what is happening to me (please help)

[user667]

so i was supposed to ctb with SN last night. obviously i didn't do it. i have been suicidal for years and have thought about it a lot i have tried before and have always been sure i wanted to die. i wasn't unsure or anything, and i never even considered that this could end in any other way other than my suicide. but the past week i knew i was gonna do it on friday and i got increasingly anxious but like sooo anxious. like i my chest hurts and i feel like i'm going to throw up from anxiety and anytime i think about dying i almost have a panic attack. it feels like i am scared of dying or unsure about dying, but that makes no sense because i have been sure about dying and wanted it for so long. is this normal?? is it just survival instinct?? or do i not really want to do it/ i'm not ready yet?? i keep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. like i think "i'll never wake up again EVER" and then i'm like "yeah that's literally the whole point that's what i wanted so why is it scaring me now". i can't calm down or think about it rationally. if i could i'm sure i would like know this is the right choice because of all the reasons i have but for some reason i am sooo freaked out. the times i have tried before have all been relatively impulsive or not planned out as well so i'm worried that maybe that's the only way ill be able to do it?? but it's permanent so i CANT make a mistake. pls help i'm so so worried

 

[SpottedPanda]

Maybe it's a good idea to take some time, do some soul searching, and figure out how you really feel, and what you truly want.

 

[SNOB]

Yeman take a break. Don't put pressure on yourself

 

[FreddieQuell]

so i was supposed to ctb with SN last night. obviously i didn't do it. i have been suicidal for years and have thought about it a lot i have tried before and have always been sure i wanted to die. i wasn't unsure or anything, and i never even considered that this could end in any other way other than my suicide. but the past week i knew i was gonna do it on friday and i got increasingly anxious but like sooo anxious. like i my chest hurts and i feel like i'm going to throw up from anxiety and anytime i think about dying i almost have a panic attack. it feels like i am scared of dying or unsure about dying, but that makes no sense because i have been sure about dying and wanted it for so long. is this normal?? is it just survival instinct?? or do i not really want to do it/ i'm not ready yet?? i keep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. like i think "i'll never wake up again EVER" and then i'm like "yeah that's literally the whole point that's what i wanted so why is it scaring me now". i can't calm down or think about it rationally. if i could i'm sure i would like know this is the right choice because of all the reasons i have but for some reason i am sooo freaked out. the times i have tried before have all been relatively impulsive or not planned out as well so i'm worried that maybe that's the only way ill be able to do it?? but it's permanent so i CANT make a mistake. pls help i'm so so worried

Take a breath. Your situation has shifted suddenly. From being suicidal for years - apparently without an exit method you felt comfortable with - to having the means to CTB at a time of your choosing.

It sounds like you are imposing on yourself that now you have to means you have to CTB as soon as possible or on some predetermined day. Now you have the means, you have the comfort of knowing there's an exit. That can be a comforting thought. And when it's over it's over, do a couple of days, a couple of weeks or a couple of months really matter?

 

[Living sucks]

When you know the method is certainly going to work, it makes it real.
you are now faced with "reality" not just a "possibility" . It's not reversible.. of course you're now panicked about it.

 

[JoeFailure]

I was where you were last year...I'm not saying that from a "you can do it and live!" standpoint because I don't know your story...but there were times when I literally thought I couldn't go on another second. I had my means to CTB a few feet away from me for months and I can relate to that horrible feeling of wanting it so bad but also being so worried about death that I just felt like I was in an inescapable hell. I still get some strong bouts of that.

Some of the things that helped me at least get through those super intense times were CBD oil, weed, klonopin, breathing exercises like the Wim Hof method, exercise, sports. Klonopin is a benzo so be very careful about that, I really rationed myself on it for just the absolute worst times but honestly it might have saved my life (not totally sure yet if that was a good thing). I don't know if any of those are an option for you and everyone's different, but they have helped in different ways get me through a year, which I definitely didn't think was possible at the time. It's interesting because now I'm not afraid of death anymore, whereas I was petrified about it last year.

Also just know that you don't have to rush this. I've seen a lot of final messages from people here who say they actually feel at peace with it, maybe that's when you really know?

People are here for you too, just know that too for however it can possibly alleviate some of this for you.

 

[Evermore]

Honestly I feel the same, thinking about dying gives me a lot of anxiety but it's because of fear of the unknown . I really do want to end my life but I worry about what dying might feel like, what happens after I die, is there an afterlife? , how will my family cope? etc . Just take some time to make sure you're making the right decision. A little fear is fine but if you're having second doubts maybe hold off for a while . You have SN so you can CTB any time you like or maybe SN isn't the right method for you. At the end of the day the decision is entirely yours. Whatever you decide I really do wish you luck and peace

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I was where you were last year...I'm not saying that from a "you can do it and live!" standpoint because I don't know your story...but there were times when I literally thought I couldn't go on another second. I had my means to CTB a few feet away from me for months and I can relate to that horrible feeling of wanting it so bad but also being so worried about death that I just felt like I was in an inescapable hell. I still get some strong bouts of that.

Some of the things that helped me at least get through those super intense times were CBD oil, weed, klonopin, breathing exercises like the Wim Hof method, exercise, sports. Klonopin is a benzo so be very careful about that, I really rationed myself on it for just the absolute worst times but honestly it might have saved my life (not totally sure yet if that was a good thing). I don't know if any of those are an option for you and everyone's different, but they have helped in different ways get me through a year, which I definitely didn't think was possible at the time. It's interesting because now I'm not afraid of death anymore, whereas I was petrified about it last year.

Also just know that you don't have to rush this. I've seen a lot of final messages from people here who say they actually feel at peace with it, maybe that's when you really know?

People are here for you too, just know that too for however it can possibly alleviate some of this for you.

I'm glad you found your peace.

Just a note though: weed and other psychedelics can trigger mental health issues in those predisposed. I now have drug induced schizophrenia due to casually smoking weed. I was once a thriving 30-something. Now I feel like I can't die soon enough.

 

[Heart Shards]

You have a lifetime to make a decision. Think about it, reflect, and think of what you need. If its death, it's respectable. If life, It's still respectable.