What are your barriers? What’s stopping you from CTB?

[BrainSplatter]

I've wanted to CTB for as long as I remember but there's still so many obstacles that stop me and keep me here…

1. My child I fear they'll be abused like me and if I'm dead how can I help them.

2. My child not being in a secure home and not having a loving care provider

3. My grandma being still alive she's in her 80s and has many health conditions a part of me wants to wait for her to pass but at the same time idk if I can hold off that long.

4. That there's a possibility my grandma could die after hearing about my death she has serious health issues.

5. My brother blaming himself he's already lost 1 friend to suicide he could easily do the same and I would understand if he did he was also subject to so much abuse like me and a part of me feels so protective over him but I can't shield him from all the cruelty of this world we aren't kids anymore I need to accept that.

6. When I was younger I made a promise to myself that no matter how bad the pain got I would continue living because my mum died so young of cancer. I said I'd continue living the life she wasn't able to have.

7. A part of me still wants to live and it's baffling to me with all the abuse pain suffering and trauma a part of me still has hope of recovering it's insane how much the human mind can truly withstand I don't think many would still be here considering what I've experienced my will to survive shocks me. I think back to my other attempts particularly when I was on the roof of my college looking down imagining where I'd land I wanted it to be at the entrance of my class and if I had died then I wouldn't have experienced half of this pain and torment I feel now I've been raped at least 10 times since then and my child was conceived through rape that absolutely killed me and yet I'm still here why???

I need to be content all these things I know it won't matter I'll be dead but to successfully CTB I need to accept that things aren't changing that recovery isn't possible it's not like I haven't tried or put in the work - I got sober therapy being a mum but all I failed at spectacularly.

I need to accept defeat and being such a hopeful determined intelligent person it's harder than I'd like to admit I know I'll achieve it some day but I need to change my mindset first, any advice on how to do that?

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I just found out I might have a surprise adopted child...so there's that.

My mom might be homeless

 

[gimpyfairy]

Nothing anymore, I have nothing anymore, tomorrow I'm going to decide when to kill myself.

 

[NoHorizon]

Fear, mostly. I'm so scared of the process of dying, even with the more peaceful methods. There's no way to make it truly easy, and I'm terrified of it being horrible.

Aside from that, guilt over it hurting my dad and nephews. And weirdly I have this stupid desire to get better at running - it's something I love and the only thing I plan months ahead even though paradoxically I will probably kill myself before any of the events I've got coming up happen.

I hope I'm able to get over my fears and be at peace because there's no possibility of a good life for me anymore. I don't have any helpful advice or useful things to say for you, but it must be extremely hard being suicidal with a child. On top of all of your suffering and past trauma the emotions that would cause must be so difficult.

 

[idiotmother]

I also have a child who has kept me around for the last few months but my condition is getting worse. Don't think I'll be able to hang on much longer, even for their sake. I do love them more than anything but I'm so fucking sick from brain injuries. It's so hard because people don't understand, they automatically judge because I have a child, even on this site! Guess what? Unlike how some of the judgy people on here assume, I can't just turn off my suicidality, it is a constant fog eating up my entire being. I've suffered legitimate chemical brain injuries and I'm psychologically broken.

I'm also scared of the dying process. the fact that I have to be the one to jump, or whatever instead of having someone just shoot me is very stressful. I wish someone really would take me out of my misery. Scared of Sn process too if I'm able to get it. Seems like some people go peacefully enough, others suffer and still others suffer and survive. I wish it wasn't so hard to quit this terrible existence.

 

[BrainSplatter]

I also have a child who has kept me around for the last few months but my condition is getting worse. Don't think I'll be able to hang on much longer, even for their sake. I do love them more than anything but I'm so fucking sick from brain injuries. It's so hard because people don't understand, they automatically judge because I have a child, even on this site! Guess what? Unlike how some of the judgy people on here assume, I can't just turn off my suicidality, it is a constant fog eating up my entire being. I've suffered legitimate chemical brain injuries and I'm psychologically broken.

I'm also scared of the dying process. the fact that I have to be the one to jump, or whatever instead of having someone just shoot me is very stressful. I wish someone really would take me out of my misery. Scared of Sn process too if I'm able to get it. Seems like some people go peacefully enough, others suffer and still others suffer and survive. I wish it wasn't so hard to quit this terrible existence.

I'm the same after I had my child they were my sole purpose my reason to live I don't really care about anything else just them and that's too much pressure to put on one child it's selfish of me to put my life in their hands they're 4 ffs but the truth is I'd prob of CTB by now if I wasn't a mother and it feels almost evil and sinful to feel suicidal as a parent because it goes against all your maternal instincts but I was suicidal before I had my child of course I still am now it's not like motherhood magically cures all pain and suffering that's what hurts about it because I've come to accept I'm not able to parent my child no matter how much I might love them it's never enough my pain just outweighs it all. It's not like I just woke up one day and felt like this it's been a horrific journey and people may judge me also but I know in my soul that I'll go onto abuse and further neglect my child because I'm damaged I'm broken and I'm definitely unfit to parent I know exactly what my child needs and that is everything but me. What I hate is how so many people have given me false hope and continued to believe in me. Why can't people just accept things as they are. All this positivity bs it's like they say things will get better or improve and have only made things worse for my son right from the start they said this would happen given my history yet with some short term improvement I gained full custody that should never of happened and now both me and my child have paid for their mistakes. I love my child that's why I'm doing this I need to protect them.

 

[throw-me-away]

Yeah, my kid is the main factor to stay. Everyone else I don't care about. It's not that my child absolutely needs me - they have other adults who would care for them appropiately.

It's just that my death would probably hurt them, and I don't want that... Like, that kid has good friends, is so creative, kind and gifted (tested high IQ). I always thought that they're a better version of me with a bright future ahead of them. The one good thing in life I did right. And if I leave, I will fuck that up. I'll take their chance to grow up without being traumatized away from them.

The thing that allows me to stay alive is to never think of the future, though. When I start thinking of the future, I realize I can't do this. I don't want to. The only tolerable way to plan for the future is to plan my death. So I avoid it.

 

[BrainSplatter]

Fear, mostly. I'm so scared of the process of dying, even with the more peaceful methods. There's no way to make it truly easy, and I'm terrified of it being horrible.

Aside from that, guilt over it hurting my dad and nephews. And weirdly I have this stupid desire to get better at running - it's something I love and the only thing I plan months ahead even though paradoxically I will probably kill myself before any of the events I've got coming up happen.

I hope I'm able to get over my fears and be at peace because there's no possibility of a good life for me anymore. I don't have any helpful advice or useful things to say for you, but it must be extremely hard being suicidal with a child. On top of all of your suffering and past trauma the emotions that would cause must be so difficult.

Igy yeah pretty much everything I said is fear based but yeah that's one thing I didn't mention that I'm scared of dying it's something I've always feared it's strange to think about like how can you be suicidal and fear death? I do particularly if it's slow or painful death that's what I fear - that's how my mum died with cancer in so much pain slowly she became unrecognisable her hair had fallen out because of the chemo by the end she wasnt even able to recognise who I was that I'm her daughter. This kind of death scares me the most it's not only about the pain but more dying and losing that sense of yourself when I die I want to die knowing who I am and that I'll finally be at peace I don't think she even knew that. I fear I'll fail, end up in a vegetative state and die a similar way. I'll get scared that if I fall asleep I'll die and stay awake for days causing me to hallucinate or that something will fall on my head and kill me in my sleep, that I'll die in a fire in my sleep. I think this is some kind of harm OCD it's intrusive. It helps a little hearing someone else describe the same fears especially in a suicide forum I definitely feel less alone with it now.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I exist in this horrific dreadful anti-suicide world where suicide is a crime and I cannot have the option of a painless, guaranteed death so finally I can be free from the suffering of this dreadful, torturous existence I always saw as a mistake that I never would had chosen, all I want is to be gone and I'll just always prefer to not exist than suffer, only non-existence can bring me the peace I search for from the burden of existence that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

 

[woodlandcreature]

nothing anymore. i've lost everything.

 

[idiotmother]

I'm the same after I had my child they were my sole purpose my reason to live I don't really care about anything else just them and that's too much pressure to put on one child it's selfish of me to put my life in their hands they're 4 ffs but the truth is I'd prob of CTB by now if I wasn't a mother and it feels almost evil and sinful to feel suicidal as a parent because it goes against all your maternal instincts but I was suicidal before I had my child of course I still am now it's not like motherhood magically cures all pain and suffering that's what hurts about it because I've come to accept I'm not able to parent my child no matter how much I might love them it's never enough my pain just outweighs it all. It's not like I just woke up one day and felt like this it's been a horrific journey and people may judge me also but I know in my soul that I'll go onto abuse and further neglect my child because I'm damaged I'm broken and I'm definitely unfit to parent I know exactly what my child needs and that is everything but me. What I hate is how so many people have given me false hope and continued to believe in me. Why can't people just accept things as they are. All this positivity bs it's like they say things will get better or improve and have only made things worse for my son right from the start they said this would happen given my history yet with some short term improvement I gained full custody that should never of happened and now both me and my child have paid for their mistakes. I love my child that's why I'm doing this I need to protect them.

I have a lot of respect for you for giving your child to foster care (even if some of those situations aren't the best either..only so much you can do!). You know best what you are capable of, and if you cannot provide a safe environment then you're doing the right thing. Nobody should judge you, I think you're very brave. It must be so hard to go through what you've been dealt in this life, I'm really sorry. You seem very self aware which is more than what your family was when it came to you.

 

[chernobylmosqut]

The only barrier I've ever had work is the knowledge that I won't be able to feel relief, peace, or satisfaction because I'll be dead, if that makes sense. It's an end to the pain but I won't even be able to recognize it.

 

[martyrdom]

No opportunity for privacy, yet.

 

[MissAbyss]

My little girl I treat her like a queen; I just know she won't get that kind of treatment from anyone else. The fear of her being neglected, or worse, the thought alone sets me on edge. So I'll have to make a choice: either let her go or keep going for as long as possible, which isn't realistic. Perhaps another solution will present itself in the meantime.