Venting What do you do when you failed to CTB?

[PlasticFace]

I grew up with a mom and dad who fought, used drugs, and tested the drugs on me. When I was eight years old I was walking to my friend's house to get away from the screaming and the neighborhood cop pulled up next to me. I knew who he was because he lived across the street from me and I would go to his house when my parents fighting got physical. He knew everything that happened to me and didn't care to tell anyone. Anyway, he offered to give me a ride and I agreed because I trusted him. He never brought me to my friend's house. He drove me to his home and dragged me inside. He S/A me and threw me outside to go back home and he said he'd shoot me if I told anyone. He made sure to hold his gun to my head to make that message clear. A couple of days later I told my mom what happened because she saw that something was wrong and she was mad that I wasn't talking to her. I told her what happened and the next thing I know, my dad gets home from work and starts beating the absolute shit out of the cop on his own front lawn. My dad was put in jail and that cop was left to roam free. I've seen him once since then but I'm sure he didn't recognize me since I look so different. The whole town ended up finding out that my dad beat up the "town super-hero" and about what the super-hero did to me. I was ridiculed and made fun of all the way up until I was 14. I had been SHing for years. Cutting to the white. My mom knew but of course, she didn't do anything. I finally tried to CTB for the first time when I was 14. I went into my mom's room and grabbed the gun out of her closet. I knew where it was because she liked to threaten me with it when I wouldn't let her shoot me up with heroin, like I was a test dummy. So I sat on my knees on the dirty, stained, old carpet and shot myself in the face. I ended up needing skin grafts all over my face and neck. So much of my skin was scarred from SH so now I have scars on my face too. With the amount of damage to my skull, they couldn't rebuild my left eye socket, cheekbone, or my chin. The gun had kicked just enough to miss my brain and go through my left side. I'm completely deaf and blind on my left as well as partially paralyzed. My mom moved us to a new town and I had to start high school in a new place. I was already the new kid but now I was also the new kid with a prosthetic face. I was bullied relentlessly. People trying to break it, pull it off, peek under it. People made so many fake stories about me. I made one friend and I had to watch him ruin his own life from drug use. He overdosed and I had to be the one to discover his body. I've tried to CTB so many times and I failed so many times. I'm such a failure. I can't even CTB right. What do you do when you can't even do that?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so incredibly horrific what you've been through, this world really is hell and it's beyond terrifying how suicide methods can potentially go wrong. We really do all deserve the option of a straightforward, peaceful exit so we have the option to just free ourselves. But it's certainly true that humans are responsible for so much of the suffering that exists in this world, it's really disgusting how so many of them just harm other people.

 

[heyrabu]

My heart breaks for you. You are such a strong individual for surviving this long..

Though I don't have the answer to your question, as I too have failed CTB and still doesn't when I'll try ctb again, I do wish you best of luck, my friend.

 

[Tarucest]

I grew up with a mom and dad who fought, used drugs, and tested the drugs on me. When I was eight years old I was walking to my friend's house to get away from the screaming and the neighborhood cop pulled up next to me. I knew who he was because he lived across the street from me and I would go to his house when my parents fighting got physical. He knew everything that happened to me and didn't care to tell anyone. Anyway, he offered to give me a ride and I agreed because I trusted him. He never brought me to my friend's house. He drove me to his home and dragged me inside. He S/A me and threw me outside to go back home and he said he'd shoot me if I told anyone. He made sure to hold his gun to my head to make that message clear. A couple of days later I told my mom what happened because she saw that something was wrong and she was mad that I wasn't talking to her. I told her what happened and the next thing I know, my dad gets home from work and starts beating the absolute shit out of the cop on his own front lawn. My dad was put in jail and that cop was left to roam free. I've seen him once since then but I'm sure he didn't recognize me since I look so different. The whole town ended up finding out that my dad beat up the "town super-hero" and about what the super-hero did to me. I was ridiculed and made fun of all the way up until I was 14. I had been SHing for years. Cutting to the white. My mom knew but of course, she didn't do anything. I finally tried to CTB for the first time when I was 14. I went into my mom's room and grabbed the gun out of her closet. I knew where it was because she liked to threaten me with it when I wouldn't let her shoot me up with heroin, like I was a test dummy. So I sat on my knees on the dirty, stained, old carpet and shot myself in the face. I ended up needing skin grafts all over my face and neck. So much of my skin was scarred from SH so now I have scars on my face too. With the amount of damage to my skull, they couldn't rebuild my left eye socket, cheekbone, or my chin. The gun had kicked just enough to miss my brain and go through my left side. I'm completely deaf and blind on my left as well as partially paralyzed. My mom moved us to a new town and I had to start high school in a new place. I was already the new kid but now I was also the new kid with a prosthetic face. I was bullied relentlessly. People trying to break it, pull it off, peek under it. People made so many fake stories about me. I made one friend and I had to watch him ruin his own life from drug use. He overdosed and I had to be the one to discover his body. I've tried to CTB so many times and I failed so many times. I'm such a failure. I can't even CTB right. What do you do when you can't even do that?

Can i just say you're incredibly strong? Just the sheer amount of bullshit youve been put through at such a young age is horrifying, i commend you for dealing with it. And i sympathize with your pain. You're not a failure, these things are difficult to achieve for anyone unfortunately. You should be over 18, so is there any assisted CBT programs in your country/state? I don't know much about you but if you fit the criteria you could be able too. And peacefully. Its the only thing I can think of that could help. I unfortunately dont know more because since im not physically disabled/my state doesn't allow it, i haven't done any research since its pointless. I wish you the best of luck

 

[PlasticFace]

Can i just say you're incredibly strong? Just the sheer amount of bullshit youve been put through at such a young age is horrifying, i commend you for dealing with it. And i sympathize with your pain. You're not a failure, these things are difficult to achieve for anyone unfortunately. You should be over 18, so is there any assisted CBT programs in your country/state? I don't know much about you but if you fit the criteria you could be able too. And peacefully. Its the only thing I can think of that could help. I unfortunately dont know more because since im not physically disabled/my state doesn't allow it, i haven't done any research since its pointless. I wish you the best of luck

My state does not have anything like this and even if it did, I would not qualify. The "Death with Dignity" law failed to pass and was only for people with terminal illnesses. Not to mention the severe amount of PTSD I have from the hospital alone. I was strapped down in a bed, covered in dried blood and bed sores. They starved me because the medicines I was on made me puke it all up. Hospitals and law enforcement don't actually care about people like us. We are just another statistic to them.

 

[EndlessDream]

I'm so sorry hear about happened and the extreme injustice you experienced. You are so strong to keep on going.

 

[SamTam33]

I regroup and try again.

My past failed attempts left no residual effects. I hate that you tried one of the more effective methods and failed. The fallout from that is on another level.

It makes me angry. And sad. But mostly angry. We're willing to risk everything in order to leave. Our minds and our bodies.

I refuse to give up though. I'm going to undo what my parents did to me.

It will be the last thing I do.