No I dont have any distractions and dont plan /dont want to have it . I just want to die. I know that if i think about how much i want to die all the time (but cant do it anyway no matter how many times i think about it ) ill end up losing my mind for real but i just have no interest for anything. I like cats yes but not bc i like cats means im interested in /care about life. I cojld watch cat videos on yt as a distraction but ( In fact i make my parents think that , i pretend i use this phone for "normal stuff" (as if suicide wasn't normal... wel, I already forgot this world we're in is so pro life and brainwashed) i obviously CANT tell them i want this damned device for suicidal purposes. id be dead and unfortuntately not literally dead so....)) but its not enough for them and they complai a lot "ALL FHE TIME WATCHING JUST CAT VIDEOS ??!?!! ISNT THST BORING??!? YOU DONT LISTEN TO MUSIC AT LEAST?!?! AND YOU DONT CHAT WIFH ANYONR?!??? WHY UOU DONTF WANT TL HAVE FRIENDS?!??!" as if i cared if thats boring or not.... Sigh ,i dont even watch videos of anything in the first place . No i dont listen to any type of music, why do i have to... No i dont want friends ,why do i have to... sigh. Have zero interest for anything. and im more than fine with that, it hurts to have to pretend i have interest in things to not be considered "mentally ill" and taken to a psychiatrist/psych ward...
I have no interests nor hobbies nor any other shit like that (for me its shit ,yes. and if im "boring" and "empty", i dont care at all) . But my parents force me to have them. Especially my mom, she keeps complaining that i dont like anything and all that shit. well they complain about countless thinfs actually ,its just too hard for me to fully pose as someone who actually cares about life and stuff.
They dont know that i have no interest for life ,because i have no choice but fake it. So , to not make them complakn/ suspect i have to "have" interests yes or yes... Becaue "to not be interested in things is not normal" sigh...Its really hard for me to force all this into myself but well..
And if i didnt pretend /force all these things "I have to have/do" theyd definitely suspect and say all that shit like "We 'll take you to a psycbiatrist because to not want to do anything and not have interests is a symtpm of depression!!! " Sigh... This is rrally exhausting... sorry if i dont make sense i have no idea what im writing rn ,my brain is fucked up.
I have to pretend i "have" interests/ hobbies as well as many other things like "motivation" and its really depressing and frustrating. I wish i could just do nothing and kill myself right away. Im so exhausted of everything. Im so exhausted of existence. It hurts to have to live and do all this for the sake of others... i just wanna go and be nothing ffs.... It hurts that i just want to get the fuck out of existence /life and this world but im forced to participate on it and do all the "things that has to be done in life" bullshit...
They dont know that i just dont want life and that i dont give a shit about anything from life ,and that i dont want to do anything in life because i fake all the time ...., so they assume i want to live and all that and can easily suspect at the most minimum thing i stop doing /don't do .
They assume i want to live and all that crap because i have no choice but fake it /pretend i "want" to, pretend i "want" to be something, pretend many things basically ,because to want to live /be interested in life is "what's normal " and what "i have to do" ," how I have to be" ,also to not make them suspect and end up forced to see a psychiatrist ,take meds, attend therapy and all that crap that I dont need at all. In fact , i do all these efforts/sacrifices (faking and hiding everything) to avoid being taken to a psychiatrist.
They dont know im severely depressed and anxious even less the reason why ( i DONT want to tell them , I DONT want to be taken to a psychiatrist ,because the reason i have depression and anxiety is not the same as the reasons other drpressed/anxious people have them ,its because i just dont want to live and not being able to die is fucking destroying me so deeply mentally and emotionally and its causing me extreme distress, anguish, frustration ,severe anxiety and depression. My anxiety and deprrssion are undiagnosed because i DONT want to be taken to a psuchiatrist, its what im trying to avoid at all costs. The other day my mom saw one of my fingers ,which i couldnt help biting due to my anxiety and she started screaming at me ,hit me and threatened me to take me to a psuchiatrist saying "WHY DID YOU DID THIS?!?!? YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL??!?!? ILL HAVR TO TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR AND A PSYCHIATRKST!!!! GROW UP FOR ONCE!!!!" "IF YOU HAVE ANXIETY PLEASE TELL ME !!! SAY IT AND DONT BE SO STUPID!!! IT HAS REMEDY!!!" and i was panicking so much inside and had to hide how anxious I was even more , i had to tell her "i simply did it , i ripedd off part of the skin and then i continued, it was hard not to. Ill use ointment, dont worry" she got even angrier and didn't really believe it , but i tried my best to make her forget about it by acting "normal" and "active" and all that shit a lot more... She said: " THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU DO THAT !!!!! IF YOU DO THST IS BECAUSE UOUR MIND IS SICK , THATS NOT WHAT A NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO!!!! IF THE NEXT RIME I SEE IT ITS STILL LILE THAT OR WORSE ILL TAKE YOU TO A PSYCBIATRIST IMMEDIATELY!!!!" sigh im on the edge... Theyre so close to start suspecting and im on the edge already ...
my intention is not to "get help" ,i dont want to live ,I dont want to know anything about life and i dont want to experience it. its so hard to continue hiding everything every day... Im forced to eat always and since they think "nothing happens" and i "want to live" i have to pretend i want to eat ,even more... I get too nauseous and its so hard to not even gag while eating, eating makes me sick but if i dont eat they will ask why, suspect and take me to a psychiatrist so... In fact they threatened me to take me to a psychiatrist the other day and got beaten and they kept svreaming at me and all that , im trying to act as "normal" as possible (even more...) to make them forget about it..
I barely have energy /strength /motivation and all that shit that i have to force myself to have so they dont complain/suspect to keep up with this even though I just dont want to , and i really doubt i can last much longer. ) even less why, if they knew theyw wouldnt believe anyway, as everyone assumes everyone wants to live and that someone jjust says that if theyre suffering . And either way, knowing or not knowing the trur reason ,they'd take me immediately to a psycbiatrist so...
Yes, im suffering, a lot everyday, but my suffering is very different from the rest because you all actually want to live if your lives were how you would want them to be, but i juste dont want to live life nor do anything in my life no matter how it is. (Im NOT saying im sufferkng more nor any other thing like that, this is NOT a competition, we all suffer a lot ,just in different ways, and mine is very different, its all im sauing.. i dont want "things to get better", i dont want "help" , i donte want my life "to improve /get better" nor anything like that. I don't want therapy or meds. I have what people.would call a 'good life' , i "have it all" and all that crap, but I couldnt care less. I dont want it. I want to get rid of life in general so bad. I dont want to belong here. I dontw want to be "positive" things, and i couldnt give less of a damn if im a "failure", "immature", "lazy" or whatever. Im not ashamed of those "negative" things at all, its.really frustrating to have to act like its negative for me when in reality i couldnt care less and it doesnt have any negative impact on me to be "negative" things. just want to be nothing for fucks sake...
id definitely give my life to someone who actually cares about life and wants to live it /"enjoy " it and all that and I'd just die. my only dream. To just be nothing. There are ppl out there who are disabled and ill and would give anything to be able to live etc ,then there's me, imn not disabled, i dont have any type of chronic illness, have a " healthy body" (couldn't give less of a fuck) ,have shelter, food etc and i DONT want any of this AT ALL. Just want to die. Id definitely give my body and my life im in to someone who wants to do things in life and cares about it. I dont want any of this ,just wish i could get rid of being trapped in this flesh prison called human body im foecedly in and that i was just nothing...
i have depressilnand anxiety basically because i unfortunately exist and have a life (I DONT WANT TO HAVE ANY LIFE,ANY KIND OF LIFE FOR FCUK SAKE...) and I'm forced into life(in general) and flrced to care about things,forced to do things, forced to do /live /experience life when i dont want anything at all ... I juat don't want life and the fsct that i have no way out hurts like fucking hell . Having to live , participate in life etc when i have no desire ,no will, no interest at all and never will and all i want is to get out of here and be nothing forever is what makes me so deeply depressed and anxious. Im trying really hard to hide everything because i dont want them to unfortunately take me to a psychiatrist/psychologist .... Its so hard. with the bare minimun suspect they definitely will... im so exhausted already...
Nothing from life interests me, never interested me and never will . "Ah thats apathy" "thats just depression" you'll think while reading this, well let me say NO.
Its not "apathy", its not a "mental illness", im just completely indifferent and uninterested to life and always have been and will be . Its been too many years having to wear a mask and having no choice but to adapt to this and im so tired already... this fucking hurts...
I didnt ask to be on this life (in general) ,nor have a life, didnt ask to be brought here. And now im forced to this against my will and i forcedly have to have interest and desire for things in life. Why.... im basically trapped in this prison called life.
All i literally want is to die and i cant take it anymore . Im tired of being forced into this thing that i never asked to take/be part of and have no desire /interest for it . im so depressed i cant stop thinking about how much I just want to get the f*ck out of here ... Sorry for this long messsge ,its unnecessarily long and it deviated a lot from the topic of the thread ..sorry , im in constant need to vent... I just cant take it anymore...
