Were you always suicidal or did a single event set it in motion?

[Beyond_Repair]

I've always been fine with the prospect of dying, even hoping for it, since about middle school.

I know most people don't even consider the idea of suicide as an option, and will fight tooth and nail to keep surviving, above all else, which is a mindset I can't even wrap my head around. But I guess it makes sense, because, biology

 

[AmericanMary]

I have not always been wanting to CTB. It's more recent. But there was not one event that caused it. It's year and years of just wanting to rest for me.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I have not always been wanting to CTB. It's more recent. But there was not one event that caused it. It's year and years of just wanting to rest for me.

I feel that. I've always kind of had passive suicidal ideation, but the past year I've kinda realized I don't really have a reason to keep going. It's exhausting, and I'm just tired of playing

 

[Abyssal]

Came slowly at a young age. Really realized suicide was an option when the pain got bad enough to consider it at 10, but I recall thinking of it as far back as 8 kinda.

 

[onbekend]

A single event led to my "downward spiral"

 

[sunnysidedown]

For me there wasn't really a specific event- just my mood getting shittier and shittier over the years until the point where I wanted to blow my brains out.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

For me, it is the accumulation of various events. I feel like I reached "a high" in things that can go wrong

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I've gone through several suicidal phases when I hated myself because I thought I failed at life compared to others. I did get over all of them but this latest one was because of psychiatric medication which they say is the equivalent of getting a lobotomy.

I just really hate life now that I haven't been able to have feelings, enjoyment, pleasure - basically any positive emotions for about 7 months now. It caused me to start questing life, religion etc and I hate that there's no answers to any of these questions. It makes life pointless.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

Always been. No event(s) that affected it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Multiple events in childhood caused thoughts to start appearing aged 10. I suppose I struggle with the idea that some people have always had suicidal thoughts. Suicidal babies/ toddlers. That's so sad. I suppose it's possible though. If life was always bad and you found out there would be an end to it that you could bring about, I guess it would make sense you would gravitate to it. But no- my first knowledge of death was very young- aged 3, when my Mum died and I didn't see it as a positive thing.

 

[fleetingnight]

Not always, but it was a culmination of every shitty thing in my life that led to it

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly always wanted to die in my case, I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what, to have the ability to exist is beyond undesirable and I find it such a terrible tragedy how humans so harmfully procreate in the first place.

Existence itself is the true problem to me and I have no interest in the futile and torturous burden of existing as a human, wanting suicide is all that feels rational to me as I don't wish to suffer for decades in this meaningless existence I never would have chosen in the first place just to be tormented by old age and die anyway. I only wish for non-existence, to have the ability to exist is an abomination that causes nothing but harm and suffering and I don't want to suffer in any way, instead I just wish to be unconscious for all eternity, death is all that comforts me, I've only ever found comfort in the thought of permanent non-existence.

 

[divinemistress36]

Always had thoughts of it since I was a kid but my stroke is the event that really set it off

 

[Morte]

I constantly fantasize about losing my memories, because it's the only way I could cope with life. So many bad memories have made my existence hell, especially when they invade my thoughts when I'm idle

 

[KillingPain267]

I've always had thoughts when something seemed hopeless to overcome, but recently a big event made the thoughts turn into actual researching

 

[Roseate]

Life wasn't so bad when I was young but in my defense, I had blinders on. I was very much a deluded child but I thought I was happy, I may have no been completely happy but like I had happy moments, stupid unimportant shit brought me joy. It wasn't until a certain age the blinders started to come off, and I started struggling heavy. So I'd say I've been suicidal since I was 13-14. Everything painful that I kept locked up cuz I'd always felt I wasn't allowed to feel just came completely undone.

 

[cymbaline23]

I'm not sure, I've kind of felt like this for as long as I can remember, it's just gotten worse over time. Maybe it stems from childhood trauma, but I never really associated it with that

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Nope, not always suicidal. No one event led me to this place in life where I now find myself. Just life circumstances and events, over years, slowly chipping away at my desire to live. It all just wears you down, little by little, killing a little bit of you, here and there, over time. And I've become tired of it all. I don't see anything good coming my way. Why would it now? It hasn't in the past 30 years. And even if something "good" did happen to come along now, I'm not going to be receptive to it at this stage. I'm just too down, too broken to even care enough to take any more chances. Just numb.

 

[Edpal247]

Single event. Never wanted to ctb before. Now I desperately do. Wish I would - I have everything ready. Maybe. Tomorrow.

 

[Cakeisalie]

Even when I was young and ignorant to the world, reading my comic books, I had suicidal daydreams in the breaks between readings. There was no trauma, no problems at school, nothing like that, it was pure, random intrusive thinking.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, I have always wanted to die and I still do. I have considered suicide ever since I knew what death was. I'm not like others who are resilient and fight for survival until the bitter end. I've always wanted out of existence. I was forced into existence against my consent so it should be unfair to expect me to want to live for as long as possible. I believe that true beauty lies in permanent non existence. I deserve the best and, for me, the best would be being dead. I don't want to deal with life, I never did

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've had lowkey suicidal urges since I was 11 but I never seriously thought to entertain them until the events of 2015.

 

[Endless_suffering]

I've been suicidal for years. I first started trying to CTB when I was about 13. I'm 37. I've had over 100 attempts. I joined SS to find a sure fire way. I'm sick of getting locked up. I'm diagnosed with Major depression, ptsd and general anxiety disorder. No wild mental illnesses. I just want to escape the pain and horrible memories of abuse

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Not exactly suicide, that started when I was maybe 13 I guess, but I always wanted to sacrifice myself for a greater good. Even when playing with stuff I always made stories where someone made a sacrifice, it always looked so romantic to me.

 

[kyhoti]

It's built over many years, a long string of disappointments (mostly fuck-ups on my part). Sure, I have trauma blah blah, but I've just gotten sick of the chaos & pain that I spray around me in my flailing. Even when I thought things were good, I've come to find out that I was the only one who thought so. Time to hit the stop button and pull the tape out.

 

[feelinggloomy]

A single life changing event, my son CTB, he was chronically suicidal.

 

[kindalone]

Not really an event but rather a pattern. Life never seemed to click for me and I always failed at some point, no matter what I started. I've realized that things might go that way forever.