I have here a list with possible ideas for threads. Yeah I chose that despite the fact it is already quite late where I live.
I read this David Foster Wallace story Good Old Neon some weeks ago. I love this narration it is a masterpiece. The protagonist describes his struggle with life. He describes what leads him to commit suicide. (The author commited suicide 3 years later.)
The person describes to be a fraud. Through and through. He despises himself on a level for that that is unbearable. I think there were many biographical references about the author. Though my teachers always told me to be careful about assuming that.
The protagonist is very hard on himself. In such a brutal way. One person in the Youtube comments put it rightly if you read it you just want to hug DFW and tell him he is not that bad. Though I think this would not have changed much. He is incredible tough towards himself.
I can relate to many parts. It similar but not exactly the same. DFW was very neurotic and I can relate so much. I usually don't have extreme self-hatred but I pressure myself in an insane way nearly every single day. The protagonist tries so much in the story and DFW did in the real life also a lot to avoid suicide.
But he saw no escape.
I don't think it is exactly the imposter syndrom. But I had the feeling there are some parallels, Would have been interest to hear DFW thoughts about that. The protagonist is extremely smart. He can analyze situations perfecly. He often manipulates people without to ability to stop doing that. He always wants to leave a certain impression in the mind of another person. (I can relate so fucking much on that point.) He wants to be seen as an honest, (morally) upright, exceptional good person etc. ( I want to be seen as exceptionally smart by the way) And in most cases he gets what he want. But this does not mean anything to him. He rather acts out of anxiety. Anxiety and compulsion is rather his impetus. (Here again I relate so much.) Even if he gets what he wants he does not feel any satisfaction he rather has the anxiety not to achieve it again. (I partly relate but not fully.) DFW got attention, had sex with many women, did drugs. And the protagonist is very similar to him.
In book reviews they reiterate that the protagoist is a fraud. In the story the protagonist can prove with his logic that he is a fraud and for example his psychoanalyst is way too stupid to find thinking fallacies in the mind of the author. I am pretty sure I also would not have been a big help for DFW. I am not sure whether he really was a fraud, I rather have the feeling he just falsely feels this way.
I had some similar thoughts when I was younger. But in the end I rejected many of them. Here are some possible reasons why. Maybe I am not smart enough to manipulate people. My ex therapist told me I might have the imposter syndrom. And yeah sometimes I feel like an imposter. But for doing really sophisticated manipulation I think I am too stupid, honest and a too bad liar.
I had the feeling many of my thoughts were overthinking. It felt kind of insular and a little bit narcissistic. (I hate to spell that word lol) I don't know I think it is natural wanting to leave a certain impression.
In fact we are all gatekeepers to our own self. There are so many inner thoughts (sometimes not even spelled properly out in our own mind) which we don't tell anyone. There are so many parts of our identity and personality which we don't tell the people around us. I talk with my best friend also about very very stigmatized and taboo topics. And we agree on some observations that many people would never admit certain behaviors. I would also not tell about them in this forum. By the way DFW was also a brilliant observer to point out some of these behaviors.
But DFW had the feeling even admitting such behaviors does not set him free. He was in a labyrinth without any escape. It is such a sad story. Maybe this sounds kind of pejorative but I think DFW should have been more critical about some other behaviors. He criticized himself for some very sophisticated rather minor "crimes". But many women told after his death that he was pretty abusive in their relationship. I think he should have been more critical about that and not about complex mind games. Maybe that sounds a little but judgmental and arrogant. I don't know.
I think the problem was DFW was self-aware that he was very harsh towards himself. But he could not do something about it. Nothing helped. He was a prisoner of his own mind. He demanded inhuman standards on himself. I can relate to that a lot. ( For example due to OCD behavior. There is just no way to switch that off.)
Some people struggle much to feel authentic. I hope some of my thought are insightful or helpful. Thanks for reading it. Hugs :)
I read this David Foster Wallace story Good Old Neon some weeks ago. I love this narration it is a masterpiece. The protagonist describes his struggle with life. He describes what leads him to commit suicide. (The author commited suicide 3 years later.)
The person describes to be a fraud. Through and through. He despises himself on a level for that that is unbearable. I think there were many biographical references about the author. Though my teachers always told me to be careful about assuming that.
The protagonist is very hard on himself. In such a brutal way. One person in the Youtube comments put it rightly if you read it you just want to hug DFW and tell him he is not that bad. Though I think this would not have changed much. He is incredible tough towards himself.
I can relate to many parts. It similar but not exactly the same. DFW was very neurotic and I can relate so much. I usually don't have extreme self-hatred but I pressure myself in an insane way nearly every single day. The protagonist tries so much in the story and DFW did in the real life also a lot to avoid suicide.
But he saw no escape.
I don't think it is exactly the imposter syndrom. But I had the feeling there are some parallels, Would have been interest to hear DFW thoughts about that. The protagonist is extremely smart. He can analyze situations perfecly. He often manipulates people without to ability to stop doing that. He always wants to leave a certain impression in the mind of another person. (I can relate so fucking much on that point.) He wants to be seen as an honest, (morally) upright, exceptional good person etc. ( I want to be seen as exceptionally smart by the way) And in most cases he gets what he want. But this does not mean anything to him. He rather acts out of anxiety. Anxiety and compulsion is rather his impetus. (Here again I relate so much.) Even if he gets what he wants he does not feel any satisfaction he rather has the anxiety not to achieve it again. (I partly relate but not fully.) DFW got attention, had sex with many women, did drugs. And the protagonist is very similar to him.
In book reviews they reiterate that the protagoist is a fraud. In the story the protagonist can prove with his logic that he is a fraud and for example his psychoanalyst is way too stupid to find thinking fallacies in the mind of the author. I am pretty sure I also would not have been a big help for DFW. I am not sure whether he really was a fraud, I rather have the feeling he just falsely feels this way.
I had some similar thoughts when I was younger. But in the end I rejected many of them. Here are some possible reasons why. Maybe I am not smart enough to manipulate people. My ex therapist told me I might have the imposter syndrom. And yeah sometimes I feel like an imposter. But for doing really sophisticated manipulation I think I am too stupid, honest and a too bad liar.
I had the feeling many of my thoughts were overthinking. It felt kind of insular and a little bit narcissistic. (I hate to spell that word lol) I don't know I think it is natural wanting to leave a certain impression.
In fact we are all gatekeepers to our own self. There are so many inner thoughts (sometimes not even spelled properly out in our own mind) which we don't tell anyone. There are so many parts of our identity and personality which we don't tell the people around us. I talk with my best friend also about very very stigmatized and taboo topics. And we agree on some observations that many people would never admit certain behaviors. I would also not tell about them in this forum. By the way DFW was also a brilliant observer to point out some of these behaviors.
But DFW had the feeling even admitting such behaviors does not set him free. He was in a labyrinth without any escape. It is such a sad story. Maybe this sounds kind of pejorative but I think DFW should have been more critical about some other behaviors. He criticized himself for some very sophisticated rather minor "crimes". But many women told after his death that he was pretty abusive in their relationship. I think he should have been more critical about that and not about complex mind games. Maybe that sounds a little but judgmental and arrogant. I don't know.
I think the problem was DFW was self-aware that he was very harsh towards himself. But he could not do something about it. Nothing helped. He was a prisoner of his own mind. He demanded inhuman standards on himself. I can relate to that a lot. ( For example due to OCD behavior. There is just no way to switch that off.)
Some people struggle much to feel authentic. I hope some of my thought are insightful or helpful. Thanks for reading it. Hugs :)
