What are your reasons for being alive right now?

[TransTaxEvader]

I currently am just waiting until the anniversary of my friends death. What keeps all of you around? Hoping to hear some inspiring stories and some thoughts. Thank you all for being here and being good people.

 

[mysticatedwine]

I'm having a close friend over that I hadn't seen for about a year. I'm having lots of fun and I had missed her a lot. I want to enjoy the time I have left with her, as I'm planning to die in about 3 months and this could be the last time I get to see her.

 

[rs929]

I'm too scared of SN

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I'm waiting for the anniversary of the day I met my late partner. Very sentimental, but it will be something like a full circle moment

 

[Dante_]

Procrastination and mainly, just indifference and pessimism towards my chances of succeeding in ctb, nothing more, nothing less, nothing notable, nothing positive.

 

[Alek1=]

I pinky promised I'd try to stay alive

 

[longlifetolive]

My family, they have supported me for so long if i ctb they will be so devastated it hurts me so much to think about it, but on the other hand the suffering and pain of life is starting to overcome this will to be here, im honestly not sure what to do right now. a good example as to how i am feeling is imagine you are in a tall apartment building, your whole apartment is on fire and you are at the edge of a window. Do you jump and end it all or do you sit in there and get consumed by the flame of life.

 

[lonesomedrifter]

Being 27 weeks pregnant. I struggle everyday, wanting to give up. Then I remember that at least one innocent soul is depending on me.

 

[Loser1989]

My family and my pets. I'm also a coward.

 

[archiveofpain]

My own cowardice, not being able to access reliable methods and the possibility of failing CTB and have a worse outcome

 

[Lyn]

First and foremost my partner who depends on me.
It's a strange state of mind when the very feeling of guilt about what you want to do is both holding you back and pushing you forward.

 

[Thomas599]

I currently have THREE bottles of N. What's keeping me from drinking them all right now? I have always found purpose in my life through the work that I do. If I didn't or couldn't find meaningful work, I think I actually would CTB.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

I'm also a coward.

"Suicide isn't cowardly. I'll tell you what's cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives." -Ashley Purdy

your feelings are still valid and I really do hope things get better for you

 

[TheHolySword]

Just waiting for my life insurance policy to reach 2 years, which will be in May. After that it's just waiting for an uneventful month, so probably July. I have no other reasons.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

My own cowardice, not being able to access reliable methods and the possibility of failing CTB and have a worse outcome

you're not cowardly, you're rational and you are aware. I really hope things start to get better for you.

 

[Loser1989]

"Suicide isn't cowardly. I'll tell you what's cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives." -Ashley Purdy

your feelings are still valid and I really do hope things get better for you

Thank you. I've never heard that quote before, it made me tear up a little.

You're a beautiful soul.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

You're a beautiful soul.

Same to you my friend. Stay strong.

 

[Michelstaedter]

My pet and not finding the ideal method to avoid failure. If I had a bottle of N, it would be like a kind of trophy, something I would wait to use as if it were such a valuable gift.
On the contrary, not having that method is my fear of failing, of feeling pain, of being worse off.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I was forced into this cruel and harmful existence that was completely unnecessary in the first place even know there were never any disadvantages to never suffering at all and I'm so cruelly denied the option to simply cease existing in peace with no risks of it going wrong and leading to way worse torture. I'll always see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option of a death like never waking ever again as I'd just never wish to exist, I see existence as the problem, to me existence really does feel like the most terrible tragic mistake and in this existence where there's all this suffering and cruelty with no limit as to how much agony one can feel non-existence truly is all that's positive and desirable for me. I just want to never suffer ever again, I find it horrific how a human can suffer for so long in this futile, torturous existence just to die in agony from old age, I truly would never wish to exist, all I wish and hope for is non-existence, I just wish for permanent peace from all cruelty and suffering.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

There's a lot of stuff that kept me alive if I were honest.

The most important one was Survival Instinct. Many people believe it's easy to break through survival instinct, but in reality it is not. I've been in the lowest point of my life when I wanted to CTB. I haven't had much to live for, I've had lost all hope, and I thought that I was ready to do it. What happened next? I arrive at the place I wanted to CTB and then it's nearly as if my brain had reset; I start thinking about all the stuff like what are my friends and family going to think? It's gonna cost them a lot to bury me, Who's gonna keep entertaining the friend group? All of the thoughts came to me in one moment, I stressed out like hell and ran back to the bus. I threw my SN after like a month or so as I still wasn't a 100% sure whether will I CTB or not, but in the end I did not do it.

When you are at your lowest point, your vision is often blurry, you don't see as much as you would see if you were in a good position. You are surrounded by really bad thoughts, things. Although it might be hard to think positive, youve got to keep living as there's just so much in life that you can do.

Life won't be easy, obviously, but if we try just hard enough to make it worth living, then we should definitely keep that life.

Either way, even on recovery, it is very hard for me. I often do feel as if I want to end my life, but then I think to myself "will taking my life solve all the problems that I could solve myself while still being alive?". That's why I'm still here, even if I am not fully recovered, I am still alive and am trying my best to live just a bit better, step by step each day.

Goodnight.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Because I was forced into this cruel and harmful existence that was completely unnecessary in the first place even know there were never any disadvantages to never suffering at all and I'm so cruelly denied the option to simply cease existing in peace with no risks of it going wrong and leading to way worse torture. I'll always see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option of a death like never waking ever again as I'd just never wish to exist, I see existence as the problem, to me existence really does feel like the most terrible tragic mistake and in this existence where there's all this suffering and cruelty with no limit as to how much agony one can feel non-existence truly is all that's positive and desirable for me. I just want to never suffer ever again, I find it horrific how a human can suffer for so long in this futile, torturous existence just to die in agony from old age, I truly would never wish to exist, all I wish and hope for is non-existence, I just wish for permanent peace from all cruelty and suffering.

beautifully written, and you're absolutely correct. I'm not sure how some people can do it.

 

[saturn1402]

1. I wanted to give life a try a bit longer
2. My dog
3. I wanted to say silently goodbye to everyone I love

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Still need to prepare. Then I'm good to go on friday.

 

[L_n]

yet to have a train not stop at the station :/

 

[amomentspeace]

1. Too much of a coward for most methods so I have to settle with SN which I don't see a way to obtain atm
2. Dog
3. Hope that things will change
4. I;m half convinced my reason to want to ctb is not very valid, and other people here say it makes them sad to see a young person ctb

 

[Pleaserewind]

If I could snap my fingers and be gone I would, I feel strange when I see good people pass away through accidents and illness and you can't help but feel if u could exchange ur life for theirs at least they could continue on. I guess I'm still around as I had held hope for my problem to resolve but that hope is dwindling.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

I;m half convinced my reason to want to ctb is not very valid,

all reasons are valid imo.

yet to have a train not stop at the station :/

what's the method if you dont mind me asking.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

Because a cop (and myself) ruined my chance to ctb today.

 

[LigottiSchopenhauer]

I'm going on a last big binge of drinking lots of booze and eating lots of unhealthy junk food. Those things still give me enough pleasure to the point that I don't want to CTB just yet. But I have my method secured for when that changes.

 

[graveface]

Lurisadone