What are your recovery stories? Why did you end up back on here?

[BrokenArrow]

To those that tried to recover but ended up back on here - what went wrong? Or right? Are you still trying to recover, or are you totally hopeless now?

I've found that during my recovery attempts I muster up enough energy to get a job, or start seeing friends again and engaging with the world, but after a few weeks or months I hit an emotional wall. Everything stops. I shut down and retreat. I quit my stupid job, I stop replying to my friends. I hone my plan to catch the bus. I come back to SS.

It's like being on an awful merry-go-round that never fucking ends. I don't know how many rounds I have left in me at this stage.

 

[ClownMe]

Honestly, i dont know why my many recovery attempts have failed. I think it's simply because im so chronically depressed that it's impossible for me to ever be truly happy again. This is why I absolutely hate when people say shit like "suicide is the cowards way out" or "x person who committed suicide didnt try to turn their life around" etc etc, this is the furthest thing from the truth, sometimes you just cant turn your outlook on life around, no matter how hard you try.

 

[BrokenArrow]

Honestly, i dont know why my many recovery attempts have failed. I think it's simply because im so chronically depressed that it's impossible for me to ever be truly happy again. This is why I absolutely hate when people say shit like "suicide is the cowards way out" or "x person who committed suicide didnt try to turn their life around" etc etc, this is the furthest thing from the truth, sometimes you just cant turn your outlook on life around, no matter how hard you try.

Yeah, I hear you.

I've found that the people who say things like "suicide is the cowards way out" are often the least sympathetic and usually have no experience with mental illness.

I find recovery is like fighting against gravity - you can only sustain it for so long before you crash.

 

[draw a circle]

I did try to go on the road of recovery for a few months around the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021, but well, here I am [jazz hands]. I got better bc i found someone amazing to talk to for a few months, but we don't talk as much anymore (we don't connect well on some things i deemed important) and even though i tried to find more online friends, got back in touch with my old friends, and managed to move forward with my thesis, suddenly i just... stopped. Like those few good months just got resetted. I haven't made any step forward. I'm just putting my plans in hold, so to speak. I didn't actually get better, i was just distracting myself enough to get stuff done. I did feel genuinely happy and hopeful, but i didn't actually recover. If anything I'm probably worse now.

I don't want to look for ways to be better. I have never got into therapy, mainly bc I'm broke, but i simply don't feel like i belong in this world, and i don't feel like changing to belong in this world either.

 

[BrokenArrow]

but i simply don't feel like i belong in this world

This. This is it. Even when I start the recovery process and things seem to be going ok, I still think "I just don't want to be here..."

Sometimes it feels like 1 step forward, 8 steps back.

I didn't actually get better, i was just distracting myself enough to get stuff done.

I think this is true for a lot of peoples' recovery stories, but many may not feel comfortable admitting it.

Fuck it, I think I'm gonna catch the goddamn bus soon.

 

[SelmaJezkova10]

Well I tried to get back to college, to do my tasks and maybe meet new friends, but I think there is always something that have to screw up everithing, I was doing good, not perfect but I was fine, then I quit college and my job, I got blocked all my friends and left home. The funny thing is that I always blame destiny or some famliy curse, then I understood that the problem was me.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I think I just might be bipolar. Also I cannot run from the truth indefinitely, I will die one day and before that will suffer a lot. I rather be done with It.
I can have good days but will crush back down. I can have good mood but shitty job and mental illness push me back down. Plus future looks bleak and I hate the world.

 

[Mr2005]

I come back to aid others recovery when I've made changes to a playlist nobody listens to