I'm sorry your struggling and its got so bad for you too.
At least five years ago, it felt like I was the only one under a dark cloud. Now it feels like everyone in the country is, and that was before this bloody COVID. Leaving aside the political and economic uncertainty, it feels like I'm constantly have to explain and justify myself to other people, even though I'm no less appreciative of other European countries, their cultures and their languages than I was before.
Ironically, earlier in the year I got pains in my stomach, called for an ambulance and got taken to hospital, where I was told I had pancreatitis and had to have an operation to remove my gallbladder. While I was in physical pain, at least that was something that could be treated, which it was, successfully, thanks to the NHS, whereas with mental health, I haven't been treated with the respect I expect, which isn't that much.
Obviously I don't want to suggest that people who are physically ill, and terminally ill, are better off or have it easy, but if I were terminally ill, I'd try to spend as much time with family and friends as possible, even though there's nothing much in the way of a bucket list for me.