Why do you think you would have forgiven him back when you hinted at it, but not now? I assume the total amount of cheating hasn't changed, just the length of time since it happened? If you were in the right all this time but didn't even feel confident enough to admit you had snooped, what makes you think he felt any more confident to admit he had cheated?
If you still feel like you can't admit snooping (which is pretty ridiculous seeing as you're quite willing to kill yourself instead!), what if you make up a situation where you just now learned of the cheating, without snooping, and can therefore confront him with it while you are still alive? Make up that a friend just told you about it recently, or something similar. Even an 'anonymous' text to you.
How long ago was it that he cheated?
Assuming that it was in recent years, rather than back when you first got together 18 years ago, you do realise that people's feelings can change and, yes, they can even be unfaithful? But that doesn't mean that everything
before the cheating 'was all a lie'. That kind of magical thinking is how children view relationships, not mature adults.
No offence, but from the strength of your bitterness in these various threads, I really can't imagine you have managed to completely conceal it all from him and act like 'the most amazing partner'.
Christ, your attitude sounds as shallow and superficial as the OP's.
This. Exactly this.
Overall
@Saddaisy, your attitude to relationships, physical appearance and revenge all strike me as highly petty and juvenile and ultimately far more hurtful to
yourself than to those you feel have wronged you. And believe me, it's quite an achievement to still come across as the worse person in a relationship despite it being your own narration of events!
Although you don't seem willing to reconsider the need for suicide itself, perhaps something else more superficial might motivate you to change your approach. From the way you come across in your posts, assuming your suicide notes are even half as honest, you are going to appear bitter and unhinged in the memory you leave behind for others. That's not to say your 'evidence' won't neccesarily be believed, but I do think the people in your life are going to be unsurprised and unsympathetic that your boyfriend cheated on you, if your current attitude is an indication of what your personality was like back at the time he supposedly strayed.
