What did it all mean for you?

[Csmith8827]

I think someone posted something similar to this already but I did a search for it and couldn't find the thread.

I was drinking yesterday (which is bad, I've cut pack tremendously over the past month...had like a month where I didn't drink at all and it's only been a few beers like twice a week this past few weeks) but yesterday when I got outta work I felt like the world was attacking me or something... anyway I was pretty ticked off about it so I drank quite a bit.

During my second/third beer while I was listening to music I was just thinking over my life... I'm 35...and I was just like "what did it all mean?" Like not looking for any intrinsic meaning but like my individual story more so. I couldn't really come up with anything except that beauty and looks can really go to your head (pride) more so and cause you to believe crazy things... and that drugs can ruin your life and make you think crazy stuff as well. When I was like 20 years old I toyed with the idea that I was God somehow in my mind. I came up with this crazy theory based off like Buddhism that I was deceiving myself that I wasn't God by experiencing life as a human or some crap. I was crazy gone off various drugs and had been smoking marijuana non-stop since I was like 14. I also "had it made"..(car money, job, looks, etc.) Low and behold I had a bad overdose on hydrocodone and slammed my head into a brick wall thus kinda ruining my looks. I had 1 surgery and it didn't go good and every other one I've tried to have somehow it's gotten sabotaged. I'm planning on saving up and finally having it done towards the end of the summer or August/September.

The Bible talks about the pride of someone's own countenance and how that can interfere with that individual seeking God or believing in God in the book of Psalms. In Ezekiel 28 it talks about a king who said in his heart/believed in his heart he was a God and not simply a human being.

Well I had to find out the hard way I'm not God and it's been a rough time. I've experienced tremendous suffering and heartache about that injury. It's left me looking jacked up (deformed even) and unless I wear a hat or bandana it's pretty noticable. It's just so sad because I had a perfect body but due to drugs and pride I forfeited it. One mistake changed my life forever and I've been paying for it ever since.

So what did your life story mean, or was there any meaning to it?

This is the song I was listening to as I was going over what did it all mean in my head. I think it goes well with the theme of the post and it's from a great Anime (Attack on Titan) which has an amazing story.



P.S. also that family is an amazing thing and kinda always there for you as much as they can be kinda/sorta.

 

[sserafim]

What did my life mean? Nothing. I don't know what I supposedly came here to achieve in this life. I've gained nothing from this life experience. I've learnt nothing from it. I honestly would prefer to never even have existed at all. Life has caused me more harm than good and I just don't enjoy it. It's sad that I was forced into it against my will. In my case, it didn't mean anything at all

 

[NeedAnEscape]

Life is what you make of it, I suppose. I've tried to find meaning through my relationships and the work I do. But, I just don't feel grounded to the world, and I lack a sense of 'place.' Words are the most powerful possession I have, and I've tried to use them to boost understanding with others, communicate emotions and themes to audiences, and construct ideas through evidence and reasoning. But, my words also allow me to reflect on my journey and the miseries it has brought along the way. I don't feel at peace, and I don't think I ever will. I don't believe that I am going to get better. The solace I once found in my relationships has been shaken, and I lack the faith needed to keep pushing forward.

 

[sserafim]

But, I just don't feel grounded to the world, and I lack a sense of 'place.' I don't feel at peace, and I don't think I ever will.

Same. I also lack a sense of place. I just don't belong in this world. I have a fundamental feeling of not belonging anywhere. I don't want to feel grounded to the world though. I'm someone with my head in the clouds. I'm a dreamer, and I've always preferred dreams to reality

 

[NeedAnEscape]

Same. I also lack a sense of place. I just don't belong in this world. I have a fundamental feeling of not belonging anywhere. I don't want to feel grounded to the world though. I'm someone with my head in the clouds. I'm a dreamer, and I've always preferred dreams to reality

I suppose I want my dreams to be part of my reality. But, dreams are dreams for a reason.

 

[sserafim]

I suppose I want my dreams to be part of my reality. But, dreams are dreams for a reason.

True. I've also always been an escapist because I don't want face reality. My whole life since graduating college has been a form of escapism. I think that being a NEET allows you to escape reality and the responsibilities that come with adulthood and life. Unfortunately, my NEEThood is coming to an end though. I'm being forced to come out of it and enter the real world. I wish that I could be sheltered from life forever

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

I think someone posted something similar to this already but I did a search for it and couldn't find the thread.

I was drinking yesterday (which is bad, I've cut pack tremendously over the past month...had like a month where I didn't drink at all and it's only been a few beers like twice a week this past few weeks) but yesterday when I got outta work I felt like the world was attacking me or something... anyway I was pretty ticked off about it so I drank quite a bit.

During my second/third beer while I was listening to music I was just thinking over my life... I'm 35...and I was just like "what did it all mean?" Like not looking for any intrinsic meaning but like my individual story more so. I couldn't really come up with anything except that beauty and looks can really go to your head (pride) more so and cause you to believe crazy things... and that drugs can ruin your life and make you think crazy stuff as well. When I was like 20 years old I toyed with the idea that I was God somehow in my mind. I came up with this crazy theory based off like Buddhism that I was deceiving myself that I wasn't God by experiencing life as a human or some crap. I was crazy gone off various drugs and had been smoking marijuana non-stop since I was like 14. I also "had it made"..(car money, job, looks, etc.) Low and behold I had a bad overdose on hydrocodone and slammed my head into a brick wall thus kinda ruining my looks. I had 1 surgery and it didn't go good and every other one I've tried to have somehow it's gotten sabotaged. I'm planning on saving up and finally having it done towards the end of the summer or August/September.

The Bible talks about the pride of someone's own countenance and how that can interfere with that individual seeking God or believing in God in the book of Psalms. In Ezekiel 28 it talks about a king who said in his heart/believed in his heart he was a God and not simply a human being.

Well I had to find out the hard way I'm not God and it's been a rough time. I've experienced tremendous suffering and heartache about that injury. It's left me looking jacked up (deformed even) and unless I wear a hat or bandana it's pretty noticable. It's just so sad because I had a perfect body but due to drugs and pride I forfeited it. One mistake changed my life forever and I've been paying for it ever since.

So what did your life story mean, or was there any meaning to it?

This is the song I was listening to as I was going over what did it all mean in my head. I think it goes well with the theme of the post and it's from a great Anime (Attack on Titan) which has an amazing story.



P.S. also that family is an amazing thing and kinda always there for you as much as they can be kinda/sorta.

Thanks for sharing your story. Did you have childhood abuse/trauma? Curious to know what led you to the drug use.

 

[Csmith8827]

I mean... what do you mean by trauma? I was exposed to pornography at like 7 or 8 years old, possibly 9 even and got hooked on gay porn at 12 so I think that just all spiraled me out sent me in the wrong direction. I started abusing alcohol at about 7 or 8 or 9 as well. I just had a really bad upbringing. I tried pot at the age of 14 but it was mostly due to peer pressure and hearing that my brother smoked...

I started smoking pot in middle school, which led to taking ecstasy in high school, which led to lsd, cocaine, crystal meth, pharmaceuticals, etc...

Yeah I was really spun out on a lot of drugs.

I've recently turned to God and been attending church. I've tried in the past but fallen away or backslid for various reasons. This time I'm hoping that doesn't happen...I needed God to open a door for my employment and He has. I never really worked too hard growing up... so I'm kinda getting a late start. I mean I worked but I'd always quit every job I had... without giving notice even so I think I burned a lot of bridges. I worked for my dad a bit but I kinda ruined that as well.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It doesn't matter what anything means to me, what matters is what it means to others since they are all better than me. Everyone is better than me. The only meaning my life has is to serve as a cautionary tale for what kind of person not to be. Or maybe the meaning of my life is to be propped up as some type of effigy to ridicule and deface.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

It doesn't matter what anything means to me, what matters is what it means to others since they are all better than me. Everyone is better than me. The only meaning my life has is to serve as a cautionary tale for what kind of person not to be. Or maybe the meaning of my life is to be propped up as some type of effigy to ridicule and deface.

A man (or woman) who ctbs shows resolve and dignity at the least. I feel that enduring this hell without ending it is an unbearable humiliation.

 

[Lostandlooking]

What did my life story mean? It's hard to think about my life as significant. More than anything I think I realized the insignificance of my life.

Still, you can ascribe individual meaning, life lessons learned and such. For me it's mainly disillusionment. Despite my priviliges I feel like I failed at life. I was considered smart growing up. And I worked hard at school and any job I had. Though I was also called naive sometimes. And I always struggled with anxiety. Got diagnosed with autism in my adulthood. So what I learned from my experiences is that hard work doesn't pay off. It all comes down to being good at socializing, networking, enjoying people's company, being quick and smart with words, being assertive and loud. It doesn't matter if you try to be a good person or not. It's a dog eat dog world. All that matters in society is your productivity and your ability to participate. People will hurt you to assert their superiority to the group. Sometimes people unintentionally hurt you because they just don't understand. Telling them it hurts doesn't matter because they never experienced the kind of pain you're experiencing. So in reality, some of my difficulties don't even exist.

This leaves me alone and isolated. Never truly able to connect to anyone anymore. And unable to participate in society. For now I'm hoping noone will force me to do anything. But that might change at any time.

In the end if things turn out okay and I'm left alone I'll give my life meaning by enjoying small things. Playing video games, enjoying the sunshine, eating nice food. And trying to be a good friend to the people I'm still friends with. And I'll try to minimize the destruction I cause to the environment.

 

[NullSz00]

I've always thought that I've been mostly living for others, but I never saw that as a bad thing. So, I guess the meaning of my life was just that, at some point in my life I realized that I'm a bad person, I never deserved any happiness and I never even deserved to be born, do what others tell me to and hope they're happy with that, because they deserve happiness. I think that's one of the things that are stopping me to ctb.

I know it sounds crazy and weird but it's what I think.

 

[Dark Moon]

I didn't really learn much if anything at all. Me being autistic I didn't really get the help I needed at the right time, therefore I couldn't follow the traditional life path. I don't fit in nor pass society anyway and I've been in isolation since finishing college. I might have strayed from god too because I wasn't going to church often.