Same as it's always been, more or less. There's waking up of course, which itself can range to pretty much anytime, whether it be from 5:00 in the afternoon, to 3:30 at night. I'm a hermit who almost never goes anywhere so, as a result, my sleeping patterns are fairly arbitrary & all over the place.
From there, I exercise for about an hour, almost immediately after waking up. I've been doing this every day for just about the last few months now, so it's a rather new addition to the usual crap I busy myself with. I originally started with our treadmill and using that for about 60-80 minutes at a power walk-like pace on a high incline, but after about a month 1/2, the weather got too insufferable to continue. Not to mention, the tread began to stick (again), making the damn thing nigh unworkable. Regardless, I'll probably start using it again once the Summer's over, assuming it can be fixed that is. An unfortunate turn of events either way, but I managed to find alternative ways to workout that, more or less, suited me. That being 9 1/2 minutes of light HIT (High Intensity) exercise, 6 sets of 10 kettlebell swings with a 36 pound bell, 10 Turkish get-ups, one for each side, with a 15 pound bell, and finally 3 sets of 21 goblet squats with that same 15 pound bell. It's not much, but it's something. I honestly couldn't tell you why I started in the first place. Aside from losing a bit of weight and getting a bit of definition in some places, I really don't feel any differently than I did before. Ultimately, it just felt like something to do, that beats smashing my head in the wall, or harming myself in some other way. Who knows how much longer I'll keep it up. It's all pretty pointless in the end.
After that, I boot up the old personal computer and come here basically. Usually shitting out a post or two in the process (such as this one, for instance). I really do hate the fact that I feel the need to do this. Expressing myself to a bunch of strangers online. It's such a waste of time & energy (like everything else in this life). I despise reading back the things I've written. All the incoherent rants, all the useless self-indulgent tirades, all the whiny bullshit. Saying things that have already been said a trillion times before. I literally get nothing from this website, aside from discomfort, awkwardness, alienation, & pain. Nelson Muntz's "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" line from The Simpsons pretty much sums it up. Maybe the mods should just ban me as a form of mercy, or something. I don't know.
After I'm done perusing here, I usually check out a few other websites/sub-reddits, then have my one, and often only, meal of the day. Usually just a plate of vegetables with some meat. Assuming my mother hasn't already made me a meal and left it in the fridge, then I just whip one up myself. Personally, I've always detested the act of eating and have always tried to put it off for as long as I can, until my hunger finally gets the better of me. I've often wished for a robot body, if only to save myself the hassle of ever having to eat again.
After all that, my day gets a lot hazier/less structured. I might have a shower, I might have a long nap, I might go talk with my mom for a bit, or I might just sit & stare at the wall/carpet for a while. This part of the day is always the hardest to get through and is quite often when my internal tension/depression/restlessness is at an absolute fever pitch of excruciation. Just saying that though, really doesn't even cover it. It's honestly fucking hell. At some point however, I'll usually end up forcing myself to play a video game of some kind. Often for a great length of time, (say 4-6 hours straight, or even longer). In between, I might listen to some music, or watch a couple YouTube videos, but that's about it. After all those hours pass, I get up & stumble around for a bit, recheck a few websites (including this one), maybe masturbate if I'm in the mood, and then, at long last, unfold the futon and crawl my weary ass into bed, only to arise the next day and have it all. Start over. Again. Rinse, fucking repeat. Even without being saddled with some mind-numbing occupation, life is still an unbearably tedious grind.
As an odd aside, one big break to my routine lately was going to ascertain whether or not I was a candidate for Lasik/PRK. I've always yearned to be free of my glasses, given that I've been burdened with them all my life and literally need them to see. Anyway, doing this required me to go on quite a long journey and effectively expose myself to being outside in broad daylight for the first time, in a very long time. It wasn't easy, but I managed. I basically just laid myself down in the backseat of our car with a blanket over top of me, until we finally got there a couple hours later. Both my parents were with me the whole time, so that certainly helped ease my palpable anxiety a bit. Sadly, it was all for naught, since I wasn't a candidate. As I had feared might be the case, my prescription was deemed too high to be considered safe for treatment. I'd like to say I didn't get my hopes up, but I kinda did and the pain of disappointment as a result was hard to deny. Fucking figures, but oh well. Serves me right, I guess. Wishing for such an unlikely outcome like that. Utter foolishness. It has given me the slight motivation to finally try contacts, but enh. We'll see about that. I also heard about something called lenticular implantation which could essentially reduce my prescription far enough to make me eligible for PRK. Unfortunately, it's a fairly new treatment, so I'm hoping (there I go again) that it'll become an available treatment within the next couple years. (*sigh*) Christ. Listen to me. A couple years? The thought of me still being alive by then sends shivers down my spine. What a fucking nightmare this all is. Either way, it doesn't matter. Don't even know why I brought this up in the first place. I guess because there's nowhere else for me to say it, as useless as it all is. Anyway, whatever. Time for the cycle to repeat. Excuse me while I complete my personal Groundhog Day one more agonizing time.
