What I Wrote My Therapist

[charlie_z]

I don't believe most people who attempt suicide want to die. I believe that what they want is to stop experiencing a life they feel unable to change, a life that no longer holds any room for purpose and beauty. I don't want to die. I know, because I've experienced beauty: there is the unbridled laughter of children stomping among shallow pools of water after a sudden rainstorm; the wandering among giant redwoods caressed by soft curtains of lily-white mist during an early evening hike with close friends; the deep gentle breathing of a somnolent lover cradled against my body after an evening of lovemaking.

So many things: stunning renderings by painters such a Monet and Hopper; stirring music by composers such as Bach, Paul Simon, and Gert Taberner. And there's photography, architecture, cinema, and much, much more. I've lived and experienced this beauty, and I know I've been very fortunate to have been able to do so. So, there is a sadness in knowing I'll never be able to re-experience many of these moments of beauty, but if I could believe that there was a life ahead of me that allowed for a quiet but dignified existence, a simple life but one with a sense of genuine purpose and meaning, the idea of my ending my life would not be a question at all.

This last year, my time in XXXXXX and now back in XXXXXX, I've lived with the mounting fear that this dream of finding a way toward a meaningful, purpose-led life is now grown beyond me. For more than 35 years I've searched for a way to make meaning of my life. From the outside, there have been lovers, teachers, healers, psychiatric drugs, therapists, surgery. From within, meditation, reading, writing, seclusion. I have failed in all these efforts. For years I've spent my life avoiding, escaping, and hiding. But this not a life. There's a line from the movie "The Hours" where Virginia Woolf, in admonishing her husband, states, "You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard." I cannot continue avoiding my life, but neither am I able to change it. I am deeply cognizant of the fact that, as much as I fervently wish you or anyone else could set out a path for me to follow, I alone bear this responsibility.

 

[woxihuanni]

Of course not. And it is true that peace does not come with avoidance. If only a particular person could see that as well, I would live. Joyfully.

 

[CaptainT]

Perfectly written @charlie_z. Life is endlessly beautiful and magnificent, but the state of suffering and the desire for it to stop is equal. I wish you light and love which ever road you take from here

 

[Sweet emotion]

I don't believe most people who attempt suicide want to die. I believe that what they want is to stop experiencing a life they feel unable to change, a life that no longer holds any room for purpose and beauty. I don't want to die. I know, because I've experienced beauty: there is the unbridled laughter of children stomping among shallow pools of water after a sudden rainstorm; the wandering among giant redwoods caressed by soft curtains of lily-white mist during an early evening hike with close friends; the deep gentle breathing of a somnolent lover cradled against my body after an evening of lovemaking.

So many things: stunning renderings by painters such a Monet and Hopper; stirring music by composers such as Bach, Paul Simon, and Gert Taberner. And there's photography, architecture, cinema, and much, much more. I've lived and experienced this beauty, and I know I've been very fortunate to have been able to do so. So, there is a sadness in knowing I'll never be able to re-experience many of these moments of beauty, but if I could believe that there was a life ahead of me that allowed for a quiet but dignified existence, a simple life but one with a sense of genuine purpose and meaning, the idea of my ending my life would not be a question at all.

This last year, my time in XXXXXX and now back in XXXXXX, I've lived with the mounting fear that this dream of finding a way toward a meaningful, purpose-led life is now grown beyond me. For more than 35 years I've searched for a way to make meaning of my life. From the outside, there have been lovers, teachers, healers, psychiatric drugs, therapists, surgery. From within, meditation, reading, writing, seclusion. I have failed in all these efforts. For years I've spent my life avoiding, escaping, and hiding. But this not a life. There's a line from the movie "The Hours" where Virginia Woolf, in admonishing her husband, states, "You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard." I cannot continue avoiding my life, but neither am I able to change it. I am deeply cognizant of the fact that, as much as I fervently wish you or anyone else could set out a path for me to follow, I alone bear this responsibility.

This is what you wrote your therapist and she didn't suggest you go to a mental hospital? One I cried in front of my pain management doctor and he told me he was seriously thinking of putting me away somewhere. For crying? Give me break.

 

[CrushedHopes]

It sounds like you are lost and desperately trying to find the true meaning and purpose of your life. Whatever it may be, I wish you luck, and that you find it.

 

[noctiva]

Of course not. And it is true that peace does not come with avoidance. If only a particular person could see that as well, I would live. Joyfully.

I hear you and I can relate to your statement so much it hurts. Feel hugged and know that you're not alone.

 

[trynacbt]

I don't believe most people who attempt suicide want to die. I believe that what they want is to stop experiencing a life they feel unable to change, a life that no longer holds any room for purpose and beauty. I don't want to die. I know, because I've experienced beauty: there is the unbridled laughter of children stomping among shallow pools of water after a sudden rainstorm; the wandering among giant redwoods caressed by soft curtains of lily-white mist during an early evening hike with close friends; the deep gentle breathing of a somnolent lover cradled against my body after an evening of lovemaking.

So many things: stunning renderings by painters such a Monet and Hopper; stirring music by composers such as Bach, Paul Simon, and Gert Taberner. And there's photography, architecture, cinema, and much, much more. I've lived and experienced this beauty, and I know I've been very fortunate to have been able to do so. So, there is a sadness in knowing I'll never be able to re-experience many of these moments of beauty, but if I could believe that there was a life ahead of me that allowed for a quiet but dignified existence, a simple life but one with a sense of genuine purpose and meaning, the idea of my ending my life would not be a question at all.

This last year, my time in XXXXXX and now back in XXXXXX, I've lived with the mounting fear that this dream of finding a way toward a meaningful, purpose-led life is now grown beyond me. For more than 35 years I've searched for a way to make meaning of my life. From the outside, there have been lovers, teachers, healers, psychiatric drugs, therapists, surgery. From within, meditation, reading, writing, seclusion. I have failed in all these efforts. For years I've spent my life avoiding, escaping, and hiding. But this not a life. There's a line from the movie "The Hours" where Virginia Woolf, in admonishing her husband, states, "You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard." I cannot continue avoiding my life, but neither am I able to change it. I am deeply cognizant of the fact that, as much as I fervently wish you or anyone else could set out a path for me to follow, I alone bear this responsibility.

So beautiful. Thank you for sharing. This moved me deeply, and I feel the very same way.

 

[Spock87]

This is what you wrote your therapist and she didn't suggest you go to a mental hospital? One I cried in front of my pain management doctor and he told me he was seriously thinking of putting me away somewhere. For crying? Give me break.

Unfortunately I told my therapist a very detailed plan and she sent me home. I only told her cause she already knew I was thinking of it I just though her off the trail

 

[MeltingHeart]

Despite the sadness contained within that- that is a beautiful piece of writing. Do you write? I mean to speak of purpose & meaning- perhaps pursuing such a thing could offer some.

 

[charlie_z]

Do you write?

Once, a long time ago, I set out to be a writer. I wrote a few things, nothing special, but people liked it, some of it at least. Then I got sick, very suddenly, and it all ended abruptly. That marked the end of one dream, and only more dead dreams have followed since. So, no, I don't write, not really. Thank you, though, for the kind words. Words still mean something to me, and yours are very nice.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Unfortunately I told my therapist a very detailed plan and she sent me home. I only told her cause she already knew I was thinking of it I just though her off the trail

I don't see how that would throw her off the trail. She's actually mandated to report you.

 

[khw777]

Once, a long time ago, I set out to be a writer. I wrote a few things, nothing special, but people liked it, some of it at least. Then I got sick, very suddenly, and it all ended abruptly. That marked the end of one dream, and only more dead dreams have followed since. So, no, I don't write, not really. Thank you, though, for the kind words. Words still mean something to me, and yours are very nice.

Beautiful and heartfelt will written. How did you get sick may I ask.

 

[charlie_z]

Beautiful and heartfelt will written. How did you get sick may I ask.

Thank you for the kind words. I was diagnosed with refractory OCD in my late teens. The OCD led to a severe depression. The depression in turn kept me from growing and developing normally. And it's gone on and on since. What about you? Do you mind if I ask what brought you here?

 

[hatelife]

Thank you for the kind words. I was diagnosed with refractory OCD in my late teens. The OCD led to a severe depression. The depression in turn kept me from growing and developing normally. And it's gone on and on since. What about you? Do you mind if I ask what brought you here?

I too have ocd and intrusive thoughts its a nightmare, and also to some sense depersonalisation, I feel like im not really here or cant really process this world its like a movie

 

[khw777]

Thank you for the kind words. I was diagnosed with refractory OCD in my late teens. The OCD led to a severe depression. The depression in turn kept me from growing and developing normally. And it's gone on and on since. What about you? Do you mind if I ask what brought you here?

Severe Depression, Severe Health Problems and separation from my wife after two years of marriage.

 

[charlie_z]

I feel like im not really here or cant really process this world its like a movie

God, how I know that experience. I'm sorry, friend. OCD is a nasty, duplicitous disease. The French call it 'folie de doute,' the doubting disease. You really start to doubt everything, especially yourself. Consider yourself hugged. If you ever need to chat, I'm here.

 

[Spock87]

I don't see how that would throw her off the trail. She's actually mandated to report you.

She didn't though so I will take that as a green light

 

[TAW122]

This is a well written note, and personally, I wouldn't see a therapist (I have threads explaining why already along with detailed reasoning), and even then, I would NEVER say or write anything that can be 'construed' as a harm to myself, others, or anything that alludes to suicide. It's simply a risk that I am not willing to take for that the consequences would be too great for me to bear.

Anyways, I wish you the best and just always be cautious with what you share with your therapist because by any margin if they sense any harm or danger, they would quickly break confidentiality, so all I will say is just be careful.

@Sweet emotion Ugh, that's really awful, kicking someone while they're down. I hate people who are like that, and if I could punish them (legally) I would but sadly recourse (let alone vengeance) is simply not an option in this depraved, cruel society. Hearing your story and incident just makes me more resentful towards healthcare professionals and people in authority. Fuck their overbearing, oppressive powers.

 

[Sweet emotion]

This is a well written note, and personally, I wouldn't see a therapist (I have threads explaining why already along with detailed reasoning), and even then, I would NEVER say or write anything that can be 'construed' as a harm to myself, others, or anything that alludes to suicide. It's simply a risk that I am not willing to take for that the consequences would be too great for me to bear.

Anyways, I wish you the best and just always be cautious with what you share with your therapist because by any margin if they sense any harm or danger, they would quickly break confidentiality, so all I will say is just be careful.

@Sweet emotion Ugh, that's really awful, kicking someone while they're down. I hate people who are like that, and if I could punish them (legally) I would but sadly recourse (let alone vengeance) is simply not an option in this depraved, cruel society. Hearing your story and incident just makes me more resentful towards healthcare professionals and people in authority. Fuck their overbearing, oppressive powers.

Thank you very much. I hate them and I have to go to see them in two days. I have my condition in my hand and arm now and I don't know if I should tell the doctor about it or keep it a secret because they may want me to go to physical therapy which will beyond excruciating. So I have to think this one out very carefully. But I'm going to get more pills to add to my stash. The more the better right?