Venting Went to the Cemetery Earlier

[Lost in a Dream]

I feel like I need to rant about this because there's no one else I can talk to who understands.

I went out to the cemetery where my mom was buried today. First time in probably 4 years. She died from cancer a year before that and I can't help but wish it was my burial plot instead of hers. I know my time is coming eventually, but why did I ever have to be here in the first place? If I had died as a baby or little kid, it would have been a mercy.

I feel like such an asshole because there's a part of me that hates her for bringing me into this world because I'm an anti-natalist, but I know deep down she loved me even if it didn't always seem like it. It was always my dad who had purely selfish reasons for me being here because he was always the abusive one when I was growing up. Even though he's gone soft in his old age, I feel like it's impossible to ever have any kind of relationship with him because I can't trust him.

The way he raised me ruined me when I was a kid. It doomed me to eventually end up here and research ways to CTB. It made me mentally unstable enough that all it took was something like losing my mom to set me off down a dark path I can't ever get back from.

It sounds fucked up, but I sometimes think that if my dad had died instead of her, there might still have been a chance of having an actual relationship with my mom, but instead I'm here wishing I was dead.

I don't know if there's any point in posting this, but I guess I just have to get it out there.

I hate feeling the way I do every day, feeling so hopeless. I hate being cynical and an anti natalist. I hate having so many fucked up, intrusive thoughts going through my head that I have to get high every night just to make them go away. I hate that I can't stop being suicidal even though I tried, and I hate living in this hell hole of a world knowing that things are just going to keep getting worse.

I wish I just had the courage to chug the SN and water and tell the world to fuck off. I just want this to be over. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I wasn't afraid.

 

[leuzenstraat]

It sounds like you are going through a lot. I had an abusive father as well. I can't really blame him, because he didn't know better, but I can't form a healthy bond with him, and due to my upbringing, I ended up with a lot of suffering. Rest assured that your mother is at peace as well. As for the courage to leave, there's no need to rush in, you decide when, and wether you want to. Good luck

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It sounds like you are going through a lot. I had an abusive father as well. I can't really blame him, because he didn't know better, but I can't form a healthy bond with him, and due to my upbringing, I ended up with a lot of suffering. Rest assured that your mother is at peace as well. As for the courage to leave, there's no need to rush in, you decide when, and wether you want to. Good luck

I know there's no need to rush it, but I'm the one pushing myself so hard to do this. At least part of me is. Most days I don't really feel this bad, but that's probably because I feel totally dead inside most of the time, but this is why.

I'm not entirely sure that my dad knew any better either. My grandpa was just like him when my dad was a kid until he too became soft with age. I'm just glad I recognized how messed up I really am before having kids of my own and repeating the cycle.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

First, I'm so sorry you're experiencing all this.

Your post made me think of my relationship with my own mother. My father is dead, but I never had a relationship with him, so he's irrelevant to me. My mother raised me on her own. She did her best and loved me so much. There were times she went wrong, but probably no more than any other parent. Most of my issues I own for myself, and I don't blame her.

But I do hate that I was ever born. I was an accident. My dad had an extramarital affair with my mom and I was the product. I should never have been here. I resent my mother for giving birth to me. But I love her. She charted her life around caring for me. I can't imagine the pain I'm going to put her through when I ctb. I can only hope she'll understand.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

But I do hate that I was ever born. I was an accident. My dad had an extramarital affair with my mom and I was the product. I should never have been here. I resent my mother for giving birth to me. But I love her. She charted her life around caring for me. I can't imagine the pain I'm going to put her through when I ctb. I can only hope she'll understand.

At least knowing that my mom is gone now will make it easier to CTB, but there are other people who depend on me for things who aren't a parent to me. My grandma is the main one, but I have a couple cousins that I care about a lot. We help each other out when we can, so it isn't just one-sided, but I hate seeing the world around me go to hell in a hand basket and having to face the possibility of old age and chronic illness. One of them is already going through those things because he's much older than me, and I'd rather not exist than have to endure it.

If there was a way to outlive my grandma and convince the other two that suicide is a rational decision for me, than I would feel a lot better about this decision. It would make it much easier to CTB, of that I'm certain.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so cruel and unfair and I'm sorry that you have had to endure all this. It is such a horrible world that we live in and it is sad how so much suffering exists. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[Meaninglessness]

I was at the cemetery on All Saints´ Day 2022. I usually visit the cemetery every year on this day. Thousands of people walk around in the dark among the grave candles. Here are graves from the 19th century until today. On a large tombstone is the text: "No life without death. No death without life."

At a cemetery, there are dead people who have lived. Some of them are remembered right now, others are forgotten. However, with the passage of time, all humans will be dead and forgotten. I am trying to imagine the future with my own tombstone, but it is hard. Isn´t that the worst nightmare - to see your own grave? But one day I will be dead and buried at this cemetery and someone will stop at my grave, but most people will pass by. There are so many other graves due to overpopulation. My grave will be quite meaningless. I will be forgotten. So what is the meaning of life?

 

[outrider567]

I was at the cemetery on All Saints´ Day 2022. I usually visit the cemetery every year on this day. Thousands of people walk around in the dark among the grave candles. Here are graves from the 19th century until today. On a large tombstone is the text: "No life without death. No death without life."

At a cemetery, there are dead people who have lived. Some of them are remembered right now, others are forgotten. However, with the passage of time, all humans will be dead and forgotten. I am trying to imagine the future with my own tombstone, but it is hard. Isn´t that the worst nightmare - to see your own grave? But one day I will be dead and buried at this cemetery and someone will stop at my grave, but most people will pass by. There are so many other graves due to overpopulation. My grave will be quite meaningless. I will be forgotten. So what is the meaning of life?

Cemeteries is one place I don't go to--When Patti's large headstone is finally put in, they'll just send me a picture--Life is depressing enough without going to cemeteries--Refuse to go see my girlfriend, father, or brother,it'd be too emotional and heart breaking

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I am trying to imagine the future with my own tombstone, but it is hard. Isn´t that the worst nightmare - to see your own grave?

I try to imagine that kind of future too. I suppose if I bought my own burial plot and stone just in case, then at least I'll be able to see what it looks like. I just don't know if anyone will be suspicious if I do that because I'd rather not end up in a psych ward for trying to buy my own gravestone. When I think about how I might want it to look, sometimes it does seem like a nightmare, but other times not so much. I just have so many mixed emotions about this stuff it's hard to know what I should be feeling.

 

[pauly1963]

I feel like I need to rant about this because there's no one else I can talk to who understands.

I went out to the cemetery where my mom was buried today. First time in probably 4 years. She died from cancer a year before that and I can't help but wish it was my burial plot instead of hers. I know my time is coming eventually, but why did I ever have to be here in the first place? If I had died as a baby or little kid, it would have been a mercy.

I feel like such an asshole because there's a part of me that hates her for bringing me into this world because I'm an anti-natalist, but I know deep down she loved me even if it didn't always seem like it. It was always my dad who had purely selfish reasons for me being here because he was always the abusive one when I was growing up. Even though he's gone soft in his old age, I feel like it's impossible to ever have any kind of relationship with him because I can't trust him.

The way he raised me ruined me when I was a kid. It doomed me to eventually end up here and research ways to CTB. It made me mentally unstable enough that all it took was something like losing my mom to set me off down a dark path I can't ever get back from.

It sounds fucked up, but I sometimes think that if my dad had died instead of her, there might still have been a chance of having an actual relationship with my mom, but instead I'm here wishing I was dead.

I don't know if there's any point in posting this, but I guess I just have to get it out there.

I hate feeling the way I do every day, feeling so hopeless. I hate being cynical and an anti natalist. I hate having so many fucked up, intrusive thoughts going through my head that I have to get high every night just to make them go away. I hate that I can't stop being suicidal even though I tried, and I hate living in this hell hole of a world knowing that things are just going to keep getting worse.

I wish I just had the courage to chug the SN and water and tell the world to fuck off. I just want this to be over. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I wasn't afraid.

My Mother was a narcissist who ruined my mental health from an early age. My biological Father was a lovely man, who passed away when I was 5 years old. I too wish that it was my abusive parent who had died. Life is often cruel and ironic for many of us here. Even though my Mother passed away 9 years ago, I still get very angry and intrusive thoughts about the abuse She put Me through. Being cynical and Anti-natalist are perfectly logical mindsets in this fucked-up world. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are not alone.