don't have any control over our lives well maybe besides suicide and/or how we react to the things that are out of our control.
How we have no actual 'freedom' in life as basically everything is a layer of a prison from our biology, to family, society, governments, the earth, the universe itself, etc. Even death in a way is a prison we can't get out of.
How tiring it is for myself atleast trying to find something or atleast to focus on due to mental health reasons that doesn't have death and suffering in it. Hell at this point looking at the sky is the only thing I can come up with.
Jumping on what you said about questioning existence., just how inexplicable and senseless it all is. And no matter how hard we question we're never going to get any answers and even if we did I believe it wouldn't satisfy us enough. Like what even is existence and what is it about if anything? Again unanswerable.
The sheer pointlessness of life. Literally we can die at any moment and that'll be that, which I'm okay with btw : ), but it just makes living feel like such a chore that doesn't even need to happen especially if we're going to be dead forever or didn't even exist to begin with before being born basically forever. My point being is that whether we die now or later the end point is the same as if we were never born at all. And to think we'll forget literally everything as soon as we die so wtf was the point? I know it's pointless asking what's the point but still. It literally is just so fucking mind boggling like why isn't nonexistence default state of things or whatever? So nothing —-> existing —-> nothing like wtf?
Hell what in the fuck is nonexistence? Sure sounds peaceful and I want it, but it also feels just as uncontrollable and senseless as existence is. If I'm not making any sense again it's just so indescribable it's not like I've read these feelings or thoughts on the subject ever before.
Why are things the way they are and not another way? What mechanism dictates all this? Why does suffering happen more than good things happening? Why is suffering guaranteed whereas good things aren't? Why did universe force us out of the void to be part of something we never had any say to be apart of?
What if death isn't the end? What if on the small possibility that heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc. actually exists? What if something else entirely completely unknown and indescribable exists? What if the 'Egg Theory' exists which is basically where we're everyone and we live every single life form that has existed, exists now, and will exist in the future and if it exists what ? What if Eternal Reoccurrence happens which is where we are born into the same lives we're living now and will live over again and again and again possibly forever? Whatever the case I just hope we could somehow opt out of any of this bullshit.
I could go on and on. Fuck I hope I don't get into another existential crisis over this and sorry if I gave you one too.
