annasplight
endless grief
- Aug 6, 2024
- 36
Hi everyone, I'm Anna, or annasplight. It feels strange to take on this name, but I kind of like it.
I'm going to give you guys the story of how I made it here, and what entirely ruined my life. I understand what I did was wrong, but please go easy on me, people!
So, I had an abusive ex. We were together for quite a while, starting when I was 13 and he was 16. Our relationship had communication issues and I found that we became an on and off couple after a year. However, i believe the second (?) time we got back together, I was young and dumb and asked him to be like those 'yandere' boyfriends (ugh.) I was seeing all over tiktok at the time. Eventually, it went too far with possession and eventual aggression, so although I tried to pump the breaks on the behaviors, I still found myself feeding into it. I couldn't really help myself.
Choking and punching did come along in the relationship, both of which started off consensual, and faded into not being so consensual on my end. I wanted it all to stop, and long story short, everything came to a head where he attempted to break into my home and I placed a restraining order on him.
Now to present day, my now ex boyfriend, A, was someone who was around at the end of the relationship with my abusive ex. On a random Saturday morning, I got a text from this ex with flight confirmation photos to where I had moved to. I freaked out and my boyfriend and ex friends invited me to stay at their place until my abusive ex left. I will admit at the beginning I was freaking out, but it eventually dulled to an internal panic, and I felt as if I were burdening people if I were so freaked out all the time. It became really hard to express how I felt about everything, and on the outside, people thought I seemed very casual about this situation.
I was entirely safe with these friends, but I found myself falling into old habits very quickly with the added stress of my ex being in town and feeling as if he'd hurt me and my friends. These friends did everything they could to protect me, and I compromised my own safety. I could've immediately called police, but I had a massive fear of police, so I delayed it much too long.
I texted my ex and offered up anything he wanted, telling him that if he left my friends alone, I would quietly comply until he left. He wanted me to text him like how we used to talk, wanted me give him that sense of nostalgia, and to say in our texts that I faked him coming out to the state I moved to. So, I did. That's where I messed up. I deleted the text conversation where I had solid proof of him asking me to do these things and deleted the app we texted on. I was having doubts and didn't want to text him initially.
I reinstalled it the next morning and went to work, texting him throughout the day and even getting into trouble for being on my phone so much. I said awful things, and I told him what color I wore, and how long I was working that day. If anyone were to get hurt, I wanted it to be me. If anything, I will admit I was hoping he'd find me at work and finally put me out of my misery. (Savior complex here.)
I won't bore you with the details, but my friends confronted me and asked to see my phone that night. I eventually gave up my phone and let them see all the messages.
I wont sugar coat what I said. I went back into our old habits and brought up things that were a common topic for us. Sleeping pills, him 'kidnapping' me for a few days, keeping me in a loopy state. I told him that I would allow him to do these things on a significant day to us in August. I offered to pay his ticket and the like. I never intended to let him truly do these things, but even if I didn't, they were terrible things to say. I defaulted to things I knew made him happy, defaulted to things I knew would make him calm. He knew that I was the sloppier of the two of us, so we did have a failsafe of me saying 'I faked you coming to X because I want attention, hehe!' just randomly in the texts. It was a way of keeping anyone who found the texts from calling law enforcement and making me look, well, crazy like him.
They were fucking terrible things to say, even if my friends had context. I would tell him the strongest OTC sleeping pills, which was prior knowledge on my part, and just sometimes word for word copy old conversations we had. I fed into his delusions.
I didn't bother explaining myself, I just ran to the bathroom, locked myself in there, and I only had one thought. I wanted to die. There was no way to explain the shit they just saw, and even if I could've, it all looked so terrible that I hardly believed anyone would care even if I didn't mean the things I said.
I injected myself with a fuck ton of insulin right into the stomach. I wasn't thinking, I just wanted it all to be over. A, my now ex, knocked on the door and I let him in. I told him he wouldn't believe what he saw, he wouldn't come back if I let him go down to read the messages. I just blubbered on and on, but eventually let him go to see the messages. I just laid on the floor while he was gone. I knew I had fucked literally everything up.
I eventually tried to run out and leave the house, I don't know where I planned to go, I just wanted nothing more than to get out of the situation, maybe get hit by a car, I don't know. One of my friends followed me out and she stopped me from going. A told everyone what I did with the insulin, and they called the police because of my attempt. He was kind to me until I left, but I kept my head towards the ground when he wasn't speaking to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. My 'friends' said some very horrible things and I couldn't bring myself to try and explain the situation.
I went to the hospital for a few days landing myself in the ICU, and my mom flew out to take care of me before bringing me home. I did try texting friends while I was in the hospital, but it did not go very well. I spent a while trying to prove my innocence to my friends, but there was nothing to prove. I eventually stopped calling my friends and focused on A. I will admit the things that my friends said hurt. Such as 'Kill yourself' and 'If you really wanted to kill yourself, we both know you know how.' A friend implied my previous attempts on my life were fake, because suicide attempts are either 'A cry for help or successful.' It has later come to my knowledge that these friends believe that if I truly wanted to kill myself, I wouldn't have injected in such a 'safe place'. I was broken up with while I was in the ICU over the phone. I was called manipulative, disgusting, a liar, and a host of other names. I had no option other than giving up my apartment and going back to my home state, my friends would never forgive me, even if I had proof.
I'd said terrible things regardless of feeling threatened or not. I said terrible things because I wanted to be the one to save the day. I wanted so badly to be the savior in that situation that I lost everything. I ended up losing A, he said that it just wasn't healthy for us to talk at the moment, and that he needed therapy after everything. Once I got out the hospital, we met one last time, a hug and a forehead kiss while I returned all his things.
I will admit I wasn't the best girlfriend prior to this all. I always wanted his attention and tried hard to get it. I was always in a constant depressed state, which lead to a lot of suicide attempts I backed out of, but he unfortunately knew about. I was too damaged to be in a relationship, but I still tried. I used to take things our friends said way too dramatically, and I would tell him what they said, but I was unaware that I was making him feel unwanted by his friends. I learned that people who I considered to be close friends took this opportunity to lie about things they'd said about A in the past, pushing him further away from me.
I had tons of health issues, and I would make stupid decisions with my health, like drinking while on pills and having a one off seizure, scaring the shit out of him and our friends.
I regret a lot of things. I realize that I have an attention seeking problem, that I have manipulative tendencies. I have a massive savior complex and still have a screw loose from my last relationship. In the easiest terms, I am mentally fucked.
I flew back home to get some intensive therapy. I need it after everything thats happened. I lost A, the first very good thing i've had. I want to get better for myself and to prove that I can function like a normal person, but fuck it's hard. I miss him a lot lol, and i'm already falling into abusing substances and medications because of how badly I fucked up. I don't believe I deserve to live. I have tried to avoid talking about my feelings, I know that's a common thing manipulators do to turn conversations and I am trying not to do that. When I speak about my feelings it's just because I am, admittedly, struggling a fuck ton right now. I'm ashamed I fell into old habits, and I feel nothing more than the heaviest guilt one could possibly feel. I'll have to live with it forever, I will have to deal with people thinking I am a liar for the rest of my life, and that's something I brought upon myself. I can't eat very well, or even go 10 minutes without crying.
Now, what brought me here? Well, last night I decided to attempt to CTB. I ingested an entire bottle of cough medicine and somehow only ended up tripping balls and seemingly no side effects (yet.) I just slept the entire day away and had a phone call with A, where he sounded exasperated to speak to me. I don't think anyone will care about me until I am dead. I think the only way to clear my name from this situation is to die, just to show everyone I didn't lie. My whole life, I haven't been good at making friends. I finally FINALLY had friends and fucked it up.
I found this site after another long ass nap, still reeling from the meds, and i'm hoping to have a chance to be friends with likeminded people.
Thank you all for reading.
I'm going to give you guys the story of how I made it here, and what entirely ruined my life. I understand what I did was wrong, but please go easy on me, people!
So, I had an abusive ex. We were together for quite a while, starting when I was 13 and he was 16. Our relationship had communication issues and I found that we became an on and off couple after a year. However, i believe the second (?) time we got back together, I was young and dumb and asked him to be like those 'yandere' boyfriends (ugh.) I was seeing all over tiktok at the time. Eventually, it went too far with possession and eventual aggression, so although I tried to pump the breaks on the behaviors, I still found myself feeding into it. I couldn't really help myself.
Choking and punching did come along in the relationship, both of which started off consensual, and faded into not being so consensual on my end. I wanted it all to stop, and long story short, everything came to a head where he attempted to break into my home and I placed a restraining order on him.
Now to present day, my now ex boyfriend, A, was someone who was around at the end of the relationship with my abusive ex. On a random Saturday morning, I got a text from this ex with flight confirmation photos to where I had moved to. I freaked out and my boyfriend and ex friends invited me to stay at their place until my abusive ex left. I will admit at the beginning I was freaking out, but it eventually dulled to an internal panic, and I felt as if I were burdening people if I were so freaked out all the time. It became really hard to express how I felt about everything, and on the outside, people thought I seemed very casual about this situation.
I was entirely safe with these friends, but I found myself falling into old habits very quickly with the added stress of my ex being in town and feeling as if he'd hurt me and my friends. These friends did everything they could to protect me, and I compromised my own safety. I could've immediately called police, but I had a massive fear of police, so I delayed it much too long.
I texted my ex and offered up anything he wanted, telling him that if he left my friends alone, I would quietly comply until he left. He wanted me to text him like how we used to talk, wanted me give him that sense of nostalgia, and to say in our texts that I faked him coming out to the state I moved to. So, I did. That's where I messed up. I deleted the text conversation where I had solid proof of him asking me to do these things and deleted the app we texted on. I was having doubts and didn't want to text him initially.
I reinstalled it the next morning and went to work, texting him throughout the day and even getting into trouble for being on my phone so much. I said awful things, and I told him what color I wore, and how long I was working that day. If anyone were to get hurt, I wanted it to be me. If anything, I will admit I was hoping he'd find me at work and finally put me out of my misery. (Savior complex here.)
I won't bore you with the details, but my friends confronted me and asked to see my phone that night. I eventually gave up my phone and let them see all the messages.
I wont sugar coat what I said. I went back into our old habits and brought up things that were a common topic for us. Sleeping pills, him 'kidnapping' me for a few days, keeping me in a loopy state. I told him that I would allow him to do these things on a significant day to us in August. I offered to pay his ticket and the like. I never intended to let him truly do these things, but even if I didn't, they were terrible things to say. I defaulted to things I knew made him happy, defaulted to things I knew would make him calm. He knew that I was the sloppier of the two of us, so we did have a failsafe of me saying 'I faked you coming to X because I want attention, hehe!' just randomly in the texts. It was a way of keeping anyone who found the texts from calling law enforcement and making me look, well, crazy like him.
They were fucking terrible things to say, even if my friends had context. I would tell him the strongest OTC sleeping pills, which was prior knowledge on my part, and just sometimes word for word copy old conversations we had. I fed into his delusions.
I didn't bother explaining myself, I just ran to the bathroom, locked myself in there, and I only had one thought. I wanted to die. There was no way to explain the shit they just saw, and even if I could've, it all looked so terrible that I hardly believed anyone would care even if I didn't mean the things I said.
I injected myself with a fuck ton of insulin right into the stomach. I wasn't thinking, I just wanted it all to be over. A, my now ex, knocked on the door and I let him in. I told him he wouldn't believe what he saw, he wouldn't come back if I let him go down to read the messages. I just blubbered on and on, but eventually let him go to see the messages. I just laid on the floor while he was gone. I knew I had fucked literally everything up.
I eventually tried to run out and leave the house, I don't know where I planned to go, I just wanted nothing more than to get out of the situation, maybe get hit by a car, I don't know. One of my friends followed me out and she stopped me from going. A told everyone what I did with the insulin, and they called the police because of my attempt. He was kind to me until I left, but I kept my head towards the ground when he wasn't speaking to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. My 'friends' said some very horrible things and I couldn't bring myself to try and explain the situation.
I went to the hospital for a few days landing myself in the ICU, and my mom flew out to take care of me before bringing me home. I did try texting friends while I was in the hospital, but it did not go very well. I spent a while trying to prove my innocence to my friends, but there was nothing to prove. I eventually stopped calling my friends and focused on A. I will admit the things that my friends said hurt. Such as 'Kill yourself' and 'If you really wanted to kill yourself, we both know you know how.' A friend implied my previous attempts on my life were fake, because suicide attempts are either 'A cry for help or successful.' It has later come to my knowledge that these friends believe that if I truly wanted to kill myself, I wouldn't have injected in such a 'safe place'. I was broken up with while I was in the ICU over the phone. I was called manipulative, disgusting, a liar, and a host of other names. I had no option other than giving up my apartment and going back to my home state, my friends would never forgive me, even if I had proof.
I'd said terrible things regardless of feeling threatened or not. I said terrible things because I wanted to be the one to save the day. I wanted so badly to be the savior in that situation that I lost everything. I ended up losing A, he said that it just wasn't healthy for us to talk at the moment, and that he needed therapy after everything. Once I got out the hospital, we met one last time, a hug and a forehead kiss while I returned all his things.
I will admit I wasn't the best girlfriend prior to this all. I always wanted his attention and tried hard to get it. I was always in a constant depressed state, which lead to a lot of suicide attempts I backed out of, but he unfortunately knew about. I was too damaged to be in a relationship, but I still tried. I used to take things our friends said way too dramatically, and I would tell him what they said, but I was unaware that I was making him feel unwanted by his friends. I learned that people who I considered to be close friends took this opportunity to lie about things they'd said about A in the past, pushing him further away from me.
I had tons of health issues, and I would make stupid decisions with my health, like drinking while on pills and having a one off seizure, scaring the shit out of him and our friends.
I regret a lot of things. I realize that I have an attention seeking problem, that I have manipulative tendencies. I have a massive savior complex and still have a screw loose from my last relationship. In the easiest terms, I am mentally fucked.
I flew back home to get some intensive therapy. I need it after everything thats happened. I lost A, the first very good thing i've had. I want to get better for myself and to prove that I can function like a normal person, but fuck it's hard. I miss him a lot lol, and i'm already falling into abusing substances and medications because of how badly I fucked up. I don't believe I deserve to live. I have tried to avoid talking about my feelings, I know that's a common thing manipulators do to turn conversations and I am trying not to do that. When I speak about my feelings it's just because I am, admittedly, struggling a fuck ton right now. I'm ashamed I fell into old habits, and I feel nothing more than the heaviest guilt one could possibly feel. I'll have to live with it forever, I will have to deal with people thinking I am a liar for the rest of my life, and that's something I brought upon myself. I can't eat very well, or even go 10 minutes without crying.
Now, what brought me here? Well, last night I decided to attempt to CTB. I ingested an entire bottle of cough medicine and somehow only ended up tripping balls and seemingly no side effects (yet.) I just slept the entire day away and had a phone call with A, where he sounded exasperated to speak to me. I don't think anyone will care about me until I am dead. I think the only way to clear my name from this situation is to die, just to show everyone I didn't lie. My whole life, I haven't been good at making friends. I finally FINALLY had friends and fucked it up.
I found this site after another long ass nap, still reeling from the meds, and i'm hoping to have a chance to be friends with likeminded people.
Thank you all for reading.
