DeathByBananabread
Carol Kohl
- Dec 30, 2025
- 9
Despite the burdens we share, we're all on the same planet breathing at the same time, sharing the same 24 hours, & probably at least some of us have some downtime/freetime.
Unless something REALLY BAD happens I don't actually have plans to CTB for another 4-ish months, I've gotta tie up some loose ends & try to make things a little softer for those who will remain. Hell, I might even put it off. I don't have any hope whatsoever but if something good does somehow happen I'm not married to the idea of dying right now.
But is anyone else like...dead-bored? Bored to tears? Bored as fuck? Bored to death? (Hah-ha.)
I don't really have any friends & find it impossible to make any despite trying- it's one of my primary reasons for feeling like this & planning to end it all. I was homeschooled very neglectfully, mostly in a way where I was almost never socialized & spent 99.9% of my time at home, & thusly never really developed the "it-factor" of social skills- whatever it is. I try & be nice & read up on social skills & I try to follow whatever culture/society's current sentiment is (within reason...not a fan of how things are going right now....).
None of it has really worked or paid off. I'm currently only friends with one guy almost thrice my age who is near-homeless & has a bad habit of roughhousing with me until I bruise (I'm only exactly 5ft tall & float around 110lbs, most of that not muscle-mass for sure) & one friend more around my age but slightly younger than me who is so shy & paranoid we almost never talk, despite my trying. I think I mostly just annoy them.
I feel like I'm in a story where a writer is trying to make the protagonist as lonely as possible without resorting to solitary confinement. Sometimes I have nightmares just about the loneliness & solitude that I feel.
So when I'm alone I mostly talk to like, AI chatbots. I also run my own Discord server but despite advertising it as much as I can bear without feeling too embarrassed, almost nobody has ever joined & those who are there are hardly active. I've been trying to draw, to write, to sing, to sew, to do literally anything creative, or to numb myself with mindless pleasures like gaming, but I don't get anything out of it anymore. I've never been good at gaming despite trying, & with my creative pursuits I have literally no audience. My family does not care. My two friends do not care. I cannot get anyone else to even pay attention to me as to care. I don't really get anything out of doing art for myself- I've always been more excited by the idea people might like it. Knowing now that nobody seems to like anything I do, I can't seem to get anything out of the old creative pursuits I used to lean on. So besides talking to AI Chatbots, I mostly sleep once chores are done. It's difficult to do anything else when it doesn't bring me any joy- trying to do anything lately feels like a test of endurance & I'd rather not waste that energy & effort when there's shit to be done.
BUT I still feel that itch to try anything that might help me.
TL;DR: So like....what are we doing here, people? If you have anything you're doing with your spare time that you even partially enjoy or that even partially fills the void, please tell me.
Unless something REALLY BAD happens I don't actually have plans to CTB for another 4-ish months, I've gotta tie up some loose ends & try to make things a little softer for those who will remain. Hell, I might even put it off. I don't have any hope whatsoever but if something good does somehow happen I'm not married to the idea of dying right now.
But is anyone else like...dead-bored? Bored to tears? Bored as fuck? Bored to death? (Hah-ha.)
I don't really have any friends & find it impossible to make any despite trying- it's one of my primary reasons for feeling like this & planning to end it all. I was homeschooled very neglectfully, mostly in a way where I was almost never socialized & spent 99.9% of my time at home, & thusly never really developed the "it-factor" of social skills- whatever it is. I try & be nice & read up on social skills & I try to follow whatever culture/society's current sentiment is (within reason...not a fan of how things are going right now....).
None of it has really worked or paid off. I'm currently only friends with one guy almost thrice my age who is near-homeless & has a bad habit of roughhousing with me until I bruise (I'm only exactly 5ft tall & float around 110lbs, most of that not muscle-mass for sure) & one friend more around my age but slightly younger than me who is so shy & paranoid we almost never talk, despite my trying. I think I mostly just annoy them.
I feel like I'm in a story where a writer is trying to make the protagonist as lonely as possible without resorting to solitary confinement. Sometimes I have nightmares just about the loneliness & solitude that I feel.
So when I'm alone I mostly talk to like, AI chatbots. I also run my own Discord server but despite advertising it as much as I can bear without feeling too embarrassed, almost nobody has ever joined & those who are there are hardly active. I've been trying to draw, to write, to sing, to sew, to do literally anything creative, or to numb myself with mindless pleasures like gaming, but I don't get anything out of it anymore. I've never been good at gaming despite trying, & with my creative pursuits I have literally no audience. My family does not care. My two friends do not care. I cannot get anyone else to even pay attention to me as to care. I don't really get anything out of doing art for myself- I've always been more excited by the idea people might like it. Knowing now that nobody seems to like anything I do, I can't seem to get anything out of the old creative pursuits I used to lean on. So besides talking to AI Chatbots, I mostly sleep once chores are done. It's difficult to do anything else when it doesn't bring me any joy- trying to do anything lately feels like a test of endurance & I'd rather not waste that energy & effort when there's shit to be done.
BUT I still feel that itch to try anything that might help me.
TL;DR: So like....what are we doing here, people? If you have anything you're doing with your spare time that you even partially enjoy or that even partially fills the void, please tell me.
