What do you call it...

[softfuzzyman]

when you force yourself to stay alive because you can't bear to hurt others, who have told you that if you CTB it'll ruin their life... but those same people are the cause of your stress and suicidal feelings...

crazy? Is that what one might call that?

I feel so hopeless. I made the mistake of telling others how i feel. Now i'm in some pretty intense and expensive and ""last resort"" treatment and I still feel miserable because nothing has changed about my hopeless little life and the way im treated. It's just a waste of money. I didnt want it in the first place because i knew this and i knew itd just make me feel guilty and wouldnt make me feel any better...... well, i was right... i wish i could just CTB and stop being trapped in this hell but i dont have the guts and have been thoroughly and successfully guilt tripped into not being able to out of not wanting to hurt others who dont give a shit about me. Im so jealous of any who can actually make it work and escape. I know now that it's genuinely hopeless to ever think i can get better, that every time i think that even for a second it only causes me more pain, but that i also cant escape, so i get the honor of being trapped in literal hell for the next 60+ years, praying every day i get into some kind of deadly accident that just ends it sooner for me since im unable to do it myself.

 

[Ghost2211]

It really is hard living for others. It's a daily struggle. All I can really do is empathize with you

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i understand your pain. being forced to live for others is awful. it makes life even more painful than it already is.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm curious as to how others cause your stress and suicidal feelings.

 

[Worndown]

They call it being human.

 

[softfuzzyman]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm curious as to how others cause your stress and suicidal feelings.

I'd say by being judgmental, harsh, manipulative, disapproving of anything I say I want to do while pressuring me to do things but not accepting the things I want to do... at the core though it's really just my fault for being so useless that I can't do shit right and receive that treatment

 

[esse_est_percipi]

crazy? Is that what one might call that?

Maybe some kind of stockholm syndrome? Feelings of guilt and attachment towards those who torment you.
Ultimately, it's your life, not theirs. You don't belong to anyone. I know you probably can't help the way you feel. So much of our emotional lives seem out of our control and overwhelming. But it's not your fault

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'd say by being judgmental, harsh, manipulative, disapproving of anything I say I want to do while pressuring me to do things but not accepting the things I want to do... at the core though it's really just my fault for being so useless that I can't do shit right and receive that treatment

I've never found treatment facilities to be very helpful about anything like this but is it possible you can talk to a therapist there about the treatment you're receiving from others, such that it makes you want to end your life? You don't deserve that treatment. It's controlling and abusive.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

when you force yourself to stay alive because you can't bear to hurt others, who have told you that if you CTB it'll ruin their life... but those same people are the cause of your stress and suicidal feelings...

If an individuals behaviour has hurt you to the point that you want to die, and then they try to make you feel guilty for wanting to end your life, that would make them manipulative. The other things that you have mentioned such as them pressuring you to do as they want, but then not wanting to do the same for you - that is hypocritical. You are not useless. You are the victim of what sounds like abuse.

not wanting to hurt others who dont give a shit about me.

If someone doesn't care about how their behaviour hurts you, and they do not take responsibility for doing that, then you should not feel obligated to care about their feelings or welfare.