What have you learned from being suicidal?

[OneFootOut]

I've learned some basic practical chemistry

I've learned how easy it is for anyone to slip through the cracks of society.

I've learned that bringing up MAiD to your doctor can light a fire under their ass to try and get you more urgent help.

I've learned that chronic suicidality is a thing and all information about it is paywalled.

I've learned how lonely and isolated I am.

I've learned how deeply rooted living things' survival instinct is.

 

[wCvML2]

I learned to use the dark web because of being suicidal to look for suicide methods. Didn't realize it is suspicious to have Tor installed on my computer until someone IRL pointed it out on my desktop, so I deleted the shortcut.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Life is cruel

 

[img-phenix]

I've learned just how useless psychiatric professionals are, they'll just slap you with whatever diagnosis will keep you paying.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That the actual process of killing yourself probably isn't as easy as they make it look on TV or films.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've probably learned some things about myself that I've already forgotten by now.

 

[Downdraft]

Not suicidal, but here are a few:

·People know little to nothing about suicidality, even if they had it. Some still think that intrusive thoughts you barely control are somehow a choice.

·When things actually get better, it's disappointing, I like recovery, but nothing really compares to someone's worst kind of pain...

·People don't actually wanna know if you are doing well, they want you to not say you're bad. Minimal deviance can sometimes result in harassment. It's a huge problem in society that receives too little voice for how bad it usually ends.

·Most people seem to only think based on how they feel in that moment, and most recovered people are easy to dismiss past experiences, as they no longer have that reference.

 

[astr4]

everything in life is transactional. you trade your labour for wages, you trade those wages to make your existence tolerable. you trade people affection and empathy in relationships in the hopes that it'll be reciprocated. in the end there's nothing about you, singularly, that is valuable, only what you can market and offer to other people.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I haven't really learnt anything due to being suicidal. I was (and still am) suicidal because of knowledge that I already knew. Knowledge that life with anhedonia sucks. Knowledge that adulthood is shitty and isn't worth living. Knowledge that, at any time in my life, it's possible for me to get an awful physical condition and that my life is due to mere chance. Knowledge that wage slavery is awful and that I don't want to wage slave at any costs. You get the point by now. I already had all of this knowledge and this is why I became suicidal. I learnt nothing new after being suicidal

 

[jar-baby]

I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing. It just feels like my world in general has broadened. I think the biggest thing I've learnt is that if I continue to live, I'll need a reason. I'll need purpose. Having been this close to death, I don't think I can just live for the sake of living.

·Most people seem to only think based on how they feel in that moment, and most recovered people are easy to dismiss past experiences, as they no longer have that reference.

I feel this too. Whenever I hear recovered people talking about their previous experiences, they speak of suicidality as though it's some kind of malignant force that exists separately from one's true self. And though I know that some people do indeed experience it that way, I now find these descriptions are reductionist at best, and I don't like how they further the narrative that no one could truly, deep down, ever want to kill themself.

That the actual process of killing yourself probably isn't as easy as they make it look on TV or films.

this! now, it aggravates me whenever I see a character successfully commit suicide on an impulsive first attempt (especially when it's by wrist-cutting—knowing now that the success rate is really low, it seems sensationalistic to depict so many suicides in that way). I think these depictions are harmful too. Recently, a blogger I occasionally read posted about his belief that the right to suicide is a fundamental civil liberty, and many of the responses went something like well, if you want to kill yourself, you can just do it—the state shouldn't have to act paternalistically and do it for you. The obvious (here) problem is that having a humane death—or literal euthanasia—often isn't possible on your own because most states already act paternalistically by making peaceful methods harder to access, but most people don't realise that, and before I was suicidal, I didn't either.

I've learned how lonely and isolated I am.

This too. It's weird to me, because I've effectively been alone for ages but I only started feeling lonely around the time I became suicidal.

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing. It just feels like my world in general has broadened. I think the biggest thing I've learnt is that if I continue to live, I'll need a reason. I'll need purpose. Having been this close to death, I don't think I can just live for the sake of living.

This is close to what I would say. What I've really learned is that my view of the world was very limited to my own biases and experiences. I thought I had everything figured out and could prove through logic everything about the world and how it is. I thought people who weren't as negative as me were simply blind and deluding themselves.

It's not true. I've learned that life, purpose, connections . . . everything about this world has both beauty and ugliness. I have some personal issues, and I see the ugliness more than the beauty, but that doesn't invalidate anyone who is able to see more of the beauty. There are other people functioning in society who know that life "sucks." They understand the challenges. They get that things aren't fair and are tilted against the little guy in a lot of ways. They understand that for most people there is more time spent struggling than prospering. They also understand the moments of prosperity can hold a far greater magnitude. People who are able to accept reality and face it should be admired rather than scorned.

I'm still happy that I get lost in my thoughts and am probably more contemplative and philosophical than the average joe, but I move forward with awareness that this can trap me in a distorted reality. It still happens! See how I had a few months there where I was negative and acting like I was back in time in those younger days. Being suicidal so long has made me understand that I don't always see things clearly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing. It just feels like my world in general has broadened. I think the biggest thing I've learnt is that if I continue to live, I'll need a reason. I'll need purpose. Having been this close to death, I don't think I can just live for the sake of living.


I feel this too. Whenever I hear recovered people talking about their previous experiences, they speak of suicidality as though it's some kind of malignant force that exists separately from one's true self. And though I know that some people do indeed experience it this way, I now find these descriptions are reductionist at best, and I don't like how they purport the narrative that no one could truly, deep down, ever want to kill themself.


this! now, it aggravates me whenever I see a character successfully commit suicide on an impulsive first attempt (especially when it's by wrist-cutting—knowing now that the success rate is really low, it seems sensationalistic to depict so many suicides in that way). I think these depictions are harmful too. Recently, a blogger I occasionally read posted about his belief that the right to suicide is a fundamental civil liberty, and many of the responses went something like well, if you want to kill yourself, you can just do it—the state shouldn't have to act paternalistically and do it for you. The obvious (here) problem is having a humane death—or literal euthanasia—often isn't possible on your own because most states already act paternalistically by making peaceful methods harder to access, but most people don't realise that, and before I was suicidal, I didn't either.

Absolutely agree. Quite often you see characters pop a few pills and that's it. I think they make it very difficult to overdose on modern drugs. Not that I'm saying it should be easier. Obviously, accidental overdoses wouldn't be good.

Still, it's unrealistic- like you say- for people to say it's easy to just go ahead and do it. Suicide is deliberately made as risky as possible in the hopes it will put us off.

They also don't seem to acknowledge that it's our rational minds that are thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I fail? How serious can the health complications be? What other consequences might there be? eg. sectioning to a psyche ward, possible lack of employment, a change in the way people treat us.

 

[juna]

Being suicidal made me realize loneliness is the biggest killer. And it is. Not all lonely people will kill themselves but add into the mix, mental health problems and you get people who are at extreme risk of suicide.

No one is there for you ever. They will say if only they did something after you are gone, but they never do anything when someone is alive. No one really cares.

And as someone has said above, you need a purpose to live. Without a purpose, one would die in a minute. Maybe not everyone needs a purpose, but suicidal people do.

Looking from outside perspective at someone's life does not show what they feel. No one will ever understand anyone's mental suffering.

Suicide is not a choice. No one chooses it, they just want to end their pain. Do we all not want to have fun, it is just the fun seems too difficult to achieve or isn't enough to keep them living. I am failed by my own mind and nothing can ever fix it.

 

[Jarni]

Being suicidal made me realize that you must prepare a suicide plan that is safe and usable in conditions where you are disabled, since a very young age.

This way you can live more serenely and peacefully and not worry too much about the tragic events of life.

Because becoming disabled is very easy. Unfortunately avoiding accidents doesn't help. There are viruses (Sars2, - which is always there and will never go away, -and others) and bacteria (as in Lyme disease and others) that can do this easily at absolutely any age.
And many other things.

Also, that natural death is often horrible and it is better to know how and when to stop yourself, even if it is 70-80 years old, but yourself.
Ideally euthanasia of course.

 

[archiveofpain]

If ever, being suicidal has taught me how society in general makes it hard for people to actually get help and how isolating it is. In general, people like to close their eyes to things even if they are aware, nobody notices because in our culture it's not considered good to be unhappy, so people are expected to smile and pretend everything is fine. If you are suicidal or have some sort of mental illness you are expected not to complain and disturb the happy people which invites more ostracism

The moment you are honest about being suicidal, people will found you distressing, ill mannered, inconvenient at best and a 'complainer' or an 'attention seeker' at worst.

All in all society is so far behind any kind of dialogue surrounding suicide and people, intentionally or not suck. The whole "reach out for help" line is only said so they can feel like they have done the right thing without actually having to do anything. The truth is that people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care and too busy dealing with their own unhappiness to want to hear about suicide, and certainly don't want to take responsibility for it even if they contribute to the ostracization

 

[jar-baby]

Absolutely agree. Quite often you see characters pop a few pills and that's it. I think they make it very difficult to overdose on modern drugs. Not that I'm saying it should be easier. Obviously, accidental overdoses wouldn't be good.

I think depicting suicide like that has the potential to cause harm as well. I wouldn't take a random chemical and ingest it in the hopes of death; I'd take SN because I know it works, and I know the mechanisms by which it works. I've seen people here and elsewhere speak of attempting by OD-ing on a seemingly arbitrarily chosen pill or combination of pills, and though I understand these people are often desperate, there's simply no reason to think this would lead to death as opposed to illness, and I think it's possible part of the reason some people do think that way is because of these media depictions.

 

[imissmycat]

I've become less scared of and nervous about life. Job interviews, "getting in trouble", etc.

 

[KillingPain267]

Because of being suicidal I've deep-dived into the topic of consciousness and learned that there is no such as a "soul" (not even according to the Bible when studying the original languages).

 

[Arachno]

I have realized just how hard it is to actually end your life and that I'm not only bad at expressing myself in real life but also online.

 

[lacrimosa]

Misery loves company.

I am alone if I decide to do this. No one will support my decision to CTB. Not when it comes down to it. This will devastate my family.

My cat is my best friend.

I have had many friends whom have died from overdoses and suicide and I am so numb, emotionally and mentally.

There is no future for our world in which I want to live in given the current trajectory we are on.

Counselling and psychotherapy don't work for me. Medications don't either.

Music is a gift from the Gods.

 

[Hellish Ore]

That if you truly want to die, then nothing will want to make you stay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I've learned that it's very difficult to kill myself even though everything was so hopeless and I wanted to die so much - still, death is the only relief from all suffering and pain in this life but it's really difficult to do it.

 

[EternalShore]

Because of being suicidal I've deep-dived into the topic of consciousness and learned that there is no such as a "soul" (not even according to the Bible when studying the original languages).

sounds interesting! :D Could you explain further? :)

 

[Trying To Live]

That my life sucks for a very long time. I'm less suicidal now. I really try to hold on and improve my life. But I wake up depressed everyday and i'm happy when it's time to go to sleep and knock me out with medication.

I don't want to go on and grow old like this. It's torture.

I want to live and not survive.

Currently lot's of things are lacking to make me a little happy.

 

[KillingPain267]

sounds interesting! :D Could you explain further? :)

Like, when I first became suicidal I assumed dying would mean taking a last breath and leaving the physical body. Now I believe in physicalism, which means consciousness dies when the brain dies. However, since I'm still a Christian there is still eternal life, it's just that it's a physical literal body, but that is immortal (created at the end of the world at the resurrection), meaning with consciousness coming from a new brain.

 

[EternalShore]

Like, when I first became suicidal I assumed dying would mean taking a last breath and leaving the physical body. Now I believe in physicalism, which means consciousness dies when the brain dies. However, since I'm still a Christian there is still eternal life, it's just that it's a physical literal body, but that is immortal (created at the end of the world at the resurrection), meaning with consciousness coming from a new brain.

ahh, thank you for explaining it to me! ^_^ hehe~ I personally can't wait for the eternal heavenly body~ :) This one just causes me such pain and agony! :(((

 

[hereornot]

I Believe there is a difference between being suicidal and having suicidal tendencies. Or even be open to evaluating the options available.
I haven't made any attempts yet, so I don't consider myself suicidal. But I learned a lot and continue to learn because this card is on the table and is always an option.

I mainly learned what not to do if I ever tried. If that happens, I want it to be definitive.

Still about being considered suicidal, like any label, I believe that the person should have actually done something to be identified as such, as there are many curious people and others who want to know what exists and how it works, and perhaps never do.

For example, calling a person who has never eaten meat a carnivore, just because they know that meat exists and know how carnivores work. Maybe that person will become a carnivore, maybe a vegan. You never know.

In my opinion for sure.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I've learned in my research on ways to kms people actually transplanted another dog's head on another dog's body and it lived for several months afterwards, thus learning getting a new head is technically a possibility if the procedure is done fast enough and the bloodflow remains somewhat intact.

Oh and that is your head is cut off you'll very possible be 'alive' for a couple more seconds.

I also learned I'm not really grossed out by either but rather intrigued.
And I'd never known this if I wasn't suicidal.

Also discovered I really don't like the harshness in this world, but I like myself more than I thought.

 

[Circles]

That once you've touched the depths of your own despairing abyss battling your demons circling around a black hole, it's hard to ever come back to life from that without feeling changed permanently.

 

[KillingPain267]

ahh, thank you for explaining it to me! ^_^ hehe~ I personally can't wait for the eternal heavenly body~ :) This one just causes me such pain and agony! :(((

Yes, as horrible as it may sound for some (worldly) Christians, my religion is part of why I can't wait for my exit and wanna hasten it!

Revelation 21:4: "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."