juststitches
give me something to forget.
- Mar 9, 2023
- 14
Hi, SaSu community! It's been a while. I am aware this is sort of an unnecesary post since well, i'ts not like anyone in this forum knows me or I've had that significant interactions around here, but I thought maybe this could help me vent and feel not better but at least somewhat relieved; and if there's any chance someone is going through the same or living a similar situation, I hope they feel at least a little less alone.
Last time I logged in was around start of April 2023, and I had decided I wanted to get better. I don't even remember my thought process at the moment but I remember I sort of had that idea of generally improving my life. I guess I haven't gotten it exactly "the worst", in these months I finally gave up stupid hollow dating apps, and met someone there who is actually worth knowing who has changed my life for the better. I think that has been my favorite part of last year. My life hasn't been up to anything particulary interesting, I didn't even noted how it got so bad again. I guess the most remarkable thing I did was cut off almost all my friends from my life around September since I had a reason to not want any of them as friends anymore. I stayed around my three closest people who I think I genuinely love and care about. I don't think it was like, a traumatic particular event that changed it all or something? It's been more of a constant, slowly disappointing realization that my life is actually not worth living.
From small negative experiences throughout the months, I'm just so terrified of keep being alive. I guess everything has acumulated again, making it unbearable keep going.
I returned to this forum outta nowhere because I didn't even remember it existed, and a couple of days ago, I actually logged in to delete my account. I actually sent the petition to get it deleted; but the next day, I just had to reactivate it. I couldn't do it. I don't think I'm ready to leave this forum, and honestly, it has helped me very positively these couple of days and in the past when I first made my account. It's good for me, knowing that there's people like me, that there is a place where I can discuss without fear of being made fun of or not taken seriously.
I think, one of the things that have affected me the most, ironically, has been Wi-Fi being installed on my house. Constant access to the internet and just the bullshit that is in simple daily places like the YouTube comment section kinda fock me up. There's some really shitty people in the internet and YouTube has lately became, in my opinion, such a trashy and unregulated plataform where the algorithm will suggest you. I'd be peacefully searching a recipe for chocolate chip cookies and outta nowhere there's like 10 videos titled something like "WHY I THINK TRANSGENDER PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE AND THEY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL OF THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS". I'm just like, damn. Also, one of the issues I've developed that has always been in my life since I was very little is masturbation, porn addiction and hypersexuality due all the CSA and SA I've gone through. It's honestly very nasty, I despise myself for it but I don't know how to stop. It's especially worse considering I don't think I even like sex, I was so happy back when I adressed myself as a sex-repulsed asexual and I think I was genuinely just enjoying myself instead of performing sexual behaviours because I feel forced to, like it's the only thing others want for me or the only way I can make people happy. I think graphic sexual content has brainwashed me to the point of not being able to think about anything else. I'm constantly in physical and exahusting pain just because of it. It's eating me alive.
Another thing I can highlight is how absolutely MORTIFIED I am when I go outside. Gender dysphoria has become one of my biggest struggles and something I can no longer endure without breaking down very easily. I cannot stop thinking of how disgusting I look all the time, how much I hate my body because it's not the way its supposed to look, it doesn't reflect who I really am or how I truly feel. I think I look gruesome with everything I try on and no matter how much I try to, I'm not able to pass as I used to. Am I not trying hard enough? Have I gained that much weight? What is it that gives it away?
Misgender affects me much more than it used to. It's always been bad but now I can no longer take it without having a breakdown. I think cisgender people will never get it. It's like, a reminder of the thing you're terrified the most. A reminder of what you're trying to escape so bad, of what you try to forget everyday. It's a reminder I don't have the body others and even myself expect me to have. A reminder of every single femenine feature I try so bad to hide and change every time I go outside. A reminder of everything I hate so badly of myself. A reminder I will never be enough. It's like a punch in the face after you spent at least 3 hours trying to make sure everything about yourself was acceptable at least. I've been harassed on the streets, and recently had a very scary experience with my partner after an asshole just insulted us outta nowhere and I showed him the middle finger. He started calling his "contacts" and telling us he was going to hurt us and just started following us. A very fun experience when I've been followed before and I have persecutory delusions! Yay! My social anxiety, fear of interacting with others and simply people generally perceiving me have swallowed me whole.
In general, I think I'm just tired. Tired of the people. Tired of being afraid of making new friends because of how much people have let me down in the past. Tired of the negligence of the Mexican healthcare system and how little shit gives about me and helping me. I'm tired of going to this stupid hospital where they literally do nothing to help me, even when I've changed doctors, just telling me "take these pills that do absolutely nothing than having weird reactions on your body (they literally make me lactate and as a trans person i cannot even put into words how much that made me want to off myself my mom administrates meds to me since my last suicide attempt by overdose but I've managed to pretend I take them when I'm not, I've stopped taking them since a month ago and thankfully that weirdass shit doesn't happen to me anymore) and have you sedated most of the time not allowing you to even think straight". I opened up about my suicidal ideation in the past appointments and my fucking doctor told me "Well, but you're kind of stable, am I wrong? You're mostly doing fine. It's not like you're going to do anything anyway", I'm never getting the help I need. I'm never getting properly diagnosed and will never be given the proper meds to function and make my miserable life at least a bit more bearable. I'm SO TIRED of people preaching so bad about therapy. "Go to therapy
" What if literally no therapist I can afford accepts transgender patients? What if, as someone with D.I.D, 90% of the "professionals" still believe it's a made up mental illness despite of the scientific evidence that proves it's real? What the fuck, people like me, who are outcasts in literally EVERYTHING we do are supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?
I'm tired of all the trauma, of all the memories, of all the pain. What do I do with this suffering? Years have passed, yet, I am stuck in the exact same day. The only thing I can do to make the voices and thoughts go away is taking myself off with them.
I want to live. I truly do. I want to learn all that beauty people always talk about, I want to find all those things people seem to feel so happy to feel alive about. There's so much I find beautiful and mesmerizing about this universe, but I can't make myself to stay alive for it. I can't seem to make it be enough. I'm sorry.
A couple of years ago, I used to call myself "chronically suicidal". It feels that, no matter how much I try to escape from this, I always come back to this mindset, these set of thoughts. Maybe it's just how my brain is wired. As one of my favorite movies said, "Some things, once you've loved them, become yours forever. And if you try to let them go... They only circle back and return to you. They become part of who you are... or they destroy you." That right there, is my relationship with death. I can't help but feel comforted by the idea of it. By the peace of its embrace; I won't let go.
As a lot of people in this forum, I wish I could find a way to make my loved ones not suffer about me leaving. I used to be so scared of my parents reaction about me killing myself, but as selfish as it might sound, I don't think I care as much anymore. They have hurt me until my core, in ways I can't even put into words. I only care about leaving my partner, my two best friends and my cat behind, those I truly love with all of me.
I hope I can find peace soon, whatever way it comes of. Thanks for reading until here, take care.
Last time I logged in was around start of April 2023, and I had decided I wanted to get better. I don't even remember my thought process at the moment but I remember I sort of had that idea of generally improving my life. I guess I haven't gotten it exactly "the worst", in these months I finally gave up stupid hollow dating apps, and met someone there who is actually worth knowing who has changed my life for the better. I think that has been my favorite part of last year. My life hasn't been up to anything particulary interesting, I didn't even noted how it got so bad again. I guess the most remarkable thing I did was cut off almost all my friends from my life around September since I had a reason to not want any of them as friends anymore. I stayed around my three closest people who I think I genuinely love and care about. I don't think it was like, a traumatic particular event that changed it all or something? It's been more of a constant, slowly disappointing realization that my life is actually not worth living.
From small negative experiences throughout the months, I'm just so terrified of keep being alive. I guess everything has acumulated again, making it unbearable keep going.
I returned to this forum outta nowhere because I didn't even remember it existed, and a couple of days ago, I actually logged in to delete my account. I actually sent the petition to get it deleted; but the next day, I just had to reactivate it. I couldn't do it. I don't think I'm ready to leave this forum, and honestly, it has helped me very positively these couple of days and in the past when I first made my account. It's good for me, knowing that there's people like me, that there is a place where I can discuss without fear of being made fun of or not taken seriously.
I think, one of the things that have affected me the most, ironically, has been Wi-Fi being installed on my house. Constant access to the internet and just the bullshit that is in simple daily places like the YouTube comment section kinda fock me up. There's some really shitty people in the internet and YouTube has lately became, in my opinion, such a trashy and unregulated plataform where the algorithm will suggest you. I'd be peacefully searching a recipe for chocolate chip cookies and outta nowhere there's like 10 videos titled something like "WHY I THINK TRANSGENDER PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE AND THEY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL OF THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS". I'm just like, damn. Also, one of the issues I've developed that has always been in my life since I was very little is masturbation, porn addiction and hypersexuality due all the CSA and SA I've gone through. It's honestly very nasty, I despise myself for it but I don't know how to stop. It's especially worse considering I don't think I even like sex, I was so happy back when I adressed myself as a sex-repulsed asexual and I think I was genuinely just enjoying myself instead of performing sexual behaviours because I feel forced to, like it's the only thing others want for me or the only way I can make people happy. I think graphic sexual content has brainwashed me to the point of not being able to think about anything else. I'm constantly in physical and exahusting pain just because of it. It's eating me alive.
Another thing I can highlight is how absolutely MORTIFIED I am when I go outside. Gender dysphoria has become one of my biggest struggles and something I can no longer endure without breaking down very easily. I cannot stop thinking of how disgusting I look all the time, how much I hate my body because it's not the way its supposed to look, it doesn't reflect who I really am or how I truly feel. I think I look gruesome with everything I try on and no matter how much I try to, I'm not able to pass as I used to. Am I not trying hard enough? Have I gained that much weight? What is it that gives it away?
Misgender affects me much more than it used to. It's always been bad but now I can no longer take it without having a breakdown. I think cisgender people will never get it. It's like, a reminder of the thing you're terrified the most. A reminder of what you're trying to escape so bad, of what you try to forget everyday. It's a reminder I don't have the body others and even myself expect me to have. A reminder of every single femenine feature I try so bad to hide and change every time I go outside. A reminder of everything I hate so badly of myself. A reminder I will never be enough. It's like a punch in the face after you spent at least 3 hours trying to make sure everything about yourself was acceptable at least. I've been harassed on the streets, and recently had a very scary experience with my partner after an asshole just insulted us outta nowhere and I showed him the middle finger. He started calling his "contacts" and telling us he was going to hurt us and just started following us. A very fun experience when I've been followed before and I have persecutory delusions! Yay! My social anxiety, fear of interacting with others and simply people generally perceiving me have swallowed me whole.
In general, I think I'm just tired. Tired of the people. Tired of being afraid of making new friends because of how much people have let me down in the past. Tired of the negligence of the Mexican healthcare system and how little shit gives about me and helping me. I'm tired of going to this stupid hospital where they literally do nothing to help me, even when I've changed doctors, just telling me "take these pills that do absolutely nothing than having weird reactions on your body (they literally make me lactate and as a trans person i cannot even put into words how much that made me want to off myself my mom administrates meds to me since my last suicide attempt by overdose but I've managed to pretend I take them when I'm not, I've stopped taking them since a month ago and thankfully that weirdass shit doesn't happen to me anymore) and have you sedated most of the time not allowing you to even think straight". I opened up about my suicidal ideation in the past appointments and my fucking doctor told me "Well, but you're kind of stable, am I wrong? You're mostly doing fine. It's not like you're going to do anything anyway", I'm never getting the help I need. I'm never getting properly diagnosed and will never be given the proper meds to function and make my miserable life at least a bit more bearable. I'm SO TIRED of people preaching so bad about therapy. "Go to therapy
" What if literally no therapist I can afford accepts transgender patients? What if, as someone with D.I.D, 90% of the "professionals" still believe it's a made up mental illness despite of the scientific evidence that proves it's real? What the fuck, people like me, who are outcasts in literally EVERYTHING we do are supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?I'm tired of all the trauma, of all the memories, of all the pain. What do I do with this suffering? Years have passed, yet, I am stuck in the exact same day. The only thing I can do to make the voices and thoughts go away is taking myself off with them.
I want to live. I truly do. I want to learn all that beauty people always talk about, I want to find all those things people seem to feel so happy to feel alive about. There's so much I find beautiful and mesmerizing about this universe, but I can't make myself to stay alive for it. I can't seem to make it be enough. I'm sorry.
A couple of years ago, I used to call myself "chronically suicidal". It feels that, no matter how much I try to escape from this, I always come back to this mindset, these set of thoughts. Maybe it's just how my brain is wired. As one of my favorite movies said, "Some things, once you've loved them, become yours forever. And if you try to let them go... They only circle back and return to you. They become part of who you are... or they destroy you." That right there, is my relationship with death. I can't help but feel comforted by the idea of it. By the peace of its embrace; I won't let go.
As a lot of people in this forum, I wish I could find a way to make my loved ones not suffer about me leaving. I used to be so scared of my parents reaction about me killing myself, but as selfish as it might sound, I don't think I care as much anymore. They have hurt me until my core, in ways I can't even put into words. I only care about leaving my partner, my two best friends and my cat behind, those I truly love with all of me.
I hope I can find peace soon, whatever way it comes of. Thanks for reading until here, take care.
