![Voidbather](/data/avatars/l/89/89781.jpg?1711040255)
Voidbather
New Member
- Mar 5, 2024
- 3
As my life goes on and I keep steadily losing hope I've now (nearly) come to the conclusion that I want to CTB. Every day is like climbing Mount Everest. I have no direction, I don't care anymore and I'm done trying. My mental state is declining and I don't see it getting better.
However..
The one thing that still makes me hesitate is a lot of my life is still ahead, I'm still young. (And yes, I'm old enough to be on this site just still pretty young) People have found goodness in their life after inconceivable lows, and even though this seems pretty much impossible to me at this point, there's still this one thing keeping me from following through. I can't decide if I should let it go now and end my pain or just keep going and see what happens. I'm scared of continuing because I don't know if things will get worse and the way I feel now will be even more crushing. But you never know, I could miraculously sort out my degrading mental state and put something together. Being on the fence is hard, I wish I could just decide already.
I know this might seem childish or a strange thing to get hung up on but it's been eating away at me. I can't talk about it with my loved ones because they already don't leave me alone because they know I'm about to leave them. So this is really the only place I could turn.
However..
The one thing that still makes me hesitate is a lot of my life is still ahead, I'm still young. (And yes, I'm old enough to be on this site just still pretty young) People have found goodness in their life after inconceivable lows, and even though this seems pretty much impossible to me at this point, there's still this one thing keeping me from following through. I can't decide if I should let it go now and end my pain or just keep going and see what happens. I'm scared of continuing because I don't know if things will get worse and the way I feel now will be even more crushing. But you never know, I could miraculously sort out my degrading mental state and put something together. Being on the fence is hard, I wish I could just decide already.
I know this might seem childish or a strange thing to get hung up on but it's been eating away at me. I can't talk about it with my loved ones because they already don't leave me alone because they know I'm about to leave them. So this is really the only place I could turn.