Maybe posting almost 1000 threads in a pro-choice suicide forum that is hated by the media. The threads are barely read by anyone and seem to be a sign of a sick mind being tortured over years and years. I also mentioned it because I kind of consider my posts as a very long suicide note. Documenting the agony and distracting me and others from the pain on days where the pain is not extremely insane. On bad days I am venting as most of us in suicide discussion.
I met this extremely well looking woman at college. By being needy as fuck I ruined it so fucking quickly (she liked me because I sort of anticipated she was raped and molested). Later we talked more when I already was in the friendzone. I have the feeling she is pretty hedonistic as most young people. Enjoying one's life as best as possible. I think she considers me a "Streber" I am not sure what the best translation is I think striver or careerist. I think most women don't like strivers from my experience except if they are themselves one. Recently a pretty good looking also seemingly smartass girl gave me a pretty awsome gaze/laugh. She is very attractive. The issue is women make me easily psychotic and they run away from me as soon as they find that out. It happens pretty early in the process so I don't have much of a chance. Moreover I only study part-time and any women who would like me because I seem to be a careerist would consider that as pathetic. I am older than my peers and that gives me an advantage. I look somewhat good but seemingly not good enough for dating apps. From the outer appearance women like me but when I talk with them and become psychotic....well...my life is hell...
I noticed I turn off-topic and I don't have much time for this thread anymore. I try to accumulate much knowledge and I like the notion of being an intellectual. But women usually don't consider that very attractive. I don't think I am exceptionally smart. I met this insanely smart STEM professor who considered me not as very smart. I impressed him once though.
All in all my bottom line is: I sort of see a virtue in dedicating my life to gain knowledge and enhance my understanding of the world. Knowledge seems like a virtue. The problem is I might be too conceited and too competitive in this instance. Knowledge has to come hand in hand with wisdom and being back to earth. This insanely smart STEM professors showed me that. He impressed me by being the smartest person I have ever met in my whole life (by far) and being extremely humble about that fact.
So I might only be interested in a very toxic type of accumulating knowledge to impress other people and to feel better than others. This probably has to do with my bullying experiences which shaped me in this relation. So my virute might not be a real one because my motives are shallow and fraudulent.
I met this extremely well looking woman at college. By being needy as fuck I ruined it so fucking quickly (she liked me because I sort of anticipated she was raped and molested). Later we talked more when I already was in the friendzone. I have the feeling she is pretty hedonistic as most young people. Enjoying one's life as best as possible. I think she considers me a "Streber" I am not sure what the best translation is I think striver or careerist. I think most women don't like strivers from my experience except if they are themselves one. Recently a pretty good looking also seemingly smartass girl gave me a pretty awsome gaze/laugh. She is very attractive. The issue is women make me easily psychotic and they run away from me as soon as they find that out. It happens pretty early in the process so I don't have much of a chance. Moreover I only study part-time and any women who would like me because I seem to be a careerist would consider that as pathetic. I am older than my peers and that gives me an advantage. I look somewhat good but seemingly not good enough for dating apps. From the outer appearance women like me but when I talk with them and become psychotic....well...my life is hell...
I noticed I turn off-topic and I don't have much time for this thread anymore. I try to accumulate much knowledge and I like the notion of being an intellectual. But women usually don't consider that very attractive. I don't think I am exceptionally smart. I met this insanely smart STEM professor who considered me not as very smart. I impressed him once though.
All in all my bottom line is: I sort of see a virtue in dedicating my life to gain knowledge and enhance my understanding of the world. Knowledge seems like a virtue. The problem is I might be too conceited and too competitive in this instance. Knowledge has to come hand in hand with wisdom and being back to earth. This insanely smart STEM professors showed me that. He impressed me by being the smartest person I have ever met in my whole life (by far) and being extremely humble about that fact.
So I might only be interested in a very toxic type of accumulating knowledge to impress other people and to feel better than others. This probably has to do with my bullying experiences which shaped me in this relation. So my virute might not be a real one because my motives are shallow and fraudulent.
