Merlay
you need to die if you want to go to heaven
- Oct 24, 2020
- 32
Parents are not heroes. Scientists, doctors, nurses, soldiers, policemen, firemen, lawyers, and politicians are not heroes. No one's a hero. It's just that we created a society where we burden each other obligations, responsibilities, and expectations. It may seem that they are heroes, because we've conditioned ourselves that saving a living being, preserving one's life, is the right and good thing to do, no matter what damages the saving did to the environment or nature. We've founded morality, that is, distinguishing what is right from what is wrong. However, it has become so contradictory and so complex that what's right for you might be wrong to others and vice versa. We have different sense of values. You might think that killing is sinful, yet for others, it is right and just, honorable even. Soldiers kill. Policemen murder. Yet they are praised and honoured for that. We all know that killing is a sin yet we're hoping and anticipating the death of another person.
Killing is justified only when the person who was killed is a bastard, horrible, and cruel person. And when that person is a saint, kind, successful, and compassionate; suddenly, killing is bad, killing is a sin. You see the difference? The act of killing is not the sin, it is not the wrong. The justification of killing, murder, massacre, or whatever you want to call it, lies on who's killed. It is sinful, it is evil, depending on the character of the person who was killed. Morality is unjustified, because it is absolutely dependent on our perception of what is right and what is wrong. People constantly talk about what is right and what is wrong, and yet when you conform, there are still others who will have the audacity to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Do what you love, they say. And when you do, they find it wrong. They'll give you the look as if they're looking at someone who's a disappointment and isn't enough. Do what makes you happy, they say. And when you do, they'll discourage you, compare you to others who they think have it better, and pull you down. Be kind and respectful, they say. And when you do, they'll try to abuse you, exploit you, disrespect you, and break you. Be independent, they say. And when you do, they'll view you as selfish and ungrateful.
We use our morals to justify our actions. Morality is just an excuse. That's why nobody is a hero. No one can save everyone. Even God. Even the Highest Being who created all of us and this entire hellhole of a planet.
"Only you can help yourself." "Only you can save yourself." That's correct. You don't even want to help me, that's why it's impossible for you to save me. Helping means alleviating someone from the burden. Saving means setting someone free from illnesses or dangers. Killing is the only help I can offer to myself. Suicide is the only solution, my only solution, to save myself and finally set me free from all these fucked up and unwanted feelings.
And now, you're telling me it's wrong? Suicide is wrong? How can it be? Your morals told you that killing, especially killing oneself, is wrong? Fuck yourself. Those morals are not sufficient enough to make me believe that they are there to protect me. All your religious beliefs did to me was made me feel hateful and unprotected. If killing is justified when a person killed is worse and horrible, then it is right and just to kill my own self. I am a worse and horrible person. I look at you and I see myself. I am disgusted with myself. The burning desire in my heart turned cold. My dreams became a curse. I'd spent my entire youth trying to be good enough. I am just an empty shell now. There's nothing left in me but hate and grief. I am tired being a reflection of others. I am so tired waking up everyday and feeling the heavy weight inside knowing I have to pretend and lie over again. I don't want to smile, laugh, eat, and think anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel empty and heavy at the same time. I want to stop feeling guilty and feeling like a fraud.
You're not a hero. You're just a hypocrite who clings too much to ridiculous beliefs. A hypocrite who believes much in prayer and not even doing anything to help yourself. Who blames and talk too much, who discourage too much instead of helping the man who you depend on so you can have the money to buy things for yourself and spend to your own parents. Can't you see? We're not family. We're just a group of people related by blood.
You blame me for this. You're blaming me for everything that has happened to me. You don't want to save me. So let me save myself. Please, let me save myself. Please, let me undo these chains. Please, let me hurt you, just once, for every pain and misery you've put me into. I don't owe you anything. You chose "this" responsibility. You chose to get violent on me when I was a kid. You always say you wish I, along with my siblings, were never born. That's what I wish, too. You've made me believe the things that you thought were right, I understand that. You've conditioned me that I owe you every things you've spent on me. But I never felt it's right. I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you my own life where all my life you've made me feel unwanted and disposable. Your children don't owe you anything. You are the adult. You've grown earlier than me, than your children. You are the parents; you should be our saviours. But no, for you, children should be the saviours of the parents. Fuck your morals and religious beliefs. What happened to "only you can help yourself", "only you can save yourself"? If you can't help your own self, it doesn't mean that you must create another being and condition them to be grateful for you because you've given them a life that is less worse than others and condition them to be your saviour. Your children are not your saviours. They never will be.
I am not your saviour. Please, stop clinging to me just so you can feel good about yourself while I am being reduced to despair. Please, let me lessen your burden and problem. Please, let me go. I don't want to be stuck in this body anymore because I hate the fact that we're just the same and it disgusts me. Please, let me go. Please, let me die. . .by my own hands. Please, let me choose myself. Just once. Please. . .
Killing is justified only when the person who was killed is a bastard, horrible, and cruel person. And when that person is a saint, kind, successful, and compassionate; suddenly, killing is bad, killing is a sin. You see the difference? The act of killing is not the sin, it is not the wrong. The justification of killing, murder, massacre, or whatever you want to call it, lies on who's killed. It is sinful, it is evil, depending on the character of the person who was killed. Morality is unjustified, because it is absolutely dependent on our perception of what is right and what is wrong. People constantly talk about what is right and what is wrong, and yet when you conform, there are still others who will have the audacity to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Do what you love, they say. And when you do, they find it wrong. They'll give you the look as if they're looking at someone who's a disappointment and isn't enough. Do what makes you happy, they say. And when you do, they'll discourage you, compare you to others who they think have it better, and pull you down. Be kind and respectful, they say. And when you do, they'll try to abuse you, exploit you, disrespect you, and break you. Be independent, they say. And when you do, they'll view you as selfish and ungrateful.
We use our morals to justify our actions. Morality is just an excuse. That's why nobody is a hero. No one can save everyone. Even God. Even the Highest Being who created all of us and this entire hellhole of a planet.
"Only you can help yourself." "Only you can save yourself." That's correct. You don't even want to help me, that's why it's impossible for you to save me. Helping means alleviating someone from the burden. Saving means setting someone free from illnesses or dangers. Killing is the only help I can offer to myself. Suicide is the only solution, my only solution, to save myself and finally set me free from all these fucked up and unwanted feelings.
And now, you're telling me it's wrong? Suicide is wrong? How can it be? Your morals told you that killing, especially killing oneself, is wrong? Fuck yourself. Those morals are not sufficient enough to make me believe that they are there to protect me. All your religious beliefs did to me was made me feel hateful and unprotected. If killing is justified when a person killed is worse and horrible, then it is right and just to kill my own self. I am a worse and horrible person. I look at you and I see myself. I am disgusted with myself. The burning desire in my heart turned cold. My dreams became a curse. I'd spent my entire youth trying to be good enough. I am just an empty shell now. There's nothing left in me but hate and grief. I am tired being a reflection of others. I am so tired waking up everyday and feeling the heavy weight inside knowing I have to pretend and lie over again. I don't want to smile, laugh, eat, and think anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel empty and heavy at the same time. I want to stop feeling guilty and feeling like a fraud.
You're not a hero. You're just a hypocrite who clings too much to ridiculous beliefs. A hypocrite who believes much in prayer and not even doing anything to help yourself. Who blames and talk too much, who discourage too much instead of helping the man who you depend on so you can have the money to buy things for yourself and spend to your own parents. Can't you see? We're not family. We're just a group of people related by blood.
You blame me for this. You're blaming me for everything that has happened to me. You don't want to save me. So let me save myself. Please, let me save myself. Please, let me undo these chains. Please, let me hurt you, just once, for every pain and misery you've put me into. I don't owe you anything. You chose "this" responsibility. You chose to get violent on me when I was a kid. You always say you wish I, along with my siblings, were never born. That's what I wish, too. You've made me believe the things that you thought were right, I understand that. You've conditioned me that I owe you every things you've spent on me. But I never felt it's right. I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you my own life where all my life you've made me feel unwanted and disposable. Your children don't owe you anything. You are the adult. You've grown earlier than me, than your children. You are the parents; you should be our saviours. But no, for you, children should be the saviours of the parents. Fuck your morals and religious beliefs. What happened to "only you can help yourself", "only you can save yourself"? If you can't help your own self, it doesn't mean that you must create another being and condition them to be grateful for you because you've given them a life that is less worse than others and condition them to be your saviour. Your children are not your saviours. They never will be.
I am not your saviour. Please, stop clinging to me just so you can feel good about yourself while I am being reduced to despair. Please, let me lessen your burden and problem. Please, let me go. I don't want to be stuck in this body anymore because I hate the fact that we're just the same and it disgusts me. Please, let me go. Please, let me die. . .by my own hands. Please, let me choose myself. Just once. Please. . .
