What has your health complications cost you the most that you find yourself missing?

[Noriv159]

I lost most of my good habits and career prospects and I'm not doing so well cognitively. I'm also struggling to maintain good hygiene. I had a lot of grandiose plans for my future, but I've secretly always been twitterpated about my life coming to an end. It's just now I have reasons why it should be so, sooner.

 

[Pookie]

What health complications do you have? I've lost everything. I feel if you don't have your health, you don't have anything. I can't enjoy anything anymore or relax because the pain is all-consuming. It's there all day, every day.

 

[AutoTap]

Life. Literally I'm just existing and surviving. I'm not living life. My anxiety is so bad and is fueled by my ASD. Yay

 

[Noriv159]

What health complications do you have?

Endoparasites and a lot of mental stuff.

 

[Weary Soul]

I've lost everything. My family, my mind (TBIs), and, less importantly, the career that I loved.

Ultimately? My life.

 

[Sherri]

I've lost everything. My family, my mind (TBIs), and, less importantly, the career that I loved.

Ultimately? My life.

That's a quite impressive testimony ,In a sad way. Is there a chance you can rebuilt your life? Or maybe it's too late now. Hugs

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Potential.
Being a competent human being.

 

[Weary Soul]

That's a quite impressive testimony ,In a sad way. Is there a chance you can rebuilt your life? Or maybe it's too late now. Hugs

I have tried so many times.

The sad thing about traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) is that few understand how subtly devastating they can be. Those in my life, despite supporting them financially and emotionally for decades prior to my head injuries, threw me away when I could no longer support them financially. They exhibited absolutely no patience to deal with me as I struggled.

I once told them that it seems to me it would have been easier had I lost a limb because at least that is a tangible injury that is readily obvious - brain injury? Not so much (and please know, this is not to negate anyone's trauma at losing a limb).

I tried over and over and over to explain to them my deficits because of the multiple head injuries I sustained and it was like knocking my head against a wall (ha - no pun intended - my poor brain has already had too much damage). They could (or would?) not take the time to listen. Not only that, I was assaulted further.

I have never been one to give up and this is what I am struggling the most with at the thought of ending my life. It feels to me that I am quitting.

Sighs, I wish I had what some others seem to have irl, support. But I do not and have to face facts.

I did start a blog to describe what I have gone through in life (aka - a blog to vomit my pain in writing - ha, pologies, a bit of dark humor there). My hopes with the blog is that someone will read it and know that they are not alone and maybe take some comfort there. I also started a go-fund-me account in the hopes that maybe I can live a few more weeks, but this leaves a bad taste in my mouth as so many are also struggling or have had it worse than I have.

Thanks so much for the hugs @Sherri - I really needed them today :)

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm in such bad shape I can't even drink a cup of coffee without having intense stomach pain the rest of the day.
I'm most upset about being afraid to drink SN, afraid of the stomach pain it would cause. Imagine being too sick to even drink SN. The only time my stomach doesn't hurt is if I can go all day without eating.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

The cognitive issues are horrible, I'm sorry you're dealing with them too OP. I went from being in gifted classes and never getting less than an A grade to being wrecked overnight once I started high school and gained awareness that I was being sexually abused.

Developing PTSD was bad enough but then I got chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic neuropathic pain, and digestive problems, in addition to the ASD I've lived with since birth.

People always thought I would have a fancy career in tech or science, because I was always told that I had talents and that if I applied myself properly I would find success.

Now I can barely stay in university. I've dropped out a couple of times and started again, because I am under so much pressure to try to function. I know I will never be able to work again and I need to ctb or else I will be always treated like a lazy burden because most of my disabilities are not visible to the naked eye.

Everyday I mourn what I could have had. I lost friends. I lost my academic talents and my sharp mind. I lost the ability to have any sort of normal life because I can barely do anything. I lost the ability to wake up without feeling exhausted.

The ability to enjoy food, the ability to feel safe, the ability to enjoy walks or going out, all those things people say makes life worth living, I had all that taken away from me, at such a young age.

The worst part is people try to blame us for being disabled or not being happy about it. This is hell. This isn't a good life.

 

[Mixo]

My health problems cost me pretty much everything I had - anything I built for myself was rendered useless once I became chronically ill. Lost my friends, lost my job, lost my housing, lost any contact with family. Now, I live on other people's terms only (one person in particular who is pretty abusive) and it's a nasty and undignified to live on top of the pain, physically struggle, and illness in general. I agree with what others have posted here, that once you lose your health, you can't really have good quality of life. I wish people who were against suicide would consider that more but unfortunately, people don't really get it until it affects them or someone they love directly.

 

[Mentalmick]

My dog ollie. That's him in my picture. Love him so much and miss him badly.

 

[Canon1]

I am deeply depressed because life didn't turn out for me the way I wished. I feel like caught in this body, country and life.

 

[Thanatonaut]

So much. Normalcy. Not hurting. Being a husband and father, actually being able to fulfill those roles. Sex. Teeth. (The military refused to fix mine when they medically discharged me after ruining my back. They said the VA would do it, and of course, the VA refused. Now they're beyond repair but I don't have the money to fix/replace them. Nor should I have to.)

Everything in my life is fixable. It's just that nobody gives a shit enough to do it. I've been used up and tossed aside like rubbish. But I guess being able to get a free meal at Red Lobster on Veteran's Day placates this country's dirty conscience.

 

[NightmareTour]

My independance has been the worst thing to lose. I didn't really have a ton of plans or anything since I was quite young when I first got ill, but being able to live on my own without relying on someone else was definitely something I wanted. I had it for a while, but not very long.

I guess there's a lot of other stuff I'd miss if I still remembered what life was like without illness, but honestly I think I've outgrown caring about what I could have had, I just don't like how it is now.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have ruined my car by letting it sit for the past year undriven. The gas in it has gone sour and wrecked the entire engine.
I quit driving when I got so bad I can barely walk, along with the pandemic. It's a very nice car too.

I would put up with the pain in my stomach and drink the vile liquid anyway, but I tend to scream uncontrollable when the pain gets bad enough and someone would hear me. And unfortunately the car is parked in a very visible area so I can't sit in that to ctb. Somehow the only answer is to find another place to do it and I can't figure out how, with no car. Or without being able to walk more than a few steps.

 

[Pravesh]

im not sure if this can be called a " health complication" but i have a legit micropenis. i know its not as serious as other health or body issues but its made life terrible for me , no pleasing women , no being desired by women , never being seen as a "stud", always made fun of , caused extreme anxiety and depressions, repeated rejections over and over. i wish i had a normal penis but i dont and life for me is pointless.

 

[hellodarkness]

I'm schizophrenic so you know, my sanity to start.

 

[Nodscene]

Like a lot of you my health took away everything. Even from a young age it cost me my highschool diploma (I have 3 sleeping disorders which would now be classified as chronic fatigue).

Not being able to sleep or more importantly wake up when I needed to meant I couldn't go to University even if I finished highschool.

After traveling the country for a couple years I started welding since the classroom part was only 2 months long which was my limit on being able to get up in the morning before exhaustion meant I'd sleep through as many alarms as I could set even if they were in another room.

Jobs were the same. For my whole life I could only keep a job for about 2 months so I'd keep getting fired and keep having to find a new job. Doesn't make for a stable life. Not to mention dealing with severe depression and like many of you the desire to end things.

As luck would have it after 2 years of welding (1 short of getting my ticket ie "diploma") my mom got cancer so I moved back to my hometown which was in a different provence.

Obviously if I couldn't keep a job I could barely support myself let alone kids so I got a vasectomy at age 30 which took some convincing because doctors are reticent to perform it when someone is so young. I never wanted kids because I didn't think the world was a good place to raise them and I was unable to be a proper father.

After my mom passed I moved again and got a job in IT (I'd been building and messing around with computers my whole life so while I didn't have any tickets or formal education I at least had the skills). The one great thing about that job is that I was able to make my own hours. So I managed to squeak out a living with my girlfriend for 10 years.

While I always had problems with my neck and back (when in bed my gf couldn't even put her arm around me as it would cause too much pain in my back) I started getting severe muscle pain that would incapacitate me. The only good thing is that it would only last for about a week before going away which made it somewhat manageable.

I saw plenty of doctor's and got scans, prodded and probed but never found a solution. The pain started lasting 2 weeks then a month until one day the pain never went away. Thankfully my doctor was willing to prescribe pain meds which let me work for a few more years.

Although I think that was a bad move on my part. By the end, I had to give my boss notice that I wasn't able to work anymore and gave a month notice. I was in such bad shape that I couldn't even do my job which was now only checking the queue for any client requests and then getting someone else to take care of it (I could do this in bed by using a laptop but still it was too much).

Even though I had steady hours then I didn't have to be up until noon and I still managed to sleep in, sometimes missing my shift by a couple hours. Thankfully I was lucky and never missed a client.

I had broken up with my gf years earlier (although we were still best friends) and now didn't have a job and couldn't afford to stay where I was. That meant moving back in with my dad, leaving my dog, and leaving the only real friend I had.

I decided to take a 2 week vacation in the Dominican and CTB there. I figured applying 12 or so F patches (50 and 75mcg) would be enough and maybe I could enjoy being at a resort for the time I had left. Due to the pain I only managed to leave the room 4 times for supper before heading straight back to bed and lay in the sun by the pool 3 times. A walk on the beach ended quickly when I stepped in the ocean and a 1 foot wave was enough to put my neck out.

Obviously that attempt failed and I'm back "home" with my dad. The saddest part is that he's in his 90's and I can't even help him shovel snow or mow the lawn. Hell, I can't even do dishes without being in severe pain so use paper plates and plastic cups and utensils.

I could sadly continue but I'm sure everyone gets the point. There isn't a single thing that my health hasn't stolen from me. I've been hoping that Canada would pass bill C-7 but it keeps getting put off and a year later it still hasn't been passed. Due to other circumstances I no longer have a doctor which means no more meds. I'm living off what I got from a recent surgery and what I saved up when I could.

I've got less than 2 months left before unbearable suffering makes my life a literal hell. I refuse to live like that and most importantly don't deserve to live like that. Failure is not an option this time. I think I have enough experience now that I will succeed.

Sorry if this was too long. Maybe I should have made a venting thread or something like that and told the full story.

I feel for everyone who's had a life that necessitates CTB. I feel for your family and friends wether they understand or not. I wish everyone peace, for happiness is not always an option. And for anyone who's under 20'ish, I hope you can find a way to hang on to see if life will get better. While it may not happen, you deserve the opportunity and chance to have your life change for the better.

If there is ever a time in someone's life where there is hope, it's when you are young and the future can hold promise (I know that doesn't apply to everyone but there are always exceptions to the rule).

For anyone who made it this far (and those that didn't) I wish you nothing but the best no matter what that means to you.