Venting What is this feeling?

[samishii]

Lately, I've been feeling wierd, not happy, not sad, not even numb. Idk what I feel, but I am feeling something. Idk why but I feel like I can hang on just a bit longer.

As far as I can remember, this was a result of the following-
One day while having a conversation with someone I think is a friend about cars (the only thing I have loved since I was 4) and I said- " I would rather drive a car with engines for some time and die rather than live longer and drive electric bullshitry." And they replied knowing that I have attempted in the past- "The people who actually wanna die, do it. They don't go around saying they want to or they will."

It hurt. Felt like a fool to share my feelings in the first place. Like was he trying to challenge me or sth? But still, I pretend to take it as a joke and laughed. But inside, I started to hate myself even more, for oversharing. I was internalising amd blaming myself for everything that has ever happed to me, to others, for all my emotions.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's best to not talk about suicide with others. Many people will never really be able to understand as they are not in a similar situation themselves. People can really want to die yet still be here as suicide can be very difficult, methods can fail and many of us have limited access of ways to ctb, that person sounds insensitive. Best wishes.

 

[Helheim]

It seems to me your statement was more about your preference in cars than about wanting to die. And your friends comment was just incredibly inappropriate, especially to someone who has attempted. Please don't blame yourself, except maybe for your bad taste in friends.

 

[universe]

Lately, I've been feeling wierd, not happy, not sad, not even numb. Idk what I feel, but I am feeling something. Idk why but I feel like I can hang on just a bit longer.

As far as I can remember, this was a result of the following-
One day while having a conversation with someone I think is a friend about cars (the only thing I have loved since I was 4) and I said- " I would rather drive a car with engines for some time and die rather than live longer and drive electric bullshitry." And they replied knowing that I have attempted in the past- "The people who actually wanna die, do it. They don't go around saying they want to or they will."

It hurt. Felt like a fool to share my feelings in the first place. Like was he trying to challenge me or sth? But still, I pretend to take it as a joke and laughed. But inside, I started to hate myself even more, for oversharing. I was internalising amd blaming myself for everything that has ever happed to me, to others, for all my emotions.

View attachment 97171

It's very common. Like you, I said very seriously that I wanted CTB to a person, and a few days later, they started making plans with me for several decades. While deep down I thought I would never be alive for this. And I thought he forgot or something but no. He must have thought I was just saying that for fun, or that I didn't really want to die when I was very serious about the CTB. Many people are unable to hear and grasp the death wish. It goes against all the foundations of our societies: life is a miracle, the human being is fabulous, he is the supreme being on earth, living is incredible, death is the greatest drama... Pro-life ideas are the foundation of any society I feel. Only anti-abortion people are particularly visible in the media and show this ideology, but basically it is everywhere. It is not decrypted because acquired. Not questioning life is normal for society.

 

[samishii]

I think that it's best to not talk about suicide with others.

Although I learnt this recently, I only told him about this because he is the closest person to me here and he told me he had a past where he struggled with depression for an year, had even attempted cutting. I had noticed the scar when I saw him, but didn't say anything. Lateron he did tell me about it when drunk.

Many people will never really be able to understand as they are not in a similar situation themselves.

I agree, nobody can really understand someone just because there are some things that only one know about and not the other

People can really want to die yet still be here as suicide can be very difficult, methods can fail and many of us have limited access of ways to ctb,

that person sounds insensitive. Best wishes.

Tbh, he is not insensitive, idk maybe he did actually said it as a joke. He is really reliable, he always helps, even listens to me when I get drunk and my naive oversharing self takes over with the sob stories. Idk I really like his company. Maybe it's just my lonely side talking with the fear of not having anybody else near me.

P.S.- Sorry if I sound weird, it's just my mind overthinking and flooding with self contradictory thoughts. Idk wtf is wrong with me.

It seems to me your statement was more about your preference in cars than about wanting to die. And your friends comment was just incredibly inappropriate, especially to someone who has attempted. Please don't blame yourself, except maybe for your bad taste in friends.

My bad, I think I painted the wrong picture of him in your minds, read the previous reply for clarification.
Even otherwise, I don't really have a choice in making friends. I am not a very fun person to be around, I am unfunny, I like to spread my knowledge - which people aren't really looking for, I am an introvert, and my anxiety has kept on worsening over time.
Overall, I have pretty effed up personality.

 

[bloos]

If he was being serious, I think he doesn't understand how much someone can want to ctb but still have to overcome barriers- I mean ctbing is a big big deal. Theres SI, other people to worry about, reliability of methods, letters, so much to think and worry about even if you are commited to ctb and think about it all the time. At least thats my experience :)

 

[samishii]

If he was being serious, I think he doesn't understand how much someone can want to ctb but still have to overcome barriers- I mean ctbing is a big big deal. Theres SI, other people to worry about, reliability of methods, letters, so much to think and worry about even if you are commited to ctb and think about it all the time. At least thats my experience :)

Ykw, this is probably what I felt, just couldn't put it into words in front of him. Well said