what are your reasons to ctb?

[devil]

would like to see more pros on wanting to ctb, need more positive things about it other than hearing why I shouldn't do it.. anyone willing to share their reasons why?

 

[ProhibereDolor]

The reason I want to throw in the towel? The hell I've been in for 6 years of my ex using and alienating me from my child. And am getting the minimum amount of info. Don't know which school she goes to, a phone number to reach her on, or even where she lives. I've been fighting and fighting but have gained zero ground. Totally felling hopeless and helpless. And having my daughter which is my only child and blood relation I know(adopted at birth, don't know my birth parents, but don't care to.) she's my greatest achievement. I cannot top that no matter what I do. And with my duty to the world finished, and the constant stress, anxiety, and depression all the time for years along with very little sleep. Not superhuman status but usually 3 or 4 nights and then can't seem to wake up. Fucking bipolar. So yeah, that's why.

Edit: sorry, forgot to add a happy one....thats difficult, for me anyway. But I guess the good that pushes me to it and makes me want it all the much more is being free of the torment so that my soul can get out of this loop and move to a higher plane of existence. I would definitely consider the act of ctb freeing me from the pain is definitely a happy reason. I apologize if my answer was not what you were looking for.

 

[dandan]

This post has existed before many times, maybe many people won't come and answer.

I could've been a 40million millionaire, btc I could've bought but made the wrong choice
I did lost 1million wrong choices, Bitcoin I really had
I been antisocial and depressive since 18yo
The future doesn't look great but poverty surrounded by millionaire or very wealthy families. Except me and my mom.

I wish to enjoy life, making an attempt, but not being able to enjoy sucks.

I'm not good enough, I hardly accept myself as I am. I admire and envy other people's thoughts and way of speaking.

 

[sadgirl2002]

My whole life has been a rollercoaster of misery, anxiety and hate. The fact that I was constantly feeling broken, empty and all alone. I never knew love and I was hated everywhere I went. All the things that happened filled me with constant sadness, that isn't even a word that is strong enough.

Everything that happened in the last 20 years has been really bad and painful. Looking back, not a single good thing that happened had lasted.

A few from my 2 page and more list: abusive mother, alcoholic father, my mother hated me and liked her nieces more. Domestic abuse between parents. I came from a broken home. Hated by everyone in primary school and secondary school. I was constantly teased and laughed at. I was bullied by girls in the older year groups: year 8, 9 and 10. It just kept on going from year 7 onwards. I was ugly as shit back then so no wonder. The abuse got worse as I grew into my teens. I felt like my whole family hated me. I had a big group of friends in year 8 with my best friend in it, I look at old videos and I looked happy even though I was suffering. We broke up and then it was only me, my best friend and another girl who joined us two. She became my other best friend. It was just us 3. I can still remember her treating me badly, calling me names, using me and threatening me to take my best friend away from me. Everyone thought I was ugly and a loser. Hell, I did too.

I started self harming at 13, the depression and suicidal thoughts got bad. I got into religion and it helped me but the abuse kept getting worse since my mother didn't like it. College wasn't that great either. The workers at the nursery I volunteered in as part of my course would snigger at me, they all didn't like me. Father got Alzheimer's because of the alcohol addiction. An incident happened because of that so called best friend I had. I lost my religion and faith, peace of mind, I lost a lot of hair because of extreme stress and torment. I would cry everyday for hours, days, weeks... the depression and suicidal thoughts got worse. That's when I made the decision of suicide. Severe anxiety and no hygiene. I stopped bathing and taking care of my hair. I became very rebellious and evil, an extreme sinner. I was constantly living in the torture of my mind. Then just a few days before I was ready to end my life by hanging, I met the most beautiful soul online and we bonded deeply. He was exactly like me all the way from what we've been through and our views on things. He was the one I've been waiting for since high school or from what I could remember, I knew it from the moment I met him. We aren't the same, we are one person. Sadly, he left after saying goodbye with the reasons he had to. I couldn't handle the pain. I would leave me if I could too :') I ended up going downhill after a few months again, I started self harming again after being clean for five years. The cuts were worse and were done more often. I would also hit myself. I became bulimic, purged every meal, sometimes to the point of stomach acid would come out and I had heart burn a lot. I couldn't go out, stayed in my room all the time and only left to eat or go to the bathroom. Then the incident that I wrote about on another thread on here about my best friend manipulating me into going on a flight to the USA with her. (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...e-pain-of-being-manipulated.17081/post-325409)

The guilt and fucking remorse I felt is still here. I drank two mouthfuls of bleach when I was staying at my aunt's a few months ago. My thighs are full of scars. I cut myself again yesterday. This list is just a brief explanation, there's more that I haven't mentioned and can't recall right now.

There are times where I blame myself for everything that had happened. If I wasn't born, maybe my parents would have been better. It's not their fault... I feel like I'm a unlucky person. I'm hated everywhere I go. My birth was a mistake and it's a curse. The reasons to ctb are much longer than my one reason to live. I feel fucking stupid lol. Man, I really do feel like I deserve all of it.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

It's a short and boring story, really. And nothing compared to the things some other people here had to endure.

Maybe I was a bit of an awkward kid, but I had an at least somewhat normal childhood with a few friends and so on. Parents did the best they could manage, there was no abuse or anything and I think they did love me and care for me. The teenage years were a bit more problematic. Family broke up, parents got divorced, I had a hard time fitting in with my peers. That's where the depression started. There was also some bullying in school until I decided to fight back. I somehow made it into the workforce without finishing my education and for a while it looked like I might be fine.

Didn't turn out like that though. I stumbled, lost the few friends I had, spent about a decade in isolation doing nothing. Somehow managed to break out of it, entered the workforce again, actually doing a bit above average especially for a guy like me. I can sustain myself, but I'm still isolated. I don't have any friends, much less any kind of intimate relationship and I don't know how to acquire either. I'm now an awkward adult, ashamed of everything in my life, I can't get close to people anymore and I'll never be worth enough to anyone to be patient with me and help me along.

I've lived like that for a while but in the last years it has caught up with me. It hit home that I'll always be alone, nobody will ever love me and I'll never have a family and kids. There's nothing in life to look forward to and I don't know how to change it. Breakdowns are becoming more frequent and I keep wishing I was dead.

Everything about it is just pathetic really.

 

[wanttodie]

I hate my life I hate living and hate my body and want to die​

 

[Jean Améry]

In short: the inability to be happy. Slightly longer: 16 years of depression, significant losses (people and lack of achievements) and more recently health issues. For a comprehensive version I'd need to write a book so I'm going to leave it at that.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Because your misery outweighs the goodness.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

My brain is ridiculously defective making me unable to do anything that I wanted to do (becoming a politician, for example). I have severe ADD, Asperger's syndrome, GAD, mild aphasia/alogia and I'm borderline retarded (my IQ is lower than average but not enough to be classified as mental disability). I'm tired of being weak and insignificant. I wanted to change the world, be important and powerful, but I just can't do it, and I'm never going to abandon my so-called crazy dreams and accept an ordinary life just because other people do it. If my dreams are never going to become true and I'm not going to accept a normal, meaningless life, what's the point of continuing?

 

[Jean Améry]

My brain is ridiculously defective making me unable to do anything that I wanted to do (becoming a politician, for example). I have severe ADD, Asperger's syndrome, GAD, mild aphasia/alogia and I'm borderline retarded (my IQ is lower than average but not enough to be classified as mental disability). I'm tired of being weak and insignificant. I wanted to change the world, be important and powerful, but I just can't do it, and I'm never going to abandon my so-called crazy dreams and accept an ordinary life just because other people do it. If my dreams are never going to become true and I'm not going to accept a normal, meaningless life, what's the point of continuing?

If you are a native Brazilian English is a foreign language to you yet you write it really well. Which makes me doubt the 'diagnosis' of low IQ.

Imo you should not put any stock in what psychiatrists or psychologists told you: leave their BS behind, do not let it dictate your life and do what you want to do. If it fails too bad but at least you tried and tried to live life on your own terms. That deserves respect irrespective of the result.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Childhood abuse, defective personality, NEET, depression, and anxiety.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

If you are a native Brazilian English is a foreign language to you yet you write it really well. Which makes me doubt the 'diagnosis' of low IQ.

Imo you should not put any stock in what psychiatrists or psychologists told you: leave their BS behind, do not let it dictate your life and do what you want to do. If it fails too bad but at least you tried and tried to live life on your own terms. That deserves respect irrespective of the result.

Thanks but, as much as I would like to agree with you, I think the doctors were at least partially right about me, and I must admit that I might have complemented their diagnosis with my own research. Anyway, these disorders just make sense in my case. I've never been a normal person. I honestly don't care about having Asperger. I don't even think of it as a disease since I see many advantages of being an aspie. I defintely have ADHD too. My lack of attention has always been very debilitating (it might even be influencing my IQ) and I've been bullied for it in PE classes. I think that my anxiety disorder was caused by the combination of Asperger's syndrome and ADHD, so it is more of a symptom than a disorder in itself, and the aphasia and low IQ have been more noticeable last years. I don't have much evidence for my low IQ, but I believe that being unable to explain how my low IQ affects me is also part of having a low IQ. I think that not knowing how to use paragraphs after years of school counts as a sign of low IQ, right? Anyway, you mentioned my writing skills as a sign that my IQ is normal, but I think that learning a language is more a matter of effort than intelligence. I'm stupid at anything else save for philosophy and science, and as you can see by this post, it's very hard for me to make a point and explain something without making a mess (I think it is part of my communication disorder). Sigh...

 

[Jean Améry]

You obviously have problems which compromise your functioning but I doubt anyone who is able to learn a foreign language (which involves understanding grammer which requires at least some intelligence), is interested in philosophy and science (both of which require the ability to think logically and abstractly) and is able to think in a nuanced manner about his/her problems can be classified as having a low IQ.

Having learning disabilities will obviously make it much harder to effectively learn things so perhaps that's where the root cause of your problems lies.

Of course I'm not an expert in this so you may very well be right.

Personally I will never define myself by official categories, especially when they're of dubious scientific value and are quite degrading. I don't want to fall victim to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Mljonzy]

For me it's either be in agony everyday until i die which could be 30, 40, 50 years or save myself from all that torment and get over with as soon as i can. Like we all know it's so much harder to die than it looks.

 

[TimeToDie]

Let's count the reasons:

1. Disabled by social phobia -- tried every med and they all fail.
2. Severe generalized anxiety -- every med has failed.
3. OCD -- every med has failed.
4. Have been totally unable to sleep since March -- every sleep aid has failed.
5. Ears have been ringing nonstop since March.
6. Loss of sex drive & sexual function.
7. Obese
8. Teeth are horrid -- yellow, crooked, cross bite, worn & chipped due to grinding -- would need at least 11 crowns, if fortunate enough to not need dentures.
9. Have lost $600,000 to a lawsuit.
10. Will never get Social Security nor Medicare at 65 due to lack of work history.
11. No family: parents dead, aunts & uncles dead, brother dead, other brother is the bastard who's suing me (So I wish he were dead!)
12. Low testosterone: Years on AndroGel never made me feel any better and does nothing for sex drive, though results in tiny balls.
13. Stretch marks (that remain from massive weight gain as a teen).
14. Bald
15. I hate my house -- right on train tracks.
16. Upper arm aches due to cervical ridiculopathy and physical therapy failed.
17. Lower back pain if I actually dare to do wild & crazy physical activity such as washing dishes.
18. Extrapyramidal side effects: blinking at a VERY rapid rate (resulting in visual impairment) and my entire body twitches. I can't write.
19. My nose has been stuffed up & runny for the last 46 years. Need sinus surgery, but too afraid of surgery to ever get it.
20. I'm old.
21. High blood pressure
22. High cholesterol
23. High triglycerides
24. No wife, no GF, no realistic chance of ever having a relationship.
25. Maybe I'll think of some more later...

 

[RM5998]

I find it hard to actually enjoy anything. Anything at all. And after you've spent your life chasing and failing to get some form of happiness, there comes a point where the sensible decision is to just opt out. I'm not willing to do anything just to have it fail and the pleasure of doing it turn to ash. There are other reasons that are more about why I should kill myself, but this is the factor that makes me want to do it.

 

[LaBrava]

These comments from a UN health envoy pretty much nail the external economic and societal causes of CTB for me and a lot of others:

https://www.theguardian.com/society...ity-fuelling-mental-illness-says-top-un-envoy

To improve mental health Pūras calls, among other things, for reducing inequality and social exclusion, better early-years and school programmes, rapid interventions to support those suffering adverse childhood experiences, stronger workforce unionisation and better social welfare.

Aside from agreeing with the need to fix badly paid, insecure jobs, imagine a world of 'rapid interventions to support those suffering adverse childhood experiences' instead of people then being just thrown into the adult world while left in a total mess and expected to cope and stay afloat.

 

[oldgregg187]

I've been rejected by every woman I've had feelings for. I'm ostracized for my appearance. I have very little pigment almost translucent. very light hair. the way people have treated me over the years has made me very self-conscious and awkward to be around. no friends and no woman is a sure way to make someone want to ctb

 

[Tegan_sky]

One word, the main reason...EXHAUSTION.
Being horribly traumatized by my father from 4 years of age till I moved out at 21, being victimized that long puts an imprint on you that screams "Victim" to everyone out there, like the old wax seals on very old postal letter envelopes. It puts a stamp on you for life. My four brothers all have the "Victim" look to them and have been re-victimized as well. People invalidating me, 60 years of people trying to tell me my opinions, perceptions, and feelings are wrong. Over 30 years of this in alcohol recovery too, there is a LOT of invalidation and denial of feelings in alcohol recovery, at least in the area where I live.
Not being able to go out in public without being harassed because of this weakling, non-assertive, victim defenseless look I can't shake. I sometimes am literally driven into hiding by this constant harassment. Now I have a man in the neighborhood who saw me and my defenseless look, I don't know when I came into this creep's line of vision, now he has been stalking me off and on since last November. This round, he came way too close, scared of what kind of sexual violence he wants to do, I say "God, don't let me die that way." I want to die peacefully in bed. I don't care if I die of passive suicide by way of getting cancer, but I don't want to die violently from this neighborhood creep.

LONELINESS. Failed attempts at making new friends in recovery, like I said in one other post, average 2 attempts with 2 people a year since beginning of 2012. This rejection hurts badly after so many tries.

I was so suicidal in my 20's, now am at this same place again. In my 20's I wanted to be dead before the age of 30. Almost 60 now, I feel "I made it 30 years longer than I thought I would." Health problems, are these temporary or is this only a preview of more health problems to come? Depressing stuff. And no one but my shrink to talk to about it, the only person I know who won't judge. If he retires I feel that I am going to be really screwed.

 

[Dawn0071111]

My whole life has been a rollercoaster of misery, anxiety and hate. The fact that I was constantly feeling broken, empty and all alone. I never knew love and I was hated everywhere I went. All the things that happened filled me with constant sadness, that isn't even a word that is strong enough.

Everything that happened in the last 20 years has been really bad and painful. Looking back, not a single good thing that happened had lasted.

A few from my 2 page and more list: abusive mother, alcoholic father, my mother hated me and liked her nieces more. Domestic abuse between parents. I came from a broken home. Hated by everyone in primary school and secondary school. I was constantly teased and laughed at. I was bullied by girls in the older year groups: year 8, 9 and 10. It just kept on going from year 7 onwards. I was ugly as shit back then so no wonder. The abuse got worse as I grew into my teens. I felt like my whole family hated me. I had a big group of friends in year 8 with my best friend in it, I look at old videos and I looked happy even though I was suffering. We broke up and then it was only me, my best friend and another girl who joined us two. She became my other best friend. It was just us 3. I can still remember her treating me badly, calling me names, using me and threatening me to take my best friend away from me. Everyone thought I was ugly and a loser. Hell, I did too.

I started self harming at 13, the depression and suicidal thoughts got bad. I got into religion and it helped me but the abuse kept getting worse since my mother didn't like it. College wasn't that great either. The workers at the nursery I volunteered in as part of my course would snigger at me, they all didn't like me. Father got Alzheimer's because of the alcohol addiction. An incident happened because of that so called best friend I had. I lost my religion and faith, peace of mind, I lost a lot of hair because of extreme stress and torment. I would cry everyday for hours, days, weeks... the depression and suicidal thoughts got worse. That's when I made the decision of suicide. Severe anxiety and no hygiene. I stopped bathing and taking care of my hair. I became very rebellious and evil, an extreme sinner. I was constantly living in the torture of my mind. Then just a few days before I was ready to end my life by hanging, I met the most beautiful soul online and we bonded deeply. He was exactly like me all the way from what we've been through and our views on things. He was the one I've been waiting for since high school or from what I could remember, I knew it from the moment I met him. We aren't the same, we are one person. Sadly, he left after saying goodbye with the reasons he had to. I couldn't handle the pain. I would leave me if I could too :') I ended up going downhill after a few months again, I started self harming again after being clean for five years. The cuts were worse and were done more often. I would also hit myself. I became bulimic, purged every meal, sometimes to the point of stomach acid would come out and I had heart burn a lot. I couldn't go out, stayed in my room all the time and only left to eat or go to the bathroom. Then the incident that I wrote about on another thread on here about my best friend manipulating me into going on a flight to the USA with her. (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...e-pain-of-being-manipulated.17081/post-325409)

The guilt and fucking remorse I felt is still here. I drank two mouthfuls of bleach when I was staying at my aunt's a few months ago. My thighs are full of scars. I cut myself again yesterday. This list is just a brief explanation, there's more that I haven't mentioned and can't recall right now.

There are times where I blame myself for everything that had happened. If I wasn't born, maybe my parents would have been better. It's not their fault... I feel like I'm a unlucky person. I'm hated everywhere I go. My birth was a mistake and it's a curse. The reasons to ctb are much longer than my one reason to live. I feel fucking stupid lol. Man, I really do feel like I deserve all of it.

Wow. I just read my life story. So sorry for your pain, suffering & grief. All seems like good reason to CBT.. Its why I want to as well. However no one deserves abuse.... just had to throw that in there... Life is unfair and some of us just can't handle that... much love 2u