What if..

[Misantrope]

What if even without having major problems in my life, I don't want to go on with it?

I'm not ungrateful! I'm grateful of everything I have, yeh it could be the way worse.. but that doesn't exclude the fact that I don't find enjoyment in anything at all. I don't have any hobbies, I don't even like watching movies or playing video games, I don't like spending time with people, I no longer love reading (Sometimes I can't even make sense of the sentences I'm reading, my short term memory has deteriorated.),music no longer gives me solace or any kind of comfort. It's like I'm totally apathetic towards life..

But I always think that I'm not good enough, not adequate enough, not qualified enough and that low self esteem steals(stole) all the possibilities I've had. And I've had plenty of them in my life.
Right now I'm sure of only one thing, that I suck at everything and trust me that's my objective estimation. ... I wish I could follow a path, to imrpove myself but I'm unable to do it.

Please don't waste your time in replying that "you are sorry that I feel that away", that kind of proclamation does no good for me but on the contrary causes an irritation.

I'm just tired..Too tired, but I guess I'm not ready to CTB at this moment, since I can't organize or prepare my "passing". I'm just a walking corpse.

Why do I imply all of this in front of some strangers? It doesn't make sense.. I guess I just want to vent and to know that I'm not all alone.. That there are people like me.
'

 

[WornOutLife]

Venting is okay. It helps lots.

Well, I'll go straight to the point: one of the reasons that made me extremely suicidal and had a failed attempt last year was my lack of motivation for living and lack of enjoyment of things.

Just like you, I was grateful for everything I had. I don't even have a physical illness, just bipolar disorder but...

I had no hobbies, distanced from my friends and family, didn't wanna read or watch any shows and just ended up in bed every day.

How did I start to feel better? Well, there are millions of things to do. You say you can't enjoy anything but trust me, there has to be something. The thing is, can you find it?

Nowadays, I'm still suicidal but my hobbies (even my job is one of them) are helping me to live on.

Wish you the best and hope you can find some motivation somewhere.

 

[Spiral]

What if even without having major problems in my life, I don't want to go on with it?

I'm not ungrateful! I'm grateful of everything I have, yeh it could be the way worse.. but that doesn't exclude the fact that I don't find enjoyment in anything at all. I don't have any hobbies, I don't even like watching movies or playing video games, I don't like spending time with people, I no longer love reading (Sometimes I can't even make sense of the sentences I'm reading, my short term memory has deteriorated.),music no longer gives me solace or any kind of comfort. It's like I'm totally apathetic towards life..

But I always think that I'm not good enough, not adequate enough, not qualified enough and that low self esteem steals(stole) all the possibilities I've had. And I've had plenty of them in my life.
Right now I'm sure of only one thing, that I suck at everything and trust me that's my objective estimation. ... I wish I could follow a path, to imrpove myself but I'm unable to do it.

Please don't waste your time in replying that "you are sorry that I feel that away", that kind of proclamation does no good for me but on the contrary causes an irritation.

I'm just tired..Too tired, but I guess I'm not ready to CTB at this moment, since I can't organize or prepare my "passing". I'm just a walking corpse.

Why do I imply all of this in front of some strangers? It doesn't make sense.. I guess I just want to vent and to know that I'm not all alone.. That there are people like me.
'

Have you seen the doctor about this? You have all the symptoms of depression. If you didn't already try it then perhaps see your GP and see If medication helps? I am about to start meds for my mental health problems too, I don't think it will make me happy but I feel like I should at least try it before I Ctb and if like you said you don't feel that Ctb is the answer for you then getting some mental health support is worth a try :)

 

[Misantrope]

How did I start to feel better? Well, there are millions of things to do. You say you can't enjoy anything but trust me, there

I doubt that I have capabilities for that.

Have you seen the doctor about this? You have all the symptoms of depression. If you didn't already try it then perhaps see your GP and see If medication helps? I am about to start meds for my mental health problems too, I don't think it will make me happy but I feel like I should at least try it before I Ctb and if like you said you don't feel that Ctb is the answer for you then getting some mental health support is worth a try :)

I've had an appointment and it has been about 2 months since I'm being medicated by SRRI. The improvement I feel is that I no longer cry my eyes out on the thought that I'm completely worthless.. Now I fully comprehend it, but still can't accept, so this void and self hatred has no end... Besides as I've mentioned before I'm not actively plotting ending my life, these thoughts are just passive, that I don't really want to wake up..

Good luck to you! I hope the treatment works for you.

 

[Spiral]

I doubt that I have capabilities for that.

I've had an appointment and it has been about 2 months since I'm being medicated by SRRI. The improvement I feel is that I no longer cry my eyes out on the thought that I'm completely worthless.. Now I fully comprehend it, but still can't accept, so this void and self hate has no end... As I've mentioned before I'm not actively plotting ending my life, these thoughts are just passive, that I don't really want to wake up..

Good luck to you! I hope the treatment works for you.

Did they not offer you any talking therapies to help you work through those feelings? I guess it depends which country you are from but in the uk you can get some therapy for free. There is also online therapies you can do if you are feeling like the meds don't work on their own.
I struggle with many of the same feelings but waiting lists for therapy are really long in my area right now so I'm going a bit crazy with no coping mechanisms and it doesn't help that I can't even distract myself from my thoughts because I also have lost interest in everything and I can't even read because my short term memory has gone too. Why couldn't it take my long term memory instead lol, I would gladly give that up and keep the short term.
Another option is practicing zen, meditation and yoga if you are into that kinda thing it can being a lot of inner peace to give you a break from ruminating.

 

[Lupgevif]

This is how I've felt for most of my depressed years. I have a life of privileges, but I am just too apathetic and indifferent to it. This feeling have improved sometimes, but always came back, despite my seeing several therapists, trying lots of different medicine, and even those DIY treatments such as meditation/mindfulness. None worked in the long term (and I am still going to therapy and taking meds), so I've just given up trying anything at all.

 

[Misantrope]

Another option is practicing zen, meditation and yoga if you are into that kinda thing it can being a lot of inner peace to give you a break from ruminating.

I can't even leave my house to go for groceries. I feel uncomfortable, since I've gained weight and I hate myself that way. Yeh, I also suffer from body dysmorphia.

Did they not offer you any talking therapies to help you work through those feelings? I guess it depends which country you are from but in the uk you can get some therapy for free. There is also online therapies you can do if you are feeling like the meds don't work on their own.

I tried to but all of the therapists I've visited were expressing toxic positivity, that life is beautiful and I need to see beauty in small things. All these talks weren't worthy of the money I paid for these visits. So gave up on them.

my short term memory has gone too.

I'm afraid that it's going to stay this way for my whole life. This thought terrifies me..

I struggle with many of the same feelings but waiting lists for therapy are really long in my area right now so I'm going a bit crazy with no coping mechanisms

Do you suffer of any other mental disorder?

This is how I've felt for most of my depressed years. I have a life of privileges, but I am just too apathetic and indifferent to it. This feeling have improved sometimes, but always came back, despite my seeing several therapists, trying lots of different medicine, and even those DIY treatments such as meditation/mindfulness. None worked in the long term (and I am still going to therapy and taking meds), so I've just given up trying anything at all.

I can relate. It's not like I'm super privileged or something, but I'm able to fulfill all necessary needs. I have loving family.. But this void doesn't go away.. There's temporal improvement, but after a short period of time everything goes down the spiral again.

 

[Spiral]

I can't even leave my house to go for groceries. I feel uncomfortable, since I've gained weight and I hate myself that way. Yeh, I also suffer from body dysmorphia.


I tried to but all of the therapists I've visited were expressing toxic positivity, that life is beautiful and I need to see beauty in small things. All these talks weren't worthy of the money I paid for these visits. So gave up on them.


I'm afraid that it's going to stay this way for my whole life. This thought terrifies me..


Do you suffer of any other mental disorder?

I can relate. It's not like I'm super privileged or something, but I'm able to fulfill all necessary needs. I have loving family.. But this void doesn't go away.. There's temporal improvement, but after a short period of time everything goes down the spiral again.

Yea I hear you, I am a recluse/hermit too, I can't go out the house either but I am lucky enough to live in a place with a garden so I can at least connect to nature a bit which helps with my anxiety and watching squirrels distracts me enough to shut my brain up for a few minutes.
You can do a bit of zen and meditation without getting out of bed though, Taoism videos on YouTube are nice and calming but I agree the conventional toxic positivity is just aggravating and not helpful at all.
Yea I have depression, anxiety, bipolar, trauma, intrusive thoughts, physical manifestations of depression (rapid weight loss, pain, hair loss, palpitations, psoriasis, no energy, nausea) and what I thought was psychosis but according to the doctor it's not and if that's true then it means I'm a HSP/Empath and that is just stressing me out beyond belief because I don't believe it's a real thing but that is what causes my social anxiety because I can feel people's thoughts, intentions and emotions unintentionally and it's horrible so going to places where there are people is like torture.

Yea I have also wondered if the memory loss is permanent but mental health professionals keep saying its temporary so there is hope that we might read again which is good because I was half way through Brandon Sanderson's oathbringer series before my memory went south and I do want to finish it because his mistborn series was awesome.

My situation is a bit shitter xD I don't have a loving family and I am broke and at risk of homelessness but that is less concerning than all the noise inside my head. Depression and mental illnesses don't discriminate, even if you have a good life they can still get you. It really sucks :(

 

[Superdeterminist]

I think about this a lot. It seems that either way, it's not good. If solving problems in life does lead to happiness, it's bad because what if they never get solved? Many problems have no clear solution. We know that many people live and die with their problems never being solved. Then we have to live with the knowledge that happiness is there if only we could solve these difficult problems we have, which is, at least for me, crushing. What kind of sick world is that? Not one I want a part in. And if solving problems doesn't lead to happiness, that could be even worse. In that case we have problems and on top of that, no path to happiness.

 

[Kbeau]

What if even without having major problems in my life, I don't want to go on with it?

I'm not ungrateful! I'm grateful of everything I have, yeh it could be the way worse.. but that doesn't exclude the fact that I don't find enjoyment in anything at all. I don't have any hobbies, I don't even like watching movies or playing video games, I don't like spending time with people, I no longer love reading (Sometimes I can't even make sense of the sentences I'm reading, my short term memory has deteriorated.),music no longer gives me solace or any kind of comfort. It's like I'm totally apathetic towards life..

But I always think that I'm not good enough, not adequate enough, not qualified enough and that low self esteem steals(stole) all the possibilities I've had. And I've had plenty of them in my life.
Right now I'm sure of only one thing, that I suck at everything and trust me that's my objective estimation. ... I wish I could follow a path, to imrpove myself but I'm unable to do it.

Please don't waste your time in replying that "you are sorry that I feel that away", that kind of proclamation does no good for me but on the contrary causes an irritation.

I'm just tired..Too tired, but I guess I'm not ready to CTB at this moment, since I can't organize or prepare my "passing". I'm just a walking corpse.

Why do I imply all of this in front of some strangers? It doesn't make sense.. I guess I just want to vent and to know that I'm not all alone.. That there are people like me.
'

A therapist of mine was talking to me about interests and hobbies. He mentioned watching TV programs. I said, "ok, so I'll sit there, maybe get a snack or something and watch tv. How will I know when I'm done??" I think he gave up on me at that point. Like you, I have no real hobbies or interests that give me pleasure. I get it. I wish I liked making birdfeeders or drawing or playing instrument or socializing or sports or something - but they all bore me.

 

[BornofDust]

I can definitely tell you jut want to sleep and never wake up. I also definitely feel like you pretty much for a longtime, seems like your always this dark ghost wandering the world purposely with no purpose, it's honestly hard to even attempt to find one since life seems so exhausting most of the time, so I get you dude, especially since society doesn't really help much in solving that department.