nigelhernandez
Experienced
- Apr 14, 2020
- 270
I've been told by doctors that I definitely have a mental disorder but that they're not sure which one so I wanted to ask people who also suffer from them, what I might be afflicted with. This might be a long read so bear with me
Basically my problems started 7 years ago in 2013. I moved school in September 2012 and hated it entirely. It was from a mixed gender school to a single sex school. I felt suicidal depression like never before. My life looked bleak. I also had fleeting thoughts of stabbing my strict teachers who made ma angry by being rude.
Something weird happened over the next few months, my mood improved but like never before. I started getting this weird idea of castration and that once I successfully went through with it, my life would be anxiety free. My belief was that sex and masculinity had brought me into this world through procreation, therefore castrating myself would prevent the possibility of another child ever existing. This idea was removing sexual pleasure and desire. The second one was removing gustatory pleasure ("eating) and I would achieve this by burning my tongue with drain cleaner. I should note that these ideas just sprung into my mind, I never read them anywhere.
By the start of January 2013, I was feeling euphoric and getting less sleep, not by choice but because I felt like it. I also had attempted to burn my tongue by sucking on a benzocaine filled condom and putting drain cleaner. It was painful and took six months to heal. I also burned my testicles. Then in February 2013, I heard a song "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" by Sting. It was the 20th anniversary of the song. I fully believe at the time the song was sending me a message. It's from this song that I got the idea of castration with a microwave. I attempted to cut the holes in the microwave, insert my genitals but it was too painful. The best way to describe microwave energy is like a low level pain of the soreness of being kicked in the nuts while having needles prick your scrotum and heat on them.
Those first 6 months of 2013, were the most euphoric I've ever experienced prior to 2013 and ever since then. I truly felt alive and when I took cocaine at a later date in the future. It felt exactly like that.
I crashed around the end of the year and fell into a depression but didn't realize it. The next year sucked ass. The best way to describe it now is like being on antipsychotics (though I wasn't prescribed them at the time). I had extreme lethargy. During September 2013 to October 2014 my anger was building up. I was now having homicidal thoughts which I didn't have before. This all finally culimnated into me attacking my mother with a knife in November 2014 and almost stabbing her in the eye. My parents took me to a therapist but because they didn't want me to get in trouble, they didn't disclose the reason I was there. Eventually the principal one day called my mother and demanded that she take me to the hospital otherwise I wouldn't go back because there were reports from various students that I was saying disturbing things. I went to a GP who sent me to a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist through a few sessions diagnosed me with Aspergers and first episode psychosis due to the desire to castrate myself and burn my tongue.
I was put on Abilify and although it worked, made me extremely lethargic to the point that I dropped out of school. in Novembe 2015. I was homeschooled until I graduated in June 2017. I basically did nothing and failed my high school examination. It was around 2017 that I got acquainted with drugs for the first time. I had tried alcohol before when I was 12 but it did nothing for me, probably because I wasn't anxious or mentally distressed. Alcohol use eventually escalated to nicotine use, codeine, benzos etc..and I quickly got addicted and sold my stuff.
Fast forward now, I'm still going to a pre-college course and still have these thoughts. I've been told it's probably psychopathic autism mixed with OCD but what do I know.
Basically my problems started 7 years ago in 2013. I moved school in September 2012 and hated it entirely. It was from a mixed gender school to a single sex school. I felt suicidal depression like never before. My life looked bleak. I also had fleeting thoughts of stabbing my strict teachers who made ma angry by being rude.
Something weird happened over the next few months, my mood improved but like never before. I started getting this weird idea of castration and that once I successfully went through with it, my life would be anxiety free. My belief was that sex and masculinity had brought me into this world through procreation, therefore castrating myself would prevent the possibility of another child ever existing. This idea was removing sexual pleasure and desire. The second one was removing gustatory pleasure ("eating) and I would achieve this by burning my tongue with drain cleaner. I should note that these ideas just sprung into my mind, I never read them anywhere.
By the start of January 2013, I was feeling euphoric and getting less sleep, not by choice but because I felt like it. I also had attempted to burn my tongue by sucking on a benzocaine filled condom and putting drain cleaner. It was painful and took six months to heal. I also burned my testicles. Then in February 2013, I heard a song "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" by Sting. It was the 20th anniversary of the song. I fully believe at the time the song was sending me a message. It's from this song that I got the idea of castration with a microwave. I attempted to cut the holes in the microwave, insert my genitals but it was too painful. The best way to describe microwave energy is like a low level pain of the soreness of being kicked in the nuts while having needles prick your scrotum and heat on them.
Those first 6 months of 2013, were the most euphoric I've ever experienced prior to 2013 and ever since then. I truly felt alive and when I took cocaine at a later date in the future. It felt exactly like that.
I crashed around the end of the year and fell into a depression but didn't realize it. The next year sucked ass. The best way to describe it now is like being on antipsychotics (though I wasn't prescribed them at the time). I had extreme lethargy. During September 2013 to October 2014 my anger was building up. I was now having homicidal thoughts which I didn't have before. This all finally culimnated into me attacking my mother with a knife in November 2014 and almost stabbing her in the eye. My parents took me to a therapist but because they didn't want me to get in trouble, they didn't disclose the reason I was there. Eventually the principal one day called my mother and demanded that she take me to the hospital otherwise I wouldn't go back because there were reports from various students that I was saying disturbing things. I went to a GP who sent me to a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist through a few sessions diagnosed me with Aspergers and first episode psychosis due to the desire to castrate myself and burn my tongue.
I was put on Abilify and although it worked, made me extremely lethargic to the point that I dropped out of school. in Novembe 2015. I was homeschooled until I graduated in June 2017. I basically did nothing and failed my high school examination. It was around 2017 that I got acquainted with drugs for the first time. I had tried alcohol before when I was 12 but it did nothing for me, probably because I wasn't anxious or mentally distressed. Alcohol use eventually escalated to nicotine use, codeine, benzos etc..and I quickly got addicted and sold my stuff.
Fast forward now, I'm still going to a pre-college course and still have these thoughts. I've been told it's probably psychopathic autism mixed with OCD but what do I know.
