DeathIsTheWayOut99
Warlock
- Jun 6, 2020
- 798
Today I opened uo about my sexual assault with a new friend. They sympathized and I appreciated that. However, I felt bad thta she couldn't relate. I suppose....thtas selfish of me. I cant expect every person I talk to to have had a life like mine/relate to me. my life is quite frankly tragic and I don't think its all that common. So while I am not made at my friend, I felt more alone. I mean sure, you can find people online and no one talks about their experiences face to face. But, I wish I know one person like me. So far, I am only reminded that I am alone
I had a mental breakdown today in my art class. My art teacher was ok with it and told me to let her know if I am having an off day. She is too kind, but it did feel nice that she was understanding
My other class was canceled so I treated myself to some food and went home. I slept fo ra few ours and tried opening up to my grandmother. NO matter what, they cant relate to the daily feelings of suicidality
And then my therapist. I yelled at her over the phone last week. I didnt mean to, or did I? I was just feed up. I may have some good days/moments, but it still stands. I desire ot hurt myself. To stab myself int he had, to teat apart my body, I get so angry I want to kill people, etc. It seems therapy, meds, or heavier is just not working. So why not just kill myself?
Weirdly enough.....I just can't. I walk over to the balcony on the 9th floor of my school. I look down thinking that I can land on my neck and have it all over. And yet, I can't even muster up the courage to do that. I just can't. And so I am stuck in limbo
I know I want to die to escape this miserable existence, and yet I also dont' want to die because, sometimes, I like it here. I like having my professors be nice to me. I like having my classmates give me attention and my friends always telling me how good I am. I like the little moments of my dad reminding me im his babe, and times were my brother, yes my idiot brother, can be nice. Where my grandma reminds me im her world, and my bitch aunt, even when she's a bitch, wants me to spend time with her. My uncle with special needs always wants me to play with him, and my other uncle will always bring over things for me when I need them. Still, my family toxic so dont get it twisted, but there are things ill miss. The cat cafe, the day of one day having a boyfriend, pokemon, anime, the new friends ive made, etc
I had a mental breakdown today in my art class. My art teacher was ok with it and told me to let her know if I am having an off day. She is too kind, but it did feel nice that she was understanding
My other class was canceled so I treated myself to some food and went home. I slept fo ra few ours and tried opening up to my grandmother. NO matter what, they cant relate to the daily feelings of suicidality
And then my therapist. I yelled at her over the phone last week. I didnt mean to, or did I? I was just feed up. I may have some good days/moments, but it still stands. I desire ot hurt myself. To stab myself int he had, to teat apart my body, I get so angry I want to kill people, etc. It seems therapy, meds, or heavier is just not working. So why not just kill myself?
Weirdly enough.....I just can't. I walk over to the balcony on the 9th floor of my school. I look down thinking that I can land on my neck and have it all over. And yet, I can't even muster up the courage to do that. I just can't. And so I am stuck in limbo
I know I want to die to escape this miserable existence, and yet I also dont' want to die because, sometimes, I like it here. I like having my professors be nice to me. I like having my classmates give me attention and my friends always telling me how good I am. I like the little moments of my dad reminding me im his babe, and times were my brother, yes my idiot brother, can be nice. Where my grandma reminds me im her world, and my bitch aunt, even when she's a bitch, wants me to spend time with her. My uncle with special needs always wants me to play with him, and my other uncle will always bring over things for me when I need them. Still, my family toxic so dont get it twisted, but there are things ill miss. The cat cafe, the day of one day having a boyfriend, pokemon, anime, the new friends ive made, etc
